A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:There was this girl who I had been seeing for quite a while, but I felt it was getting too serious for my liking, we were growing a lot closer far too quick and I knew it wasn't what I wanted. Because I'm not a relationship person, i'd be a terrible boyfriend and i could see it was heading that way and I knew for a while she would want more. But I liked her a lot and I knew she liked me so much which is why I do feel bad for leading her on for so long and giving false hope, but more so for how cowardly I ended it by just pushing her away, ignoring her and never fully giving her a reason, it must have seem so sudden. I was a jerk about it I know, and I know I upset her and she must of felt she did something wrong and probably was really angry with me. But I just got scared and I didn't know what else to do!I've not seen her out in so long, probably over a month now which is unusual considering I always see her when i'm on a night out. My friends said they reckon she's trying to avoid me, so I guess that's why I haven't seen her and I don't blame her. But Saturday night I saw her out and she seemed fine, in fact she seemed really, really happy and it did make me miss her. But when she saw me in the same bar, she just looked right at me and I know she knew exactly who I was, but she carried on as if I was stranger to her. It did seem that whenever we were anywhere near each other in this bar, she would find a way to distance herself so she wasn't near me..The point i'm getting at is she looked so happy when I saw her with her friends and talking to other guys that could it be that she's moved on? And also, how has she moved on so easily if she liked me as much as she said she did!? I just felt a bit sad/disappointed I guess that she seemed to be so happy without me, is that bad?And another question, why would she ignore me and act like we don't know each other when she saw me? It was a hurtful, because I didn't do what I did in a malicious way, or mean to be a jerk about it! I did it because it was best for her. But I get the impression that this is how it's going to be with us now, it doesn't feel like we were ever together, I feel like she doesn't want to even know me. Do you think she has the right to act this way, or is she treating this unfairly? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): there is the saying : "do unto others as you would have them do unto you".... similarly, don't do unto others as you don't want them to do unto you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): You're kidding, right? Of course she has a right to ignore you and treat you like a stranger. That's what you did to her first!! what did you expect? You're the one being unfair here, that you think it's OK for you to be a jerk to her but not for her to have any hard feelings towards you as a result.how come she has moved on? because that's what people do. What did you expect, that you can ignore her and be as cold to her as you want for however long you want, and she would always be pining for you and focused on you waiting and hoping for you to come around? that's messed up. And the fact that she's so happy now without you is a GOOD thing for her. You treated her badly, you were a jerk to her. It's good for her to now be happier without you. If you want someone to want you, then dont' be a jerk to them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): Yes she has a right to act like this because she is only doing back to you what you did to her first!"It was a hurtful, because I didn't do what I did in a malicious way, or mean to be a jerk about it! I did it because it was best for her. "You might not have intended to be a jerk, but fact is you were. Intentions do not excuse bad behavior. It really does a number on someone's mind if one day you're being all nice and close to them and then you suddenly pull away without any explanation. She cannot read your mind, no one can. All anyone can go by is your behavior towards them.Similarly maybe she is not intending to be a jerk either now. She's just behaving however feels natural to her, just as you were.And yes she has moved on. Good for her. If she were my friend or daughter and told me a guy she had gone out with suddenly started ignoring her and pushing her away without explanation I would tell her to forget about him, who needs someone who plays mind games like that, and move on.Just learn from your mistake that it's wrong to treat people like this. If you don't want to continue a relationship with them, at least have the decency to tell them that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 January 2013):
 As for your first question, you felt what you felt, there's no point in judging it. I guess in theory yes, it would be better and nobler and wiser if you would be happy for her and thrilled that apparently she is doing fine without you , but , if you are not at this point yet, don't beat yourself up.
As for the second question, what do you mean , if she has the right ? Of course she has the right to treat you any way she chooses to- as long as she is not attacking you with a butcher's knife . It's not like you were married and had kids , so now she MUST be civil for them and for old times 's sake.
You said yourself, that , for whatever reason of yours, you led her on, gave her false hope, ended it cowardly, pushed her away , etc... moral, you came off as a total a..hole and jerk. She is not a mind reader and she cannot know all the mind trips that made you treat her badly, BUT ( hear ye hear ye ) even if she knew , she is not obliged to CARE about them. Your issues are your issues, mistreating someone because you've got issues is often an explanation but NEVER a justification. In other words, she is not obliged to care about why you acted in a certain why, - it's enough that you did.
Apparently you pissed her off enough that she does not want anything to do with you anymore, - live and learn. Take this as a precious lesson about what NOT to do next time when you have doubts/hesitations/indecisions about a relationship.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 January 2013):
As for your first question, you felt what you felt, there's no point in judging it. I guess in theory yes, it would be better and nobler and wiser if you would be happy for her and thrilled that apparently she is doing fine without you , but , if you are not at this point yet, don't beat yourself up.
As for the second question, what do you mean , if she has the right ? Of course she has the right to treat you any way she chooses to- as long as she is not attacking you with a butcher's knife . It's not like you were married and had kids , so now she MUST be civil for them and for old times 's sake.
You said yourself, that , for whatever reason of yours, you led her on, gave her false hope, ended it cowardly, pushed her away , etc... moral, you came off as a total a..hole and jerk. She is not a mind reader and she cannot know all the mind trips that made you treat her badly, BUT ( hear ye hear ye ) even if she knew , she is not obliged to CARE about them. Your issues are your issues, mistreating someone because you've got issues is often an explanation but NEVER a justification. In other words, she is not obliged to care about why you acted in a certain why, - it's enough that you did.
Apparently you pissed her off enough that she does not want anything to do with you anymore, - live and learn. Take this as a precious lesson about what NOT to do next time when you have doubts/hesitations/indecisions about a relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2013): Does she have 'the right' to treat you this way? Damn straight she does! You showed her no respect, decency or compassion when you ended things, so I'm not surprised she won't give you the time of day now. In fact you got off lightly all things considered. I think you need to grow up, get over yourself and leave this poor girl to get on with her life.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (28 January 2013):
I can't believe you question whether she has a right to do this! Of course she does, you broke her heart by ignoring her, so why should she do anything different?
She has moved on because she had no choice, it's what people do. I doubt she has any good feelings left for you; because of how you ended it I'd be surprised if she didn't feel hate towards you.
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