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Can some Turkish people please tell me how serious it is to meet Turkish parents?

Tagged as: Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (23 May 2010) 8 Answers - (Newest, 25 May 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have been dating a Turkish man born in Konya for 6 months, including a 3-month long-distance period.

Recently, his family came to visit him and he hasn't mentioned me in front of his family at all.

He directly told me that at this stage, he did not want to introduce me to his parents because meeting the parents was a big thing for a Turkish family. People meet the partner's parents only if they are engaged. He said his family would make a big deal out of this. In addition, his mother also wants him to marry a Turkish girl, and I am not.

My explanation for this is: he is just not into me. I thought i was having a serious relationship with him that can lead to something else but I guess I am wrong.

He and his family are well educated but I am afraid they might still have the "date foreigners but marry Turkish" thing.

I am from a conservative Asian family and I haven't mentioned any of my past bf to my parents. I was planning to introduce him to my family for the first time in 24 years. I am THAT serious about my relationship with him.

Can some Turkish people please tell me how serious it is to meet Turkish parents? When he just met me, he told me his parents were open-minded but now he tells me they are Muslim, therefore, they are more conservative. However, when he was in college, his parents met his exgf and they liked her.

View related questions: engaged, his ex, muslim, period

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (25 May 2010):

boo22 agony auntHi honey I just spotted your question.

I used to live in Istanbul and still have a lot of Turkish friends and from what I understand when you are introduced to his family it's a very big deal. In his mum and dad's eyes you will be potentially carrying on the family tree so you become as important as their son if not more so.

You don't know what happened with the previous gf but if his family want him to marry a Turkish girl then he probably will.

I'm sorry it's not what you wanted to hear but don't take it personally, this is just thousands of years of culture.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (24 May 2010):

CindyCares agony auntWell,sure,LonelyTwo- I agree. Always better to be familiar with the customs ,tradition,mentality before- so one knows exactly what she is putting herself into and what she could handle or couldn't.

Yet, I would not like to scare too much our OP . Intercultural and inter-faith unions have some risks associated with them.

But ,then again, isn't any marriage a gamble ? :) There's people from NYC who experience a culture clash with their New Jersey born spouses ,lol.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (24 May 2010):

CindyCares agony auntIt's not exactly that he is not into you ... it's difficult for us to understand. In general,family cohesion and parental approval plays a much bigger role in places like Turkey or Northern African countries ,than in USA or Europe. Most guys will be totally westernized, they will study abroad,work abroad,they will be well integrated in the culture of the country which is hosting them... but eventually when it's time to choose a wife they will prefer someone who shares the same roots, culture and religion,because she will fit better into their family and circle of friends.

Again,it's difficult to understand-as for me, if my aunts or uncles should disapprove of my husband,I could not care

less,and I 'd think it's none of their business. But in many Mediterannean cultures ( including Turkish ) it would be their business ,because family ties are strong and it's very important that everybody gets along with everybody.

Of course, this is a generalization,not an iron clad rule. I have a Californian friend who got married with a Turkish guy ( and no, it was not for the green card )and nobody made a fuss about it.

You will just have to find out how traditional and conservative are ( or are not ) your bf and his family.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear ElectricSheep,

I don't know. I believe if he liked me the way I like him, he would have wanted to tell his family about me. It's just a pathetic situation for me.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello CindyCares,

I don't think he is a hardcore muslim. I haven't seen him fasting and he seems normal compared to everyone else plus he doesn't care if I eat pork on the same table. He claims that he is a muslim only on paper.

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A female reader, ElectricSheep United States +, writes (23 May 2010):

ElectricSheep agony auntIt's not just about religion. Turkish people are very cultural and has their strong traditions. His parents want him to marry a Turkish girl because she'll know the culture and traditions and follow them. He wants to wait to let you meet his family because maybe he doesn't want to face the situation if his parents disagree. Talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. Muslim men CAN marry non-Muslim women, they just have to be good people.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (23 May 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt This applies to all Muslim men not only Turkish .

according to their religion Muslim men are allowed to marry a non-Muslim woman if she is a Christian or Jewish resident in countries "daar-ul-Islam " ( where the Islamic law prevails ). Marriages with Christian and Jewish women resident in countries "daar -u-harb " ( non Muslim countries ) are not forbidden but disadvised and frown upon. All the other women from other religions ,or atheist, are "kuffars " and Muslim men absolutely cannot marry them.

It all depends how seriously your bf and his family take their religion and its rules.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2010):

Sorry but as you say he is not into you. He is only having a good time with you.

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