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Am I looking for a,reason to leave?

Tagged as: Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 September 2022) 5 Answers - (Newest, 3 September 2022)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

I've been in a relationship for 8 years with my partner but recently have been having doubts about our future. There has been changes over the last year or so with lack of affection/intimacy and I find myself thinking if I'd be better alone for a while. I find I'm gravitating towards spending more time with my friends and feeling happier than when I'm with him. We were looking to purchase a house together and I don't know if I'm just getting scared of the commitment and looking for a reason to leave or if I'm truly not happy?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2022):

Typo corrections:

"There's [the] matter of custody [and] child-support."

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2022):

Fully assess your own feelings before you judge your mate's feelings.

You said you'd feel better alone for awhile, and happier without him. Perhaps you two drew apart, because the relationship ran its course some time ago; but sometimes people stay together out of habit and convenience.

You can become domesticated and complacent; and you don't want to upset the apple cart when the bills are paid, you're sharing your household responsibilities, and you've become accustomed to a particular lifestyle. That explains why people can hate each-other; but neither can bring themselves to leave. Instead, they stay together and battle day and night. Besides the fact that the thought of being single and seeking love again is scary. You start to second-guess yourself into believing maybe it isn't as bad as all that after all. Your subconscious-mind feels otherwise. You're screaming on the inside!

You've probably already come to the conclusion that you don't really feel you need him like you used to. You seem to have grown to appreciate your independence; when you may have been centering your entire life around the relationship, even when he may not have invested as much. This is usually a sign you've held-on past the relationship's expiration date; probably assuming by the third to fifth year in the relationship, your relationship would be heading towards marriage.

I recommend that you don't buy property together; unless you're married, or have some sort of legal-agreement drawn-up for your own protection; in the event he stops making payments on the mortgage, or for some unforeseen reason you become unable to pay.

Sometimes having babies and intertwining bills and credit is used as a substitute for marriage; the belief that being tied in bondage to debt will keep your partner from bailing-out on the relationship. Unmarried, your only bond is honor and good-faith. If he leaves and refuses to pay his share of the mortgage and property taxes, it's all yours; and visa versa. You have no spousal rights or legal standing; and the law offers relatively no protections when somebody other than your spouse recks your credit.

You're only 26, and you've been with this guy since you were about 18. You haven't really had the opportunity to date other guys; and that's probably what made you stay until you felt the relationship growing stale and unfulfilling. A lot of people do that; but only married-couples need to stick it out for better or for worse. They made vows to! Your mate losing interest in sex and offering little or no affection actually happens sooner or later in all relationships; only in marriage do you have to work your way through it. If you're an unmarried-couple, your options are open; and you don't have to deal with the drama. You can leave, with no legal ties or responsibilities to hold you back. With kids, that's different. There's a matter of custody an child-support.

You can talk about it, but you can't always talk people into wanting sex with you; if all the passion and affection has dissipated in the relationship. Resentment and hurt feelings start to build. It's hard to admit you're no longer turned-on by your mate. To admit something like that would create a storm of emotions, and reek all sorts of havoc. I mean the poop would hit the fan!

Feeling the way you do now does require you to tell him how you feel. How long can you hide it? It will manifest itself in all sorts of negative-behavior; because you'll have to vent your resentment and pain. You can become addicted to drama, and that can be the only glue keeping an unfulfilling relationship together. In your heart, you'll feel you want out; but you'll talk yourself out of telling him what you truly feel. While you'll just internalize your feelings and stew in your frustrations.

You need to find-out what's going-on in his head and heart; and then you both have to make a decision. Meanwhile, no babies or mortgages when you're uncertain about how you feel about your mate. Especially, when you think you'd do better by yourself.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (2 September 2022):

Honeypie agony auntYou need to COMMUNICATE here.

Your needs aren't met anymore, so you need to TALK to him and figure out what is going on and how to fix this together.

DO NOT buy a house together if things aren't working for you.

It's not just you being scared of the commitment and you know it.

If you were scared of commitment you wouldn't have been dating him for 8!!! years.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2022):

I'd say that being scared of commitment and looking for a reason to leave and not being happy are all part of the same thing. If not actually the same thing.

If you were head over heels in love with this man then you wouldn't be doubting yourself, you wouldn't be twisting yourself in knots trying to understand your emotions, you would be too busy packing, getting ready to move in with him and shouting from the rooftops how happy you are.

Life isn't such a puzzle. If you are wondering if you are unhappy, how much and why.....then you are unhappy.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2022):

You are truly not happy. If you were happy you'd know it! , and you would not prefer the company of other people to your bf's company.

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