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Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > Joke

Joke

Uncle Phil, posted 5 weeks ago

A condemned man sat in the electric chair awaiting his execution, but there was a fault. They called in Paddy the electrician to try and sort out the problems.

After two hours, he still hadn’t found it and told the Governor, ‘This thing is a bloody death-trap.’

Posted on 19 October 2009 @ 23:3 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 5 weeks ago

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella - but it's only half the price'

Posted on 21 October 2009 @ 22:50 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 5 weeks ago

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong

turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female)

lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told

you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there. I

know it's

difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically,

"God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right

there and don't move until I tell you to.

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go

exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air

2771??"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am". Naturally, the "ground control" frequency

went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to

engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA

was running high.

Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an

unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Posted on 22 October 2009 @ 8:59 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 5 weeks ago

oooo...lol!

Posted on 22 October 2009 @ 9:31 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 4 weeks ago

No old guy...it was me.

We have Texas A and M. A college not known for it's high intellect. There was an Aggie (that's what we call them down here)that entered a contest. The contestants were to compete in writing poetry. All they had to do was use the word Timbuktu in the body of the poem. The competition was fierce. Finally it was time for the guy from Texas A and M to recite the poem he had written.

Tim and I

a'fishing went

and spied three girls

inside a tent

they be three

and we be two

I bucked one and

Timbuktu

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 5:32 (London time) - permalink
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Vintage64, posted 4 weeks ago

Husband & wife out shopping

Husband "what are we looking for?"

Wife "I need a new bra"

Husband "You don't have anything to put in it"

Wife "Well you wear underpants!"

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 8:35 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 9:4 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 4 weeks ago

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL...

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 9:6 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 4 weeks ago

Class!

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 9:14 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate".'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 13:47 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 4 weeks ago

ahem...is this by any chance OUR auntie gina? Lol

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 14:13 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 4 weeks ago

No Married Lady it is just our Uncle Phil's fascination with big T...!

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 14:39 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

Honest to God, girls - that's how it arrived in my inbox - I didn't alter it one bit or edit the names therein.

I thought it rather apt nonetheless, and couldn't resist the temptation to post it here. You must admit - it's a good 'un.

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 15:27 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 4 weeks ago

sorry ginalolabridga, i couldnt resist asking! Lol thats our phil...

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 15:28 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 4 weeks ago

Little Johnie was in class one day when the young pretty teacher decides to have a bit of fun with them. So she calls them all to attention and says; I am going to describe an object to you all and I want you to tell me what is!

She says I have something behind my back, it is round and yellow and it is a fruuuuit and,

little Johnie and little Suzi's hands both sprang up and little Johnie is beside himself

PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME

She has been burnt by little Johnie too many times so she picks Suzi

A peach miss...I think you have a peach!

No little Suzi I have a lemon..but I like the way you are thinking.

So she says what I have now behind my back now is round and red and it's a fruuuuit...both hands again..

PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME

no way is she going to call on little Johnie.

Yes Suzi what is your guess....

A red ..plum

No Suzi what I have is an apple

but I like the way you are thinking

All the while little Johnie's hand had never went down

PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME

and it's bad form to not call on the kid because he is a getting so loud all the kids know she is ignoring him

Yes little Johnie what is it?

Let me describe to you what I have in my pants, I have something long and hard and round and

Why little Johnie -that-is-disgusting-you-little pervert-I-swear-you-make-me..

Miss.... all I have is a pencil ...

But I like the way you're thinking

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 16:9 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 4 weeks ago

Hey Guys that's Ok, we all need a laugh and Phil always delivers on that score!

Gina

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 16:14 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted 4 weeks ago

Sometimes I feel like I'm hanging out in the hallway between classes in high school when I'm reading what we get up to here in the forums. Chat chat chat. Joke. Laughter. Comraderie is the word, I think.

You all give my day a lift, I appreciate every single one of you.

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 16:24 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 4 weeks ago

thanks tisha, the feeling is mutual...want us to to get phil to tell a joke about you? Lol

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 17:5 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease.

11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider's web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 21:36 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted 4 weeks ago

Those are BRILLIANT! Love 'em!

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 21:42 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 4 weeks ago

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Phil that is all hilarious. Except #4 I don't get that one.

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 21:59 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

Halloween is coming!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

Bump...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)

The coffin stops

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 22:37 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted 4 weeks ago

Okay, that's NOT brilliant. :)

Posted on 27 October 2009 @ 23:41 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

Posted on 28 October 2009 @ 15:41 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 4 weeks ago

Nature's incredible!!

Something to think about!

Did you ever wonder why you never see dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?

Ever wonder where they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguins have a very strong community bond. They are very committed to their family and will mate for life.

They also maintain a form of compassionate contact with their offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the freshly dug grave and sing....

..."freeze a jolly good fellow"

Posted on 30 October 2009 @ 12:19 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 4 weeks ago

read this one to hubby and we both had a good chuckle... ;)

Posted on 30 October 2009 @ 12:54 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 4 weeks ago

I like that one too, where are you getting all these?

Gina

Posted on 30 October 2009 @ 18:25 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 3 weeks ago

A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City.

He found a saleslady, and told her, 'I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B.'

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, 'What kind of bra?'

He repeated 'A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would

Know what she means.'

'Ah, now I remember,' said the saleslady. 'We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.

Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra.'

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked, 'So, what are the differences?'

The saleslady responded. 'It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic bra supports the masses.

The Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and

The Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright.'

He mused on that information for a minute, and asked, 'So, what does the Jewish bra do?'

'The Jewish bra, makes mountains out of molehills.

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 18:24 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 3 weeks ago

Ha ha good one Phil, my cups are running over here with the laughing!

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 18:52 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 3 weeks ago

oh my goodness phil i am laughing so hard i can barely stay in my chair. Wonder about we pentecostals? (wish my cups were running over...) hahahahahahaha

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 19:4 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 3 weeks ago

Pray for the service, Married Lady - just pray for the service. Allehuyah! (is that how it's spelt?)

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 19:26 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 3 weeks ago

too busy dusting the organ and therefore wasnt early! Hallelujah! (Prc wears the presby one im sure *wink*)

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 19:54 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 3 weeks ago

A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of their congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them.

When the dog was produced, the manager began giving it commands. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounced to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said, "Find Psalms 23". The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.

Duly impressed, the preacher and his wife purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.

Finally, one man asked "Can the dog do normal dog tricks too?"

"Let's see" said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded, "Heel!"

The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher's forehead and began to howl. The preacher turned to his wife in complete shock and disbelief. "We've been swindled! That manager sold us a Pentecostal dog!"

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 19:57 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 3 weeks ago

hahahahahaha thanks phil. You are a luv!

Posted on 2 November 2009 @ 21:16 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 3 weeks ago

An old "story" from a bygone era.

There was once an old fashioned lady....

There was an old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and her husband were planning two weeks' vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". When she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. She rewrote the letter referring to the "bathroom commode" as the "BC". "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she finally wrote.

The campground owner could not figure out what the lady was referring to when he read the letter. That "BC" business really stumped him. After worrying over it awhile, he showed the letter to several couples, who had no idea what the lady had meant either. Finally the campground owner concluded the lady was asking about the Baptist Church. He sat down and replied as follows:

Dear Madam,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but it gives me great pleasure to inform you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground. It can comfortably seat 250 people at a time. Located in a beautiful pine grove, it is open on both Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly; however, you will be pleased to know that many of the campers bring their lunches along and make a day of it. My daughter met her husband there. Because it is the only BC in proximity to campgrounds in the area, it can become very crowded, with as many as five sharing a seat. Once my wife and I had to stand the entire time.

It might interest you to know that we have planned a pot luck dinner, coinciding with your stay, to raise money for the purchase of more seats. For everyone's convenience, that event will take place in the basement of the BC.

It pains me not to be able to go more often. This is not due to lack of desire on my part, but is a part of growing older. It seems to be more of an effort to go now, especially in cold weather.

When you come to our campground, I'd be happy to accompany you the first time, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. We will seat you up front where you can be seen by everyone.

You can be assured, ours is a friendly community!

Sincerely yours,

Campground owner

Posted on 3 November 2009 @ 5:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 3 weeks ago

The following are the top winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest

In the "New Woman Magazine":

Lady Golfer

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI

? Nuts about You

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never

let me forget.

Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD

Strip Mall

My husband and I took our three kids out shoe shopping one day. We were going from store to store, and the kids were getting restless. At one crowded store, I was standing near a bench when my 3-year-old climbed up on it, grabbed hold of my elastic-waist shorts, and jumped off pulling both my shorts and my underwear to the floor. I raced out of there, much to the delight of the appreciative onlookers.

Patricia Lamond-Stocksick, 35, Lathrop, CA

Curl Up and Die

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX

Pad, please!

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He called me back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

Kathy Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!

Name Withheld

Priceless

One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Name Withheld

Mom's Advice

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his

mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only! to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

Chris Vaught

Posted on 3 November 2009 @ 5:15 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 3 weeks ago

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'

LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."

MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.

LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot.

MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.

LUST - When you steal everything they own.

MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.

LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.

MARRIAGE - When ... uh ... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."

LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.

MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.

LUST - When all you write is your phone number.

MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.

LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.

MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.

LUST - When you only see each other naked.

MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.

LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.

MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.

LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.

MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.

LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.

MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.

LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.

MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.

LUST-When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.

MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.

LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.

MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

Posted on 3 November 2009 @ 5:42 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 3 weeks ago

Loved them all old guy, looks like Phil has some competition here!

Posted on 3 November 2009 @ 9:37 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 3 weeks ago

lol!!! what a fun way to start my day... Thanks og ;D

Posted on 3 November 2009 @ 11:52 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 3 weeks ago

DIVORCE- When you find you have become a pinata in a court room full of drunken lawyers wielding base ball bats.

Posted on 3 November 2009 @ 19:18 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

A man knocked on a house door and asked the lady that opened it "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question "Do you have a vagina?" She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband whispers to her "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question. "Do you have a vagina?".......

"Yes" she says......

"Good!” The man replies “Would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?"

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 12:29 (London time) - permalink
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celtic_tiger, posted 2 weeks ago

Oh Phil, where do you get these from? :D

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 13:1 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

lol!!! starting this day with a smile. Thanks you ole seaman. *winks*

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 13:13 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

Q. What's the difference between a woman that goes to church and a woman who takes a bath?

A. One has hope in her soul . . . .

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 18:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he

finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by

the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his first beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he

was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and

left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 19:13 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Vicki arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Charles had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Vicki told her friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that......... Charles was too tired.'

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 19:36 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

lol...that'd be the day...! Good one og!

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 19:58 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 140."

Posted on 8 November 2009 @ 20:8 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says.

"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe.

The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants.

"I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off" he says.

You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again.

"One more chance'" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your pussy with Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it".

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching

the telly.

"What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says.

"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.

"Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.

“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Stella and then drink it all" she cried.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and

switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.......

"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella!!!"

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 13:32 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 2 weeks ago

Ha-Ha, i liked that reminded me of Loose Women!

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 14:31 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

Reminds me of my first wife Gina!

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 17:46 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 2 weeks ago

As Dick Emery would have said, Ooooh you are awful Phil! but i like you!!

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 19:57 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 2 weeks ago

Oh philie philie philie!

My first wife was a golfer. Not too great, but she gave it hell. Decided to take some lesson's from the golf pro. After a few lesson', she wanted me to go out and watch and see her improvement. We started out, and after the first hole and as we walked to the second, she got stung by a wasp. After the round the pro was at the bar and when we came in, he asked how it all went. She said it was all good, except that she got stung by a wasp. He asked...Where did he sting you? She said between the first and second hole. Dammit says he, I keep telling you your stance is too wide.

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 20:28 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 2 weeks ago

My first wife and I got a divorce after this episode. She said I no longer made her feel safe when we were out. But we went down to the gulf of Mexico. We had set up our little spot by the water and was doing what you do when you go to the beach. She was talking on her cell phone and I was drinking scotch trying to forget what planet I was living on. So a bum walks up and says ...hey lady, I would like to fill up your nu nu nnn pooh nanny with ice cream and eat it all out. She reaches over and kicks me and gives me one of those, aren't you going to do anything looks? You know the one? docncha Phil. Yeah I know you do. So the guy gets a little closer and says I wanna fill that snatcha yours up with ice cream and lick it out like a snow cone. Same look. That look we know so well..huh phil? tell'em about it. She finally gets up and marches to the car. Livid. She was livid I tell you. Why didn't you defend my honor....her having honor? That's for another joke..I said honey I don't think I want to fight anybody that can eat that much ice cream.

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 20:38 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 2 weeks ago

A guy walks into a bar on a Saturday night by himself. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer.

After he finishes gulping down half, he proceeds to pour the other half on his right hand. After doing this three or four more times, the confused bartender asks him what in the hell he's doing.

The man explains 'I'm getting my date drunk'

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 22:44 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 2 weeks ago

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond

bracelet, walks over to

inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she lets out a fart.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has

noticed her little accident and

prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a

salesman standing right

behind her.

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of

a professional salesman in

a store like Tiffany's, and greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam; how

may we help you today?'

Feeling uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman may not have

been there at the time of her

little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely

bracelet?'

He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to

shit when I tell you the price.'

Posted on 9 November 2009 @ 23:27 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

what was the punch line? Jk/ hahahahahahahaha love you guys...;)

Posted on 10 November 2009 @ 0:40 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

In a recent study, the FDA administered weekly doses of Viagra to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While most doctors achieved enhanced

sexual ability, the lawyers simply grew taller.

Researchers are at a loss to explain this phenomenon.

Posted on 10 November 2009 @ 3:54 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye...

It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 miles. He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads, SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 miles. Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying, SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION next right.

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading, SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?" He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well my son, please follow me." He is led thru many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man..."Please knock on this door." He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100.00 in the cup, then go thru the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts a $100.00 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips thru the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks and he finds hisself back in the parking lot faced by another sign. GO IN PEACE, YOU'VE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT YOU SINNER!

Posted on 10 November 2009 @ 5:31 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute. They witnessed a Protestant Minister lurking about, then ducking into

the house.

"Would ye look at that, Darby!" said Pat. "What a

shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!"

They both shook their heads and continued working.

A short time later they watched as a Rabbi looked around cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one was looking.

"Did ya see that, Darby?" Pat asked in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish rabbis? I just can't understand what the world is

coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. T'is a shame, I tell ya!"

Not much later a third man, a Catholic Priest, was lurking about the house, looking around to see if any one was watching, then quietly sneaking in.

"Oh no, Darby, look!" said Pat, removing his cap.

"One of the poor girls musta died."

Posted on 10 November 2009 @ 6:38 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

FEMALE COMPASSION.

The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Posted on 10 November 2009 @ 17:57 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

Signs you can tell it will be a rough day ahead...

You wake up face down on the pavement.

You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party last night, and there aren't any.

You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.

Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed.

Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the interstate.

Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

You wake up and your braces are locked together.

You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your income tax check bounces.

You put both contacts lenses in the same eye.

Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill," and your name is George.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 7:17 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

Oy, katyayni, that's a list that's hard to top!

____________

"Well" said the psychiatrist "I can't cure you of your premature ejaculation, but I can put you in touch with a woman who has an incredibly short attention span."

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 7:51 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

If I were a healthy normal girl who saw a world beyond herself and appreciated others ... I'd say that you just topped the list!

But since I am shallow and superficial I will say this.......

(watch out....)

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 7:56 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

OK, I'm seriously nervous now ...

___

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found

a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.

"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.

"On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.

"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 8:1 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

As in I am watching out... For funnier stuff from you!!! *wink*

HA!

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 8:7 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

Medieval Pickups

"They don't call me Lance-A-Lot for nothing, you know."

"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

"Dost thou know? That chastity belt of yours would look great on my sleeping chambers floor."

"Your hovel or mine?"

"Milady, it's not the size of the wand that matters, but the magic within."

"I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart."

"C'mon, sweetie...didn't your mother ever tell you? A cleric a day keeps the black plague away."

"Dost thou practice safe hex?"

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 8:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

You did say something about older men in your profile:

____

It never ceases to amaze me that many of behaviours that we see and observe and assume to be natural progressions of our state of being, are now being medically diagnosed and labeled. Here's a new "disability" to add to the growing list.

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it goes.....

I decide to wash the car, start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car...

BUT FIRST I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk....

BUT FIRST I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes, Now where is the checkbook?

Oops... there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?

Oh, there's my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks...

BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water,

I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away...

BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh!

Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...

BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: car not washed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys; and, when I

try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm baffled because...

I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious...

I'd get help...

BUT FIRST... I think I'll check my e-mail.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 8:23 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

One day a man was sitting in his office on the 19th floor of a building. A man came running into his office and shouted, “John, your daughter,

Anna just died in an accident right opposite this building”

The gentleman was in panic. Not knowing what to do, he jumped out through his office window. While coming down, when he was near the 14th floor he remembered he didn’t have a daughter named Anna. When he was near the 7th floor, he remembered he was not married yet.

When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not John.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 8:45 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 9:7 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 12:4 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

It is funny... and I had never heard this one before!!!

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 13:38 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

wow you two are on a fast track this morning! (8am here) and i am your audience laughing loudly and clapping for each one from the fourth row.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 14:13 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

Gracias Signorina...

Ze next one iss just for you...

(mixing my accents a bit.. I call this mix of accents... Chez French Margarita...)

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 14:36 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."

Speak only in a "robot" voice.

Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".

Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

Practice making fax and modem noises.

Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.

Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.

Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.

Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 14:48 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

clap, clap, clap...sounds like something sailors get or something doesn't it...

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 19:11 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

It has been known - but three times is unusual.

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 19:56 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

There you are you salty-dog!!! I knew that you would know if anyone did. hahahahahaha

Posted on 11 November 2009 @ 20:7 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried foward, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted,

"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Posted on 12 November 2009 @ 15:10 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"

Posted on 13 November 2009 @ 9:36 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus ."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus ."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the

loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus ."

"Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch

before the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "my thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Posted on 13 November 2009 @ 21:12 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

Mr. J. Klaussen

Internal Revenue Service

Dear Sir,

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2008 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions. They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Posted on 13 November 2009 @ 21:16 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

According to a new survey, California drivers are least likely to read the newspaper while driving. It seems it blocks their aim.

Posted on 13 November 2009 @ 21:20 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

Two cowboys were leanin up against the rail at their favorite bar. They're tired and worn out from a long day. Havin a couple of longnecks, just relaxin' and talkin', watchin' the women go by. This beautiful blonde walks by, and the two cowboys look at her, tip their hats back a little, look at each other and smile.

One of them says, "I'll give her a 3."

Other cowboy nods slowly, and says, "Yep. She's a 3 fur sure."

Little while later another woman, this time a fantastic looking redhead, comes walkin by in front of them. First cowboy looks her up and down, smiles, takes a sip from his beer, and says to the second cowboy, "Well, I think that one must be a 4."

And the second cowboy agrees, and says, yep, no arguin' there--she sure

is a 4."

Time passes on by and the cowboys are still sippin their beers, just watching folks pass. And across the room comes this absolutely gorgeous, drop-dead beautiful brunette. As she comes near them, they both kinda straighten up, and tip their hats back a little for a better look.

First cowboy smiles real wide, looks at his pal and says, "Damnnn. That one has GOT to be a 6."

And the second cowboy nods slowly, grins, and says, "Yep. DEFINITELY a 6."

Well, the woman hears them and she is NOT amused. She turns around real sharply and comes right up to the two grinning cowboys. She looks the first one in the eye and says, "Excuse me. But are you two actually standing there rating women??!?"

The cowboys look kinda embarrassed, lookin' down at their boots, and they both nod. One of them says, "Well, yes ma'am, we are, but you don't understand..."

She is REAL mad now, and looks at the cowboy and says, "Well, I'll have you know I've been rated far higher than that by far better than YOU."

And the second cowboy says, "But, ma'am, you really don't understand!"

She says, "What is it I don't understand? Here you are, rating women. I understand THAT."

And the first cowboy says, "But ma'am, we use a different kinda rating system."

The brunette says, 'Oh, and what would THAT be? No one has EVER rated me a SIX before."

The second cowboy says, "Well, we use the Budweiser method, ma'am."

So she asks, "What in the hell is the Budweiser method?"

The first cowboy smiles, looks at her and says, reallllll slowly, "Well ma'am, that's how many Clydesdales it would take to pull you off my face."

Posted on 13 November 2009 @ 21:24 (London time) - permalink
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, posted 2 weeks ago

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up, she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be the best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his care giver!”

The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed….

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. What did you buy?”

Posted on 13 November 2009 @ 21:44 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

You are so right!! I am laughing again. Thank You.. You Old Guy you... *wink and smile*

Hey, I think that I might be a bit like Heather... but then in my culture... we are allowed tattoos and piercings and tie and dye... not doing it might be an affront! *wink* (ain't I glad about that).

And you know what they say about women...

"When the going gets tough... the tough goes shopping!"

Cheers!

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 7:11 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 2 weeks ago

Loved the Scottish one brill!

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 11:11 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 weeks ago

Me too Gina - easily on a par with the one about the Scottish soldier and the condom!

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 11:50 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 2 weeks ago

Aye Phil your right, your both a class act!

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 11:56 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried, "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!" "Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000

condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill.

"Oui?"

"Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton.

"No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.

"I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica."

"Consider it done," said the President of Trojan.

"Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter."

"That's easily done. Anything else?"

"Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM."

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 14:3 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

No offence meant to anyone, btw, it is just a humorous way of raising a toast to the various cultures and people around the world!

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 14:10 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 2 weeks ago

None taken here, i thought it was very funny.

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 14:19 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 14:59 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 2 weeks ago

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 15:0 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 2 weeks ago

lol. Thats funny!

Posted on 14 November 2009 @ 18:40 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 1 week ago

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

Fred looked at her sheepishly and said, 'It's swollen.'

Posted on 15 November 2009 @ 15:18 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 1 week ago

HELL EXPLAINED

BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Posted on 17 November 2009 @ 10:33 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted 1 week ago

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though," mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21."

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." Says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.He would be 18, she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school"

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says, "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Posted on 17 November 2009 @ 14:39 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 1 week ago

ooooowww. Lol

Posted on 17 November 2009 @ 19:36 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted 1 week ago

Things you'll never hear

8 things you'll never hear a man say:

8) Here honey, you use the remote.

7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1) We never talk anymore.

8 things you'll never hear a woman say :

8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being

'just friends'

4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure

out how to get there.

2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a

designer dress.

1) Hey, pull my finger!

Posted on 17 November 2009 @ 21:29 (London time) - permalink
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eyeswideopen, posted 1 week ago

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine I can't get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.

Customer: Your left or my left?

===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?

Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...

Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

===============

Customer: I have problems printing in red...

Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?

Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.

Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.

Customer:! OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.

Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

===============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

===============

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.

Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

===============

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Posted on 17 November 2009 @ 21:35 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 1 week ago

great ones, eyes!!!!

Posted on 17 November 2009 @ 23:46 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 7 days ago

No idea if the preface is true but thought this was amusing!

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called the 'Style Invitational.'

The requirements, one week, were to use the two words: 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski,' (the Unabomber) in the same limerick.

Now, remember, the following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or xxxs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas 'Hail to the Chief'

On this flute made of beef

That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you made such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

What Kaczynski must surely have known,

That an intern is better

Than a bomb in a letter,

When deciding how best to be blown.

Posted on 18 November 2009 @ 10:2 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 7 days ago

That made me laugh, it also made me wonder why their is always a box of tissues on these ex President's desk? funny i always thought they were there for blowing your nose!!

Posted on 18 November 2009 @ 10:13 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 7 days ago

Ha Ha...LMBO!

Posted on 18 November 2009 @ 14:43 (London time) - permalink
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q1605, posted 7 days ago

Why airplanes are better than women

* Airplanes usually kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

* Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

* Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

* Airplanes don't object to a pre-flight inspection.

* Airplanes come with a manual to explain their operation.

* Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

* Airplanes can be flown at any time of the month.

* Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

* Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flow before.

* Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

* Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

* Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

* Airplanes expect to be tied down.

* Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

* Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

* However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good.

Posted on 18 November 2009 @ 16:53 (London time) - permalink
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marriedlady, posted 7 days ago

ouch...its a bad sign in either when smoke is coming out the orifices too....just you wait! haha

Posted on 18 November 2009 @ 19:58 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 6 days ago

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps.. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, They passed in front of a large, silverblack gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now. Tell HIM you have a headache."

Posted on 19 November 2009 @ 11:8 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 6 days ago

Oh Dear...

I guess this should be the answer to the issues many men suffer... A walk in the Park...

*wink*

Posted on 19 November 2009 @ 13:9 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 6 days ago

Rindercella

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits,and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.

The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

Posted on 19 November 2009 @ 15:1 (London time) - permalink
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Ginalolabridga, posted 6 days ago

Ha ha i loved that Phil, i have a follen band after spilling my lucking coffee over it laughing!!

Posted on 19 November 2009 @ 16:40 (London time) - permalink
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C. Grant, posted 5 days ago

Moishe, a Jewish actor, is so down and out he's ready to take any acting gig that he can find. Finally, he gets a lead, a classified ad that says,

"Actor needed to play an ape."

"I could do that," says Moishe. To his surprise, the employer turns out to be Central Park Zoo in New York.

Owing to recent budget cuts and the great recession, the Zoo can no longer afford to import the ape to replace the recently deceased one, so, until they can, they'll put an actor in an ape suit. Out of desperation, Moishe takes the offer. At first, his conscience keeps nagging him, that he is being dishonest by fooling the zoogoers.

Moishe also feels undignified in the ape suit, stared at by the crowds who watch his every move.

But, after a few days on the job, he begins to enjoy all the attention and starts to put on a show for all the zoogoers. Moishe hangs upside down from the branches by his legs, swinging about on the vines, climbing up the cage walls and roaring with all his might while beating on his chest.

Soon, he's drawing a sizable crowd. One day, when Moishe is swinging on the vines to show off to a group of school kids, his hand slips and he goes flying over the fence into the neighboring cage, the lion's den.

Terrified, Moishe backs up as far from the approaching lion as he can,covers his eyes and prays at the top of his lungs, "Shama Yisroel Adonoi Elaheinu, Adonoi Echud!"

The lion opens his powerful jaws and roars the response, "Baruch Shem K'vod Malchuso! L'olam Va'ed."

From a nearby cage, a panda yells, "Shut up you schmucks, you'll get us all fired!"

Posted on 20 November 2009 @ 5:15 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 5 days ago

Battle Of Trafalgar (Updated)

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson: (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employernow. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card." Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats, and they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers onboard, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu - and there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case.......................... kiss me, Hardy."

Posted on 20 November 2009 @ 9:55 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 5 days ago

http://www.101funjokes.com/clean_jokes.htm

The Darwin Awards are out, guys!

Posted on 20 November 2009 @ 12:56 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 5 days ago

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he

never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow."

Posted on 20 November 2009 @ 14:33 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 5 days ago

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man!".

Posted on 20 November 2009 @ 15:11 (London time) - permalink
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katyayni, posted 5 days ago

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward

ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house

training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of

face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT: Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and

textures.

FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal

limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT: You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT: You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was

them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room

you're in.

FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT: The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT: Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.

Posted on 20 November 2009 @ 15:18 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 3 days ago

Paddy and Mick drove to

London to donate sperm. It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!

I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says "You know what I want don't you ?"

"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not

servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like

mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name ?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London!"

Posted on 22 November 2009 @ 17:25 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Phil, posted 2 days ago

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal

test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking

dinner, and he was next to the swimming pool. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Brenda what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Brenda, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is

about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Brenda, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10

feet away. "Brenda, what's for dinner?" Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Brenda, what's for dinner?"

John!, for the FIFTH *//#*/# time, it's CHICKEN!"

Posted on 23 November 2009 @ 19:39 (London time) - permalink
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