A
female
age
30-35,
*odyLeamcdowell
writes:I really need some advice? ok so I met this guy about 9 months ago, we started texting and then went out for some drinks where I ended up spending the night at his house. Nothing happened because I was a virgin (I know strange as I am 22) anyway I carried in seeing him going over to his house and stuff but again no sex. He was going away for 2 months to America about a month later so I didn't want to move to fast as I knew I wouldn't see him for a while he was always quite hot and cold and I never really knew where I stood so I ended up meeting someone else and losing my virginity to him but that didn't go anywhere for a number of reasons. So I started chatting to the first guy again when he was in America and we planned to meet up when he was back which we did. I went to see him and my virginity got brought up I told him I was no longer a virgin and he seemed somewhat disappointed that it was not with him but he was fine. What I didn't say was the guy was actually a guy he used to work with! I know it's bad. So had sex and it was ok but somewhat awkward he had a slight problem getting an erection but it did eventually come.We seemed to really start to like each other and when he told me he was moving 5 hours away for university we decided to stay in touch and see what happened as he would be home often to visit. The next day he found out who I had lost my virginity to and decided not to continue whatever we had going on, I sort of understood. Anyway after about 2 months of very little contact he started it message me again and once again we planned to see each other when he was home for Christmas we spoke everyday for over a month about plans to see each other. So he came home just over a week ago. He came over to my house where we once again tried to have sex but yet again he could not get an erection, we where both frustrated, this happened again a few days later but we continued to talk, he came over last night and the same thing happened. He suggested we go on a drive where he told me that this never happens and he thinks his feelings towards me have changed, he no longer wants to see how things go not just with me but with anybody! It's not the right time apparently, this has come out the blue because apart from the bedroom activity we have been getting on well! His opinion literally changed in a matter of hours... I asked had i changed he said I was the exact same and even made the comment I'm probably looking better. Before he went to uni we spoke about how we could see ourselves in a relationship if it wasn't for him being so far away... So now he has said he doesn't want to not speak to me and we can be friends but that's not what I want! I need advice?!?!? I didn't want to look bitter or needy so I just kind of went along with you win some you lose some and made out I was fine being friends, he spoke about being each other wing man which I did say no too lol I know reading this it looks like I should just move on he's not interested right? But I just don't see how he can change so quick not 20 minutes before this conversation I was laying in his arms whilst we watched a movie.. Help??
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2014): Things are going on in his head; and that is the reason he is going back and forth with you. It was a sad blow to be turned down more than once, after he has known you for so long. Awe hell...then you go and have sex and lose your virginity to someone he knows! After he got turned down several times.
I'm certain you understand how that would upset someone? You seem to be oblivious to how he could feel about it. Are you really thinking anything out? You didn't have to tell him "who" you had sex with! And of all people, someone with whom he worked?! Somebody you're likely to run into while you're with him. He probably visualizes a smirk on the other guy's face, if you're both should run into him while you're together. Least of all, he doesn't want to hear it confirmed by the other guy!!!
What's done is done! He ain't your boyfriend! The odds are against you that he ever will be. It's not written in stone that he couldn't change his mind. I wouldn't bet money on it.
This situation may have changed his feelings about you for a while; but most of this issue is about his male-ego. You're not responsible for that non-sense.
You're not committed to him, and you can have sex with whomever you please. It's just the principle that he hoped he'd be your first. If he isn't emotionally committed to you, that knocks him off the list of potentials. You have a right to choose with whom, and when, you want to have sex. You may have hurt his feelings; but you haven't done anything wrong. His male-ego really should just get over it. It's a guy thing!
If it's only about him being the one to take your cherry, then he's a jerk; and bollocks to his whole tired-ass game! You don't owe him anything, and you can't regenerate your hymen just to make him feel better.
I would suggest that you try to contain your feelings; so you don't suffer at his disposal. He's going to play mind-games to punish you. It's not your fault he goes limp and he can't rise to the occasion; because another guy beat him to it. I'm sure he didn't sit around saving himself for you while he was gone. It's the old double-standard. Don't play into that crapola.
He wasn't around! You can't place your life on-hold for someone uncommitted to you; and HE has some growing up to do. Perhaps he was developing feelings for you, and just maybe he held-out in respect to your wishes to wait. A big fat "MAYBE!!!"
One big mistake on his part; he was remiss in letting you know whether he was considering something more meaningful than taking your virginity.
He may need some time to digest the whole situation, and maybe he'll come-around. Just don't center your life around that! This is one of those situations that you have to go about your life, and let the other person come to you. You don't pander to them, or you'll just get played.
When you're not committed to someone, your options are open. If he can't get the other guy out of his mind during a moment of intimacy with you, that's his problem.
Resist all temptation to beg. Leave him alone!
Take sex off the table for the time being. Don't use your body as a bargaining chip. He'll lose all respect for you.
Even worse, you'll lose respect for yourself.
Don't press the issue. If he has real feelings, you have to allow that to happen spontaneously. Pushing it will only get the same results.
He's turned-off and disappointed you gave it up to someone else. Never forget, it was your choice when to do that. Just understand from a guy's narrow point of view. You so easily turned him down, and he can't get-over you went to someone he happened to know. OUCH!!!
A
female
reader, ConfusedButInLove +, writes (23 December 2014):
A lot of people are different. Some people take a long time to move on, others extremely quickly! Either that, or maybe he just thinks you're both better off as friends. Maybe he thought what you did was so bad, that he's giving himself a break from relationships. I think you should move on, and find a guy who'd like to be with you, I'm sure there are plenty! :)
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