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This breakup has me confused and baffled as to what to do! Advice?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Family, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 August 2018) 4 Answers - (Newest, 3 August 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I was in a violent relationship with a man who was controlling. I then started an affair with a man from work in December 2016, who seemed to whisk me off my feet (although never asked me to leave my boyfriend). I then in June 2017 left him and began a relationship with the man from work. He seemed so keen in the beginning and also I was a little vulnerable from everything and wasnt exactly the best of girlfriends. We had a rocky patch and broke up briefly in March this year, two weeks later we got back together.

Anyway since we have been back together we have been on holiday together, and, I think people from the office know about us now. He stays at my house every night as though we live together but still has his place too. He has a child and from what I thought him and his ex had a good relationship as they co parent quite well. They went out all day on a weekend together with the children and he sees his child every Saturday.

What has bothered me recently is that I keep asking to meet family and friends (as we have been together for a year and a half now) and he says soon or one day but that they are all aware of me.

Anyway, around 2 weeks ago he turned up to my house with underwear in his bag which wasnt mine and looked like it was old too? When I confronted him, he told me it was a birthday prank by his friends, I was a bit unsure as he has never gave me a reason to doubt him in the past. So I went along with it, however, his actions seemed to change, becoming distant, not showing much affection, and i would call and not get through to him at times.

One night after not being able to get through to him I called his ex girlfriend (mother of his kid) She told me he had never made out he was seeing someone that she had no idea who I was and that he was a rubbish boyfriend to her, a liar and a cheat. She asked if we lived together if I had met his family, if I had met his kid, if we had kids how we met and how long we were together. I told her the truth and she seemed ok with me, I told her the reason I called was because of the underwear and for some reason thought it may have been hers. She said definitely not but it will be someone elses. I was shocked, completely shocked. She must have then called him straight away and he then called me and was so abusive swearing saying I'd ruined his relationship with his daughter now and all sorts when I dont see how I have? He said a lot of hurtful things then took all his stuff from my house and blocked me. I said my piece to him saying he has played me a long and all this time I felt I was a secret I was. Nothing back. He is at work but I am off this week but will face him next week when I go back.

He still has my house keys though and I have some of his stuff and he has some of mine. I don't know how to go about getting my stuff back as I am blocked right now. But I guess I will have to see him at work though.

It's just hard as I did genuinely like him and felt he was serious about me (he stayed with me every night?) I just dont get all the secrecy at all and to then hear what I heard from his ex (other women have warned me too)I just feel heartbroken now. I want him to want me back and want an explanation of why all this has gone on but it doesnt look as though that is going to happen does it? I just dont know how to feel or what to do.

Someone messaged me from work today and said he looks miserable and unhappy and hasnt spoken to anyone that could be over me or over his ex? They have been split up over two years now and i know nothing has happened between them. Perhaps they were together a long time and he messed her around a lot and she wont have him back but he has tried to get her back and kept me on the side? I feel absolutely so hurt and lost its unreal and any advice would be great.

View related questions: affair, at work, broke up, ex girlfriend, got back together, heartbroken, his ex, liar, on holiday, split up, underwear, violent

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2018):

Don't kid yourself - he's not unhappy at work because of you. If he were, he'd not have left!

WHY, please tell us WHY you choose to involve yourself with such a cheater and liar of a man? You want him to want you? WHY? Where is the attraction here? What is it that you like about him? The fact that he has other children with other women, lives with you yet brings another woman's panties to your house? Come on, you can do better than that!

It's sad to find that a lot if women (myself included) can't and don't set a higher standard for ourselves. Why are we having to wait for them? Why are we having to hunt them down? If they want to go, please open the door for them and wave bye bye! A much better man (although few are left) will come along and wait for you! A much better man will come along to show you what love and committment is. Have faith! Let this loser go!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018):

Female Anon. Edit: Ask for a leave of absence due to stress.

Not all of us can handle going back and being brave that quickly. I couldn't. We all grieve differently. I am taking the humanistic, compassionate stance. We all make mistakes and don't learn the hard lessons til later. My heart goes out to you for all your suffering. You will be ok in time. Take care of you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018):

I know the kind of pain you are going through. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It isn't so easy to pick yourself up off the floor after you've suffered a certain death. And being cheated on and a relationship ending is a certain death. It isn't easy to face the world in that state either. Sweetie, pls ask for a leave of absence from work due to stess.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2018):

TO READERS, this is a prime-example of why it is risky to date co-workers. I say this again and again!

I was promoted to the "ivory tower;" so I no longer have immediate contact and daily-interaction with my employees; as I used to share as a manager. However, when people brought their personal-problems/romantic-affairs to work, causing disruption; they were treading on thin ice with me. Depending on your job-proficiency, usual sanity, and long-standing history; you'd be given a slap on the wrist, and maybe just a warning. If marital-problems, our company offers counseling as an employee-benefit; with high regard to your privacy. If it stirs-up gossip and talk, that could lead to liability for the company!!! Both your butts are out the door!

Keep your problems and issues off the job. Behave as if nothing is happening while you're at work. Put on an award-winning performance. Arrange to meet in a neutral-place; like the parking lot of a supermarket. Exchange his things for your keys. Be cordial and dignified. Don't make a public scene. He's not worth a public spectacle.

I do have a few reservations about your going back to the mother of his child. You brought drama to her doorstep; where there is an innocent child. You only thought of yourself, and didn't consider how the child could be affected by all this. That's where I draw the line! Kids are innocent and vulnerable. If anything adults say or do has negative-repercussions on the kids, the adults involved are irresponsible assholes. I won't mince words about that!

Your problem was with him. You went and dropped a bombshell on somebody who had nothing to do with your mess. Over some dingy pair of panties?!! Seriously?!! You owe that woman an apology for your scornful irresponsible behavior.

If you didn't believe his story, you could have had him pack-up his belongings, demanded he return your key, and ended it! Then and there! Go to work, and act as if it's just another day on the job. That's how an adult should have handled the whole mess!

What are you so baffled about? It's over, move on. You made another bad choice. It happens to all of us. Take your blows, lick your wounds, and get-on with your life. Enough with the soap opera drama!

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