A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:[Moderator note: Users own title]I am crying so bad as i right this i feel horrible right now, so my boyfriend looked at porn and i found out about a year and a half ago and i came online for help because i have such a low self esteem and i felt like i was not good enough when he did this. But when i came online everyone said it was normal well all the guys of course which makes sense for them to stick up for themselves ... then we started having less pleasurable sex but i thought at least we had sex and still i came online and asked if it it was normal but like always guys said it was supposedly normal...then he couldnt get hard by me at all..and we couldnt have sex and i did not why..and i was gonna break up with him, because it was the tenth time of his softness (by that i mean not being able to get hard) it was two days before valentines but on valentines day he asked me to see him since we've been together for 4 yrs almost an i agreed. we had sex and i asked him why he could and he said it was because he hadnt jacked off to pornography so we got back together and sometimes he got hard and sometimes he didnt but like always i looked up online and online it said it was probably stress and ect but not my fault and i tried to think i wasnt the reason for it i wasnt the reason he could not get hard because i have always been very depressed and suicidal and im afraid thinking that will just get me off the edge so anyway he stopped looking at it cause i got birth control and he could ejaculate inside of me and thought that was way better than jacking off ...i rarely have my period because of birth control but i had my period this week and he was jacking off my to breasts and ejaculating on me since i couldnt have sex but it baffled me that he could get hard everyday this week because i thought the problem was that he would jack off...but now i get it the problem was me because when he looked at porn then looked at me and couldnt get hard because the girls there are increadibly good looking. i admit im chubby i weigh 170 am 5 4 and i have 36D breasts and a normal size butt but a sort of chubby stomach and i just feel horrible because i asked him this and he said yes i think thats why..so this whole time it was me and i got to be honest i just feel like killing myself now that ive found this out..like i asked him so like after you saw them and then you saw me you didnt find me attractive? and he admitted yes but yet the whole time he couldnt get hard i would sob because i noticed like he would only get hard for a little while then i would try to get him in and he would get soft like after i took my clothes off and i felt horrible but he swore it was because he jacked off not because of me but if that was the case wouldnt he be getting soft now?!:( i just feel horrible cause i have horrible unreachable standards ill never be as good looking as them and i cant get this horirble thought of my head that the whole time it was me who couldnt get him up!!! :( :( :(
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breasts, depressed, ejaculate, got back together, period, porn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 No. The problem isn't you, it's him.
I'm overweight, i've been with guys who looked at porn, they found me sexy and could get it up EASILY.
Chances are you can find someone like that too.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 This guy is a nightmare!! Please do not have a low estimation of yourself because of him, of all people!! And not because he watches porn, but because he's a jerk enough to say that you're not good enough!! Who does he think HE is??
You dont have to be perfect,and news flash, neither are those women in porn flicks. There are mostly surgically enhanced and are more plastic than a bucket. If your BF is idiot enough think that that's what good looks are all about, well then there's nothing to say. The sooner you get rid of him, the better it is. Dont let this ever pull you down. All of us have some physical imperfection or the other, but that doesnt make us ugly! On the contrary, if you love someone, you love all their imperfections too!!
Its NOT your fault that you couldnt get this jerk to have an erection, its his own lacunae which he's pushing on to you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 June 2011):
 I do realize you feel rejected by your bf and very bad about your weight and looks. I don't suppose he WANTED to come out and say he had trouble getting hard because of your weight, but you did rather keep on about it until he finally told you, you know.
I have two other comments to make: one is that some men find heavier girls quite attractive and/or they don't mind if she has a few extra pounds. Having an interesting, outgoing personality counts for a great deal in any case.
Second, do you think you would feel better about yourself if you were to start watching what you eat (eating a healthy diet with lots of different vegetables, but some meat, eggs, bread, etc.) and exercising so that you can gradually begin to shed the pounds?
Also, a bit of self-talk such as "I am worthwhile, and I deserve to be happy" focussing on the things you are good at and enjoy doing, plus not making boyfriends the be-all and end-all of your life can help boost your self-esteem.
Perhaps some of the other aunts and uncles will have some good ideas to offer.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (4 June 2011):
 some guys take porn more seriously than others. some will be able to watch it and jack off and it may have no impact on sex with their partner, unfortunately there are other guys who seem to get so into it that it adversely affects their performance with a real partner, in that they will become so accustomed to the fake looking porn stars and the sexual overacting and freaky stuff they do, that real life sex with their partner seems poor in comparison.
your boyfriend has given himself a sexual dysfunction, don't blame yourself. he probably feels shit that he can't perform properly, and i think it is hurtful of him to let you think its coz of the way you look. to someone with low self esteem already, it must have totally crushed you to be told that.
i am not gonna tell you to just accept it it, accept he loves you, blah blah blah and tell you to get on with it because i can see that your entire relationship is in a lot of trouble because of this. i suggest you both get professional help - he needs help to start functioning properly sexually and you need it to build up your self esteem which has now taken a further beating because of your boyfriends porn use
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): It's so upsetting to see what the porn industry has done to your relationship.
Firstly, it is not because you are 'ugly' or any of that. Porn sets unrealistic standards of what boys want from sex. They want it to be rough and wild, with clean shaven girls and unnaturally large breasts. But that isn't a normal, natural woman.
Your boyfriend needs to set apart fantasy and reality. He needs to know the difference between the fake sex he sees on screen, and the possibility of real, pleasurable sex with you.
Please don't think suicidal thoughts just because of sex - that's not just what being in a relationship is about. It's about fun, love, laughter, joy, intimacy, all shared with that special someone.
Perhaps, if this boy makes you feel this way, he is not the one for you?
Sometimes letting go is the hardest, but best thing to do.
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