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No trust is causing issues PART 2 (part on caused an error)

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (28 July 2022) 3 Answers - (Newest, 31 July 2022)
A female United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

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A female United Kingdom age 26-29, anonymous writes:

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I am really struggling with trust issues in my new relationship.

I have been in a relationship with an amazing guy for 6 months. He did open up and straight away tell me when he was 20 he cheated on an ex. I appreciate his honesty and understand he was young but mix that in with the fact my ex most likely cheated on me I'm struggling to trust.

I'm aware most likely sounds strange but All the evidence points to the fact my ex cheated which I found out after we broke up and ecen when we were together he was always with other girls.

I thought being single for 3 years would help me get over these issues but my boyfriend has been at his friend's all day (12+ hours) so we've not spoken and all I can think is "what if he is with another girl"

He has given me no cause of concern and he really respects me but how I can move forward if I don't trust? It's not his actions, I'd be like this with anyone but then it does play on my mind he was capable of doing it 10 years ago to an ex.

Thanks

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, my ex

View related questions: broke up, cheated on me, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022):

P.S.

As for the "he did it before, he could do it again" rationale; be that the case, nobody should ever be forgiven for anything they've ever done wrong. All prisoners should receive life sentences, and everyone should go to jail even for petty crimes. We all just might do it again!

If you've ever hurt someone (and you know you have), should they revoke the forgiveness you received? You will do things that will hurt him; so maybe he shouldn't waste his time on somebody with baggage and trust issues. That seems logical. You think the only wrong thing you can do in a relationship is cheat? Distrust is even more hurtful!!! Especially, when you've done nothing wrong to the one who doesn't trust you!

Imagine if God didn't forgive anybody, and sent everybody in the world to hell; because we will all sin or make mistakes again!

Girlfriend, it's time to see someone professional to help with the trust issues; or you will never enjoy being loved, or being in-love, again! He can't love you knowing you will never trust him.

Who are you to hold him accountable or punishable for something he did long ago to somebody else? We all deserve a chance to atone for our mistakes; and there is such a thing as being reformed. We grow-up and we mend are ways.

Maybe he should immediately end the relationship on the basis of knowing you don't trust him and you're full of insecurities. Maybe you will never change. How about that?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2022):

It's not really a matter of trust. You can't forgive and move on. You're caught-up in your past, and you're bitter and vengeful.

You haven't found a way to punish your ex-boyfriend(s); so you are taking out your pain and misery on everyone to follow.

You've decided cheating is an unforgiveable sin. Hence, you will never trust anybody; and you will forever be the avenger of cheaters!

You will never appreciate the sweetness of love; because you are too bitter to forgive and go forward. You ask how? You start by trying. You're too stubborn, and you're too angry with men in your past.

It's reached a point that you need counseling and therapy; which may be a long and laborious process. You are unforgiving, and that's a hard disease to cure.

To forgive is divine, it frees the soul; and it makes it easier for others to forgive you when you make a major mistake. If it's too hard for you, then pray for it. If you don't believe in God, then get a therapist. Otherwise, you will sabotage every relationship with distrust and unmanaged insecurities.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2022):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Being cheated on is traumatic. And it can end up being some heavy baggage to carry around, especially for someone (you in this case) who DIDN'T do the cheating. You "just" trusted someone who wasn't trustworthy.

I think it is good that he told you about his past in a way. The only way to deal with this is open communication.

It is NOT good that you hold your current BF responsible for what your EX did to you. And what your BF did to someone else when he was much younger.

Have a think here, HOW can you two build trust? Talk to your BF and tell him that you really appreciate the truth but that it has also caused you to find it hard to trust him when you aren't together, that you KNOW it is somewhat irrational but it's also somewhat common sense. As in, HE did it before, HE can do it again.

(Some) People DO mature in 10 years. 20 is still pretty young and immature.

The saying "once a cheater always a cheater" is true in the sense that a cheater can never really UNDO the cheating. So if someone cheated once 10 years ago, HE is a cheater still. That doesn't mean he WILL cheat on you. Or that he cheated more than once.

How did it come up in conversation?  And why did HE feel a need to tell you if he is "reformed"?

I don't blame you for having some alarm bells going on.

This is something you can talk about and perhaps fix together. But it's not something you can "just" pretend didn't happen. That would be dumb of you.

With that said, he could have omitted the truth. And it makes me curious as to WHY he told you. You have been together for only 6 months and he told you right at the beginning.  Thus ruining YOUR sense of security and trust IN him.

Cheating doesn't JUST affect the two people who cheat. It's like ripples in a lake. Family, children, friends, and sometimes workplace - so many people can be affected by two people's inability to keep it in their pants.

When people show you who they are, believe them. I keep hearing that sentence. And there is truth to it. However, in your BF's case, this is (hopefully) who he WAS a long time ago, not who he is anymore.

I think you two really need to have a deeper conversation about this.

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