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My husband wants to uproot our lives to take care of his mom

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Question - (9 May 2024) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 May 2024)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Dear Cupid

Been married for 5 and been with my husband for 10 years. My mother in law got sick recently and would require constant care. My husband is a single child, and he wants to move in with her and take care of her.

He does not want to

1. Move his mother to our home. His Reason - avoid changing doctors and uproot her life (I agree on this point with him)

2. Rent a house near my mother in law house and we all (including my mother in law) live there. (my mother in law house is like hoarder house and I refuse to allow to kid there). His Reason - Too much money and we cannot afford it

3. Selling my mother in law house and take tat money and use it for elderly care, his reason being they wont take good care of her.

We live in a different state from my mother in law. I work full time and we have a 2 year old son. My husband provides below option for me

1. Stay in our home and fly to visit him may be once a month.

2. We all move in to my mother in law house and find a job in this state and put our kid in a new house in this state

I do not know what to do now, I understand that he needs to take of his mom, but what about our family and our son. As per my husband, his mother is his highest priority and he does not care about anything else right now and I should do what is best for me and our kid.

What should I do now, pls help

View related questions: money

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2024):

I think your husband is being as reasonable as he can in the circumstances. It is not a slight on you that he wants to take good care of his mother in her old age. We only get one mother and as you are a mother yourself will know how much she does for us, from birth onwards. Your husband sounds grateful to her and wishes to fulfil his duty as her son to look after her now she needs him to.

Old people often do find it hard to change their ways because they slow down and can't adjust. It will be a comfort for her to stay in her own home with all that is familiar to her. A lot of these care homes in the UK are only in it for the money. Their fees are extortionate and some of them are negligent. I don't know about the USA.

Is it the end of the world for your child to change schools and move home? How old is he/ she? My advice is to go along with your husband. You could find a job nearby or discuss the situation with your current employee. Maybe they would take you back. It might not be for long, who knows.

Remember also that you yourself will be old one day. You don't want to change now so I hope you can understand what it must be like for your husband's mother.

I hope this helps you to reach a decision.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2024):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you, my husband still insist on moving with his mom and taking care of her and not putting her in hospice. Me and our son are staying in our home for now.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2024):

While I understand his need to take care of his mom, he cannot ask you to quit your job. Whatever you decide, do not quit your job if you like it, meaning that you like the salary, the work, colleagues...

Him mom might die tomorrow and you risk blowing up your life for nothing.

If you can provide for your son and yourself and he insists on moving, then he should go and live in his mother's house (his plan anyway) and take care of her and get a new job.

My mother and aunt took care of their mother and I helped out as a kid. They also had to pay a nurse to be there when they themselves couldn't. So I know what I am talking about. Taking care of a sick, elderly person IS A FULL TIME JOB and more often than not requires a professional.

Basically, I see only one option: sell the house, move the mother to a home near you, where you can visit her daily and make sure that she is taken care of.

While I understand that older people do not like to move, because basically they are moving closer to their deaths (that's the way they see it), his mom should be relieved that she has a family she can count on and accept that things change.

If I were you, I would be kind to my husband, but still be firm in my decision. He is in a state of shock. Maybe he will change his mind. So give him time but be firm and protect yourself and your son.

As I said. You risk making some big changes, that could cost all of you a lot, for nothing since she may die soon.

Our dear friend was gravely ill three years ago. We helped him as much as we could, but in the end he had to go to a hospice. We made sure to find him a spot in a hospice very near our home so that we could visit him a couple of times per dime. Sometimes we would even spend the night. That was the best solution even from his perspective. He needed constant care we could not provide.

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