A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: we've been married for 17 years with 2 kids, we are happy family, but one day i just found out that my husbandhad an affair to the other while he was working in a different country. He lied to me he said he never had anothet girl while he was away but the thruth came out that they had been togethet for two years, right now i dont know what to do. i am so mad at him right now! should i stay or should i go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): I really know how you feel. I've had a boyfriend for 4 years and we were going to get married. But last month I discovered he had cheated on me with another woman he met on Facebook. I discovered it the worst way, reading his conversations with the other woman, thanks to a I device to discover the passwords of the pc, which I found on an the Italian site Endoacustica. It has been very hard, but I decided to leave him... i think you should do the same or, in casa you decide to forgive... try to control him!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): Should you leave or stay in a marriage that is already over?
Your hb carried on a relationship with another woman behind your back for 2 years. This speaks volumes about his mindset toward marriage and your relationship.
to me this shows your marriage is already over.
I think you have to ask yourself if you stay with him, what kind of relationship exactly is it going to be? a fake marriage?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): Look if youve been married for 17 years and he has cheated once stay with him. MOST men will cheat if given the chance and that is true If you love him and he loves you forget it this ONCE however if he does it again..........
men can do a lot worse than be unfaithful does he knock you about is he a good father is he a good provider etc etc. do not throw away what is a good marriage because of one mistake
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): You should go. Seriously, what is the point of watering a dead plant? You've already lost your relationship. DON'T lose your dignity as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I agree with all 3 people who have written. However, if you really love him and have children suggest going to counselling.
I've been in your situation. Once trust has gone, that is it, my man continued to act that is he was not seeing women but he was, I had many evidence that he was, I even made a fake profile and he contacted me and booked restaurant to meet the fake woman. I was in denial, I stayed, it damaged me so much , I was so ill, At the end I left.
It has been 6 months now and I am getting on with my life. I am also around your age.
I am much happier now, although no man in my life, I do not trust men any more, I am sure there some decent men, I think most of them at our age are married.
Good luck, it is not as easy as get up and leave, it takes time to come to terms with the fact the marriage is over. You should see relate for yourself even if he does not want to see one. Remember, it is not you, it is him, he has problem not you. some men just want anything that wears skirt.
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A
female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Dear Anonymous,
17 years is a long time, with 2 kids... sorry to hear that your happy family is shattered with your husband having an affair.
How you discovered it, what he said when you discovered it, and what he is saying and doing now, will assist you in making the decision.
You have to do what's best for you, and your kids. If he has broken it off with the other women, if he is no longer overseas, and he is a repentant changed man, then you have something to work with. You can then attend therapy, and eventually couples therapy, to have professional help in rebuilding bridges back to your marriage, and to try and trust again and move forward.
If however he is still seeing the other women, or is still working overseas and you have no way of determining he is being loyal and faithful, and he hasn't changed, then your decision will be easier. I would still seek therapy, to discuss everything that has happened, and to not only heal, but learn and grow from the traumatic experience.
Wishing you strength through this difficult time; good support, encouragement and motivation from family and friends; peace, and eventually, happiness again!
*HUGS for what he has done*
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I agree 100% with pinktopaz, this was a relationship, not a one night passionate error of judgement.
The seed has been sewn and is going to take a massive amount of work and trust building to get back on track...not impossible, but unlikely to succeed since nobody can make another person do something they don't want to do and if your husband has done this, who's to say he won't do it again?
So many other issues here...stay or go? Neither path will be easy but at least the latter offers you a chance to hold on to your self respect and sanity.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz  +, writes (29 June 2012):
Two years! He didn't just cheat, he had a relationship with someone else! Sure, things can always be resolved and you can forgive him, but you're never going to forget and I'm sure you'll resent him. In the end you'll never be happy and anytime he goes anywhere, you're going to worry that he's with another woman. Leave his ass and take everything!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): "we've been married for 17 years with 2 kids, we are happy family, but one day i just found out that my husbandhad an affair .... they had been togethet for two years,"OK, realize that you are/were NOT a 'happy family' if your husband was driven to have a 2-year relationship with another woman.It's important that you remove the label "happy family" because that is a denial cover up for not digging deeper to uncover the real truth of your relationship with your husband.Your relationship has had serious problems for a long time, if your husband not only cheated on you but carried on a real relationship with another woman for so long. There is emotional attachment between him and her. They have a relationship that has lasted longer than a lot of other relationships too. That this can happen is indicative you have not been having a 'happy family' for a long time, much longer than you know.You need to talk to your husband to find out his feelings for you and for the other woman. Maybe he does not want to stay with you if he had an easy way out of the marriage?Personally I think you should leave him. I don't think his heart will be genuine if he stays with you. He's shown that he is capable of lying and leading a double life for TWO YEARS. He's a very good actor!! You can never be sure he's not still doing it.
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