A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my beautiful girlfriend for a year. I have never been happier with a partner. There is one thing that is bothering both of us and that is with intimacy. Now without going into too much detail, at the end of the day if I didnt initiate it, it would never happen.she loves kissing and cuddling and we used to do this for ages, all the while I was getting more and more frustrated. As it was early days I really didnt mind, but this would very rarely lead to anything sexual.We did go further after about 3 months and I guess I hoped that after a year it would happen more frequently. It has but it seems that I am putting more pressure on her than I would like. I feel terrible. It is impossible to read though. Sometimes she wants to and most of the times she doesnt or she just goes along with it to make me happy. It is like russian roulette. I am now getting sex obsessed. I am in the mood all the time and constantly in a semi state of frustration. She is also upset that I don't act like I did previously. Now I am trying to fix this before it becomes a problem. If I kiss and cuddle and never initiate it, it will never/ rarely happen and I will become frustrated. Shy of kicking myself in my tackle before these sessions what should I do? She has also confused me by saying that she doesnt want me to stop initiating. We are intimate 2 times per week are both in our mid to late 20's and are very much in love. I don't want to think that this will be a major problem I just want to know what I should do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA lot of your points seem to be fairly good. I will point out however that there is nothing wrong with the mechanics, as in she rarely doesnt go and the act itself is very intimate with plenty of foreplay, tenderness etc.When we were first intimate she would get unbelievably aroused but she thought that this would make me think that she was weird. So she tensed up to try and stop the physical signs of this. She also has body image issues that are a result of external factors when she was younger. She has an amazing body too.It is just that she has to be incrediably comfortable with things before she wants to. So we made huge steps then I made the stupid mistake of bringing up that I was getting frustrated by the sporadic and infrequent sessions (ie never knowing when she wanted to, and when she wanted affection only). This made her feel uncomfortable again and things havent been the same. SO despite the progress we are somewhere a little further than square one. I am just getting frustrated, and wondering if this will get any easier and what should I do to make her more comfortable. I love being with her, and just want to know what I can do differently
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (7 November 2012):
 You are experiencing what most of us have struggled with in one or more of our relationships. Not everyone has the same sexual appetite and your g/f seems a little immature sexually, which means she hasn't really gotten in touch wth her sexual side. She seems pretty happy with cuddling (something most girls out grow sometime after the age of 21. But some women mature later in life (and some never do). Also her upbringing may be clouding her mind. If she was taught it was bad, or forbidden, or dirty and should be avoided she is struggling with it's true purpose. The other thing to consider is that she is not that sexually attracted to you. Many girls fall for guys because they feel "safe" but they fail to notice they're not turned on by the guy. These are all things you have to consider carefully. Do you waste more time, invest more of yourself only to discover you're just mis-matched? Do you wait for her to come into her own and hope that eventually she will? Keep the channels of communication open. Why not ask her how she views sex? Just make sure she's not giving you the pat answer she thinks you want to hear. How was she raised? Do her parents seem to be in love with each other, do they show their affection, seem genuinely turned on by each other? Maybe she doesn't know how a woman is suppose to act because she hasn't seen it modeled and really doesn't know what she's missing. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (7 November 2012):
 "We did go further after about 3 months and I guess I hoped that after a year it would happen more frequently."What exactly were you hoping for? 7/7? 5 times daily? Are you used to more sex from your previous relationships or from the time you were single? Or do is it more of a fantasy wish to have more sex that is not based on any reality? Realize that 2x is pretty normal. And many people would even say you're quite lucky you're getting it two times a week. But if the amount of sex is that important to you, then maybe you need to look for a different partner."It has but it seems that I am putting more pressure on her than I would like. I feel terrible. It is impossible to read though. Sometimes she wants to and most of the times she doesnt or she just goes along with it to make me happy. It is like russian roulette."You said it yourself: most of the times she doesn't want it and does it just to keep you content. So how is it impossible to read her then? It's not. You just read her. It's not that complicated. If you know she is not into it and you continue to pester her even though you know that she is not into it the majority of the time, then it's a selfish, shitty thing to do. But clearly you don't care that much, as you keep doing it."If I kiss and cuddle and never initiate it, it will never/ rarely happen and I will become frustrated."I am confused here. How can you say if you "never initiate" and you just kiss and cuddle that nothing will happen? You clearly initiate twice a week, no? You say you're intimate 2 times a week, which means you're initiating at least twice. So why are you getting frustrated and upset because she wants to kiss and cuddle several times in a week?I hate to break this to you, but kissing or cuddling are not per-requisites for freaky time. Why does it have to lead somewhere? Why can't you just chill out and give her what she wants? She is obviously putting out twice to give you what you want, so why can't you give her what she wants? All this girl is asking for is some non-sexual intimacy without you mauling her every day. This not not all about you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 November 2012):
 I hear a lot about what you need from this, but what does she need?
People don't usually just go off sex for no reason. Did she recently start a new birth control pill? That can be to blame. But far more likely is that she's not physically enjoying herself as much as she'd like.
It's important that she is turned on enough at the start of sex (lots of foreplay) and that she not only orgasms regularly, but that it also happens easily (meaning it happens without you having to break your jaw giving her oral or one of your arms going numb). If this isn't happening, you should ask her how to make that happen. Maybe more oral, maybe more fingers, maybe a toy.
If she doesn't know or can't properly show you, she needs to start masturbating more to figure it out and then show you. Whether that's a particular way she likes to be touched or using a vibrator, do that.
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