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My boyfriend takes ages to cum. Is it because there's something wrong with him? Or with me?

Tagged as: Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 March 2006) 14 Answers - (Newest, 5 August 2014)
A female , *andyCane writes:

Ive been with my b/f for just over a year. We love each other very much and do plan to get married in the near future. The problem is our sex life or maybe it's my problem?

Well anyway I can get him aroused easy enough; i'ts just that he takes ages to cum and sometimes he don't cum at all. I feel very upset. I feel like I don't satisfy him enough and it makes me feel that I ain't pretty enough for him.

He says when I mention this to him that I'm always going on about it like it's some problem, which I tell him it is, and he says it ain't a problem for him. He's always been like this.

Why I don't understand I say, and he says I am going on about nothing. Whatever I say, he's got a answer for but it ain't satisfying me his answers. All I keep thinking is that there's something wrong with him... actually I'm thinking about this all the time.

Is it natural? Is there something wrong with me or him or both? Another thing is that after he has cum his penis stays erect for ages....Is this right?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2014):

Hi,i suffer from this too. My wife is crazy gorgeous, i love her to bits, but i take ages to cum, she tries holding off which then just lessens her orgasms because she is trying so hard to hold off cuming herself.

i don't know if this will help, but we've been realising more some of the potential causes, I'm quite large, which effects the way we have sex, but the reality for me is that despite the size, the only bit that makes a difference for me is stimulation to the head, so some positions simply don't offer enough stimulation. It hasn't solved it for us yet, because it is still the case that the positions that give me more stimulation bring her to orgasm quicker too, but it feels like progress to realise it.

i think the important thing is to keep openly communicating, i didn't really think of sex as equal, so it took me a while to realise how much my wife wanted to make me cum as much as i love to make her. He from the sounds of it hasn't twigged that yet either. In the end, if you love each other it is worth working it out together. So talk, try new things, always be honest and never blame each other.

if you are at the right stage in your relationship, be honest with each other about your Insecurities, it could be that he has performance anxiety, if for example he is overly worried about pleasing you, he may be robbing his own pleasure!

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A female reader, unhappy8992 United States +, writes (4 August 2014):

I have the same problem with mine our sex sessions last anywhere from 3-6 hours sometimes longer. I didn't think it could be me I am attractive thin and in shape. He likes for me to give oral most of the time as soon as he penetrates me we have sex for maybe 10 minutes before he gets soft. I have to give more oral to get him hard and he wont penetrate me much after that. I spend hours giving him oral which he loves.but he takes hours to Cum and sometimes he doesn't which makes me feel like I couldn't satisfy him or turn him on. This has become a problem for me and most of the time I get tired after hours of oral that he ends up having to masturbate. I end up with a sore mouth and sometimes he says lets take a break which I hate because I feel like we have to start all over. I feel like he's getting what he wants but I am not. I know im not loose or boring. He does have a high adrenaline all the time he is always so active

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2010):

okay so i don't know the problem but all the girls who say its great to have a guy like that obviously have never been with one. my girlfriend is extremely irritated with my problem and its not because of anything she's doing. but can someone please give a good answer because its really annoying me that no one takes this as a serious problem. what happens when these guys want to have kids naturally and cant even cum in their significant other.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2010):

It might be because he is masturbating so much on his own and then that makes it hard for him to come. I have the same problem with my husband and I can tell you, I'm really sick of it. It makes me sore and it makes sex not fun. Every time I try to talk to him he gets mad saying that I can't ask him not to masturbate. I wouldn't get married if I were you because it feels awful to have the joy of sex be ruined for you. It just becomes a chore when you have to do so much extra work to make them come. All the spontaneity is gone.

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A male reader, lmoore117 United States +, writes (12 July 2010):

I am a single guy. 33 yrs old, non smoker, non drinker.

I masturbate sometimes as much a 5 times a day, and sometimes not at all. I have come to learn to control my orgasm, to work how and when I want it to. I have seen myself last as long as 2 to 3 hours, Sometimes I don’t cum, and when I don’t cum its is because my partner is dull and boring, or is afraid to express themselves. This has cost me some relationships in the past, and some females become intimidated after they have cum and found out that I have not yet come. I enjoy this issue that I have. The females I have been with complain about how good their sex is, and how the men in the past were weak to only be able to last a few minutes, but when they get a hold of me they want to think something is wrong.

Well the fact of the matter is that “I” am in control, of the sex. I can make them cum as many times as I want, then when I am ready, I will cum. I see these women complaining about men not being able to last, but now the tables are turned on these females, now they understand the frustrations that a man goes through when they cant satisfy their partner.

The act of sex is not about satisfying yourself, it is in fact about making your partner happy. Usually if one cums too quickly they are either selfish, have no self control, or may even have some pent up tension.

Ladies, be thankful if he can outlast you, and if he can, then work on cumming at the same time.

I continue to look for Ms. Right, and I know for a fact that sex will not be an issue, as long as she can keep the kinkiness up, as I too will do the same.

I apologize for being so long winded but this matter is something that no quick fix can solve.

Self Control – Health – Unselfishness - Understanding these few things along with other positive enforcements will aid in and lead to a healthy sexual Appetite.

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A male reader, manperson101 United Kingdom +, writes (4 March 2010):

Hi, I would have to agree in part with an earlier comment. I once had a girlfriend when I was in first year at uni. I was really inexperienced n nervous about sex. I had trained myself to 'hold it back' because I was worried about finishing too quickly. However, ironically, once we started to have sex, I really struggled to come. I was enjoying the sensation of it and I could always get it up but after a while I was the one who had to feign tiredness to avoid spending and hour trying to come. It was frustrating for me and for her but whenever she asked I always said it didn't bother me. After we broke up and I started dating someone else, I would still last a good 10 to 20 minutes or so during sex, plenty of time for her to come but without it becoming a chore. Not that it would be a chore with girl number 2! She made it very interesting with food, accessories and kinky stuff. However, the most important thing was that she really tried to be sexy and took it quite seriously, and most importantly, she helped me keep a good RHYTHM! So many times, the previous girlfriend started and stopped so I would never get close. I hope this helps. And to complete the story I've been married to girl number 2 for 4 years!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2006):

Your answer

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2006):

When my boyfrined became like that I found it to be that he was wanking himself alot and also screwing other women - normally he would only go for less than two minutes. Whenever I confronted him about it he too became agressive and very cagey about it - not to get you paranoid but if asking him about it makes him this way - then just maybe he's hiding something. Thats what I've found in men who react that way!! It could be simple and completely innocent or there could be more to the story than meets the eye. Just a thought!! Good Luck!!

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A female reader, smeedle United Kingdom +, writes (6 March 2006):

smeedle agony auntI had a bloke once that just took forever to come and he did this deliberatly as he thought I wanted him to last and last, what he did not realise is that it had become boring waiting for him to come and I was just fed up, when he did come it was such a relief and boy did he make me sore.

sadly I was young and did not realise that he had trained himself to last out for ages and ages and ages, I was not experienced enough to be able to identify the problem and solve it, now I would talk dirty and tell him my fantacies, this coupled with anything kinky he liked would bring him to orgasm much faster than just lying there and wishing it was over.

Talking dirty and a bit of massaging of any exposed sexual area does the trick and if I choose I can get a man to come in my time not his.

Practice, read up on technique and practice talking dirty and in no time at all you will be in controle and problem will be solved.

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A female reader, CandyCane +, writes (6 March 2006):

CandyCane is verified as being by the original poster of the question

CandyCane agony auntThe thing is i do give him oral sex but why should i do this every night for him to cum in me plus i really dont enjoy doing it. Spose i do it for his pleasure. I think martini is right maybe i have slacked down there i have got 3 kids from a previous marriage. I dont just lie there tho i do go on top and he also takes me from behind. We always make love in different possitions. Maybe i will have to give him up cos it will become a problem i know it will eventually. We cant even discus any of this cos he says it aint a problem and he says im obsessing about the situation. I feel so sad cos ever time i mention this he gets all arguementive and says that im making it a issue. Thank you for all whos tried to answer my question.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006):

He could be taking some kind of drug that you don't know about. I have had that experience and the person said the sex was great, but the drug numbs them and the can't ejaculate.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006):

Ah, I felt the same way with an ex. The reason in my case however, was that she just didn't do anything. I'm going to get a bit graphic here...

Like when she looks at me in that sweet horny way, I get super turned on, but I dread penetrating her because first, she is not tight, and she doesn't 'know' how to squeeze her vaginal muscles together. Second, she just lies there biting and clawing me, which is fine and should be arousing, but she is so rigid - just lays there moaning. It becomes a turn off after awhile. Back then, it took me more than an hour to cum, and when I finally did, I was still unsatisfied, and more often than not, if I wasn't too tired, I would go masturbate with porn which satisfied me.

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A female reader, juliagulia United Kingdom +, writes (6 March 2006):

juliagulia agony auntMaybe you should try oral or manual stimulation and see if that helps him to get there. Some people (men and women!) require more stimulation than what actual intercourse can provide. It may be that he masturbates a lot and that makes it more difficult for him to get off with you. It probably is not anything at all to do with you and, honestly, I can see why it bothers you, but if it doesn't bother him, then maybe you should just let it go. I have a hard time getting there myself, regardless of who my lover is, but I don't mind as I enjoy the act itself very much and see an orgasm as "the icing on the cake" when it does happen. Also, it is much better for him to take too long than to be a "two pump chump"! :)

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A female reader, twinkle +, writes (6 March 2006):

twinkle agony aunthi,

wow! hunni i dont know why your worried most women would love to have a man like that him taking ages is a good thing all it means is he has good self controll, so dont worry your not doing anything wrong. and about him staying erect for ages after thats nothing to worry about all men are different so its just the way his body works.

kay :D

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