A
female
age
41-50,
*heryl30f
writes:I have been in a relationship with a guy for almost 4 years now. Living together for most of it. I love him more than anything, and we have been through a lot together. We both have 2 children from previous relationships and all 4 children are involved in our lives on a regular basis. There isn't any problem there. The problem is that he is still legally married to his ex! In his mind he doesn't have a wife any more, but in my mind he is still married! I have never been married and some day I would like to be married. I am not saying that I want to get married tomorrow, but some day! I guess I just need to know that there is possibility of it. It is every girls dream! I have told him how I felt in the past, and he has told me that he would marry me some day and the only reason he hasn't divorced her is that we can't afford it and he wasn't sure about how his kids would react. BUT we can afford it, it would be approx $700 at the most for a do-it-yourself divorce and we waste a lot of money if he just did it we would be fine financially, and his kids know we are together, they come and have sleepovers, all holidays are together, we go on family outings together, family trips etc. They know there is no chance of him and their mother getting back together so how would it affect the kids?? Like I said I am not saying marry me now, maybe someday down the road, I could see marriage maybe affecting them, but they are already used to the fact that they are not together anymore and I am the one he is with. I am so sick of feeling like the other woman, because in my mind his WIFE lives up the road, and until they are legally divorced, she still has all the rights to him that a wife would have! I love him more than I could ever say, but I am seriously thinking about leaving this relationship because I refuse to be living with someone for the rest of my life when he is still married to someone else, and I do want the possibility of marriage, I have dreamed about my wedding day all my life. He just does't realize just how much this bothers me. In his mind it is just a piece of paper, but in my eyes it is something very special that 2 people who love each other do to share their love with the world. He was fixed after he had his 2 children and I am still having a hard time with the fact that I will never be able to share a child with him, she is the only one that will have that with him. I am learning to deal with that because there is nothing he can do about that, but he can do something about the fact that she had that special day with him, and until the marriage ends, that is still a symbol of their love together! Maybe I am being selfish, I don't know, but I am not living my life with a man who is married to someone else, no matter how much I love him or how good of a man he is!! Please some1 give me some advice, I don't want to lose him, but sometimes there are no other choices than to let go!
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divorce, his ex, money, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2009): If your relationship is great, he will step up to the plate and do the right thing. He probably will not do that till you draw the line in the sand as he is comfortable. I think he will do the right thing and propose to you if things are going that well. If you want marriage I would not settle as you will become resentful! Most women want marriage and it is a normal thing to wish for.
A
female
reader, Cheryl30f +, writes (28 November 2009):
Cheryl30f is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses, I definetly don't want to force hime into marriage, If I am going to be married, I want the guy to want to marry me and ask me to marry him on his own terms not mine! I just don't want him to be married to some1 else. I want him to make the moves to at least start the divorce process. It's been 4 years now and I have told him how I felt a while ago. I refuse to tell him again. I want him to want a divorce, just as I would like him to want to marry me. I don't want to make these decisions for him. I really have alot of thinking to do I guess. Set a time frame and if he hasn't at least started the divorce, move on to someone who wants the same as me. It just kills me inside to even think about leaving him. We have a wonderful relationship, he is my best friend, and I love him soooooooooooo much. I have been in other long term relationships before where I thought I loved them, but being with him now, I know I have never loved before him!! I am sooo torn, am I willing to give up my dreams to stay with him?? Maybe there is no1 else out there that I could love like I like him, and knowing how I love him, could I ever even begin to love some1 else?? I really beleive that we were made for each other! I have always heard that love is seeing an imperfect person perfectly. I can honestly say that there is nothing that I don't love about him! Even his "so-called" flaws!! soooo torn
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reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (27 November 2009):
 oh my god, believe me i know exactly whats goin on in your mind. cos id been in that place like you too before. until i give up and say ok, anyway i love him and we have one son together. so its ok if he really can not devorce his wife and can not marry me then fine, its ok. but god" this relation takes 10 years between him and me. finally my head hit the big stone and realise, hey" what am i doing? if he really love me and if he dont wanna lose me, he will devorce his wife and he will marry me. so i told him, i need a space. i need to be alone for a while and need time to think. and yes when im alone, i realise he is not the only man in this world, some man can give me also the marriage dream of all women. i talk to him and ask him one more time, if he is going to marry me? at least for the sake of our son! and he said" WHY YOU CAN NOT WAIT? god" after 10 years he said i can not wait. so what i do is" go.leave him and go, go on in my life, finally i find a good man, who marry me, and now the X" said he is sorry and he will devorce his wife but i must come back to him..funny" well too late".. hope this story lead you in the right track......... good luck
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 It's been four years now and he really needs to get it together. I suggest that you have an honest talk with him and let him know how you feel. Figure out a timeline for divorce and stick to it. He may try to stall, but if he is truly committed to you he will at least make a big move in the right direction. If not, well, you may have to move on to someone else.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): NO, you are not selfish. I would not be investing years and years of my valuable time without knowing where the relationship is going. It is hard to say but I believe there must be a deeper reason why he is not divorcing her. Could it be deep down he thinks there is a small chance of reconciliation with her? I think you need to draw a line in the sand not with him but in your own mind. You do not want to give him an ultimatum because that can backfire. You want him to want to marry you as we know marriage is not always easy. He will resent you if you force him into it. It sounds like he is very comfortable and does not want to get out of his comfort zone. Determine your options, 1)take a break 2) stay in the same situation and accept it
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