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My boyfriend is dumping me, just to experience dating other people!

Tagged as: Dating, Long distance<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2005) 9 Answers - (Newest, 25 July 2009)
A female , *hurning heart writes:

I have been going out with this guy since 5 years, starting from college, and have been on long distance for more than 2 years. We try to see each other as often as we can. Went on a vacation with him in Jun/Jul and saw him over the weekend 2 weeks ago. He asked for a break end of our vacation when in came back to the US, but we still talked every day.

But this weekend, when I called he said how much he loves me and missed me, but at the same time he needs to experience going out with other people and is planning to ask this girl out this week (just met like a 1.5 month ago). He also says that I have been too compromising and that it would be better for us if he can learn how to take care of other people.

He says he doesn't love this girl and I am the only one, but he just wanted to try something new and that this is the right time to do it. He also says that he wants to be with me in the long term. Even though he wished I coud stay single, he is not going to ask me to wait as it wont be fair. I am so lost.

How can he do that to me? I dated him in his worst years, when no one ever repsected him and now that he is standing on his own feet and has other people around him, he is dumping me?! Does he still love me? How should I move on? Please help

View related questions: a break, long distance, move on

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009):

I have a boyfriend that appears to be curious to date other women... I'm his first girlfriend, we've been dating for 3 years. He was 25 years old when we first started dating..He's been very critical of me lately and has been wanting alot of space. I don't know how to react to this b/c he say's he loves me and says we are not right for each other. I have met his family and he has met mine, I was under the impression that we would get married soon because of all the time we spend together, he says we would get married someday. He also said he has not experienced other women, he would like to see how it would be.. But yet he still plans things with me and see each other everyday

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A female reader, gracebfg United Kingdom +, writes (17 July 2009):

i said this to my ex,i was with him for a year and a half, i wanted to date other people and experience it and ended up in a long term reltionship with somebody else. hes telling u that you the one and only because he still cares about u, but honestly i no its hard but i think you shouldnt wait for him because i dont think hes going to come back. i didnt with my ex and i dont think he will. hes will always love you but not in the same way. do what you heart tells you in the end, even though you love this guy, if he really wanted to spend the rest of his life with you he would of stayed with you in the first place. i no its harsh but its the truth! hope it help

love Gracebfg!

xx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2009):

I know exactly how it feels. I started dating someone who just got out of a bad marriage. I wasn't the first girl he dated but he was married for 23 years. We dated exclusivly for 6 months. He was really into me... roses,jewelry, calling me all the time. We had alot of chemistry together. Then he told me that before he committed to me he needed to date other girls, he said he didn't want any regrets, but that he knew I was the one for him. Whatttt??? am I missing something. He is really a great guy but I am so confused.

Ps He even introduced me to his family!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009):

I cant tell you what to do about your situation because i am in the same exact situation its freaky, my boyfriend is asking me for a break at this moment but hes still lovey dovey with me when i go to his house, its stressing me out and making me angry because i was his first girlfriend and i too was with him through hard times and im know that i am the only girl that will feel this strongly about him but it aparantly doesnt matter because he is too focused on experiencing what other relationships are like and i feel as if he wants me to wait around until he is done exploring so i can be the long-term relationship leading to marriage, and it hurts.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008):

I only read the first few posts...but you guys dont deserve this. Dont wait for him at all. If he/she wants to 'experience' other people they obviously dont love you and RESPECT you the way you do. Dont put up with it. They dont deserve you!!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2007):

I completely sypathise with your situation, i have been dating this girl for the last 2 years. she is not my first as i have had many failed attempted relationships over the years, most lasting just a month or 2, however i can honestly say that she is my one Love.

unfortunately i was her first ever, and when we met she we both had a few problems and over the period of 1 and a half years we were completely happy and content. this was followed by a period of 6 months of "uncertainty" on her part where she wanted me then didnt. now about 3 weeks ago she tells me that she is completely ready for a relationship and as anyone else would i jumped for joy. the following 3 weeks i could only compare to heaven. we were just as we were. close, happy and content. we went to see travis at sherwood pines and upon retuning home and laying in bed cuddling she told me that she was falling for me again. well needless to say my heart practically arrested. i was as close to heaven as i ever thought i would ever get. from here i thought nothing could stop us. then that folloing week she gradually became colder. and then we had a "chat" (OHHHHH how i just LOVE those chats!) where she told me that she had feelings for me but she wanted to go out and experience other people. and now thats like taking a nose dive off a plane at 30,000 ft with no parachute. now like u i too feel like shit but with time hun. believe me you dont need that shit in ure life, maybe with time he will realise the mistake he has made, but who knows, u cant spend ure life waiting for that day hun, u must accept ure feelings for him, and focus on living your life. i mean who knows u might even find someone out there that will make u as happy as he did. i sincerely hope you find that strength and find your way ...... as do i. :-) be well ... Mickey xox

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2007):

With pain and in tears I'm writing this comment, feeling about the same as you. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. We are both young (20 and 21), probably too youngh but it did work. I was his 3rd girlfriend, and he was my first. We became really close, and not just lovers but also as best friends, and our entire families are together as one big united family. Almost every day we spend time together, until he wanted a break of a few weeks whereafter we got back together again. During these 5 years he has cheated (minor) on me 3 times, and the first and second time I was able to forgive, but now the third just struck me hard because he does not want to stop! It was then that my boyfriend told me that this girl did not mean anything to him, but that he did want to go out and fool around with her (or any other girl), because he wanted to experience other people. But then again, he says he loves me very much and wants to be with me in the long term, as the woman of his dreams. He doesn't know what to do: he wants to be with me, but still wants to experience other people without hurting me.

I love him with all my heart, and I have not been able to accept this decision, as it came very abruptly. I have always been there for him, in good and bad times, and believe me, no-one will ever be able to be for him like I did and he knows that. After 5 years I am still completely crazy about him, more and more each day and I do not feel the need to experience other boys.

I feel like I can't deal with this, it just breaks my heart. I can't sleep, can't eat, and I just don't see the point in getting out of bed.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2005):

There's nothing you can do about this dear. He's made his choice and now you have to heal. First of all, acknowledge the reality of this breakup and acknowledge your feelings about it. Accept but do not dwell on shame, self-blame and embarrassment, and all the 'shoulda/woulda/coulda's' (eg:I should have known better, etc.) Please begin to surround yourself with people who do care, and who openly say so. Keep reminding yourself often that you are loved. Now, if you are having a lot of heartache after awhile (and you will) be strong and remember, that you can go on. If you are feeling really bad, snap your fingers to interrupt the thought, and fixate on something that makes you happy. Do not drive yourself crazy with thoughts that your ex is blissfully happy while you're miserable. Only your experience counts, and only your efforts make you happy. Don't blame anyone. Pointing the finger at yourself or your ex for what each of you did wrong is self-defeating and prevents you from healing. Decide that neither of you is at fault. Feeling sad, worthless, and foolish is normal. You may have trouble eating and sleeping, and you may imagine that you'll never find anyone to love again. Just allow yourself to feel your pain, but do not wallow in self-pity. Keep busy with exercise or projects. If you get mad, good! Allow yourself to experience the anger, but don't exaggerate it, or tack it onto all your past hurts. Don't let yourself become bitter. Finally, you will eventually start believing it's over. You will no longer expect your ex to call, and you will begin to feel at peace. And it will be then, that you will get your life back. At some point You will be ready to go out with friends and to meet new people. Believe it or not, you will not give your ex much thought some day. But you have to mourn, grieve and accept and get there. This is the only way to heal. Good luck my dear...my thoughts are with you

Hugs,

Irish

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005):

He is feeling inadequate towards you, and wants to find out what he is missing. When men feel they are losing their sense of equilibrium, they tend to jump ship, and try walking on new ground. Once they " find themselves" again, their old friends can recognize the person they used to know again. YOu are both young, and started dating when you were even younger. Both of you need to date others, and get an idea of how others live. If you both really love each other, it will survive the other people you date. With the separation between you two, you should not be surprised that he wants to date others, and frankly, you should be dating others, too. When I was in college, my roommate's girlfriend had a rommate engaged to marry a man who had graduated. She had promised her father she would finish college before getting married, so she stayed behind in school, and carried on the romance by phone, and few trips to the east coast during breaks. Since she was " attached ", but bored sitting in her room every nite, we agreed to go out platonically, so that we could provide transportation and share evenings with our two roommates. We did that the whole year. At first she didn't want to talk about her fiance much at all. But, as the year progressed, I listened to her frustration, and hopes, and we talked more and more. We became very good friends, and while we kept the agreement to be platonic, others thought there must be something going on between us because we were always seen together. There wasn't. I grew to like her very much, but we could never have been lovers, or a couple. We just didn't click that way. But, I missed her when she left to go East and get married. I think the experience was good for both of us. Obviously, this is not quite the same as I am suggesting would be good for both of you, but it makes the point about learning about each other by dating others. I think you will either learn to appreciate and cherish each other more, or learn that one of you is not right for the other, and move on. Either way, you both win.

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