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My boyfriend is convinced I'll leave him, but puts me down all the time too. Why is he acting like this?

Tagged as: Dating, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 September 2008) 5 Answers - (Newest, 25 November 2010)
A female Canada age 36-40, *ola16182 writes:

My boyfriend of a year started acting weird a month ago. He puts me down a lot verbally (that's I'm fat, act dumb, etc.) and I tell him that it hurts my feelings but he just says "you know I'm only kidding, I love you for you and wouldn't be with you if I really believed those things" which makes me feel better but the comments still hurt.

Also, in the past we had gone out and broke up cuz while we were on a break he started dating another girl. We broke up for ayear, and although my trust will never be 100% in him it has come a long way. In the last couple weeks he keeps saying things like "you're gonna make another guy happy someday" "i know you're going to get bored of me and leave me" and that i dont love him anymore, and I don't know why he's acting like this. I have no intention of going anywhere, but one of my friends is thinking that maybe he is saying these things to get me to leave him so that he won't look like the bad for dumping me 2 times in a row.

Also he was the 1st and only guy I've ever slept with, and he commented the other day that he was so happy when I lost my virginity to him because after I'm gone he would still be able to hold onto a piece of me that nobody could take it away. He started crying after that.

Lastly...the only other thing I can think of is his starting new school in a female dominated area. We hang out like 24/7 but when school started he said he needed more time to study and stuff. But I'm really scared cuz he loves attention and all the girls are swooning over him, and there is one girl that hangs around alot and she doesn't have a boyfriend. My boyfriend doesn't want his new "girl" friends to get scared away by the fact that he has a girlfriend tho..which makes me feel more paranoid.

Can SOMEONE decode that please? Why is he making mean comments all the time and then saying he doesnt mean them? Why is he convinced that I'm going to leave him even though I've given him no reason or indication whatsoever? And finally...could it be he wants out of the relationship and is using these methods to try and make me dump him so that he doesn't look like the bad guy again after dumping me and leaving me for someone else in the past?

View related questions: a break, broke up, has a girlfriend, I love you, lost my virginity, puts me down

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010):

My boyfriend does this too. He is a local celebrity who is drop dead gorgeous. We have known each other 20 years as we are in the same business. This is our second time around in a relationship and we have been back together for 2 years after a 14 years stretch where I went on the road with a show group and he went and got clean and sober. He is now a BIG personality in AA. He gives leads, sponsers people and has the charisma of a god. Women are everywhere all the time. He has 5000 friends on facebook. The greatest thing about him is he is SO romantic. He leaves me loves notes EVERY DAY. I have an office with one wall entirely covered with every love note for the past 730 days. He has bought me roses more times than I can count. He is the greatest most passionate lover I have ever known. We live together in a quaint little town with with a cute house in the woods. He is a man who takes care of everything. The house is spotless. The kitchen is organized alphabetically. His closet is worthy of any issue of House and Garden. He brings me coffee in the morning, texts me kisses all day. But..dirty little secret. He abuses me. :( ... I cry everyday. He hurts my feelings everyday. He puts down my friends. Calls them fat, ugly, stupid, unworthy of me ( what he means is.. unworthy of his presence) He broke my arm in February. He grabbed me by both arms, spun me around and body slammed me to the floor so hard, with all his might.. He is a muscular guy in very good shape. I had to lie about my arm at work. To this day everybody thinks I slipped on ice in my driveway. He rapes me every night. Every night. for hours. and hours. I am not allowed on Facebook. If I get caught with it open on my computer it's trouble for me. If I stay off it for a month or two, he will get angry " WHAT THE FUCK IS UP ?? It looks bad that you are not communicating with your friends !! It looks suspicous ! " and if I remind him that he gets mad when I'm on it he BLOWS UP ! He will get 2 inches from my face and call me a victim mother fuckin slut cunt. Hit me and push me around. My life has been hell since we've been back together. I used to be pretty with nice clothes. Now I live in sweats and bed head. No make up. I hate my life. He is angry all the time. But the world thinks he is the greatest thing. If they only knew. I have no self esteem anymore. When I cry because of something he did ( which is everyday ) he tells me to get to a doctor for depression. Go on meds. Dope myself up and sleep all day. Live in my own miserable world. Tells me to go out and get a life. I have one. A big one. I have a big life already. I anticipate his arrival home everyday with anxiety. What will happen today ? Is he in a good mood or a bod mood ? Will I cry tonight or laugh ? Will we eat tonight or go hungry. He controls EVERYTHING. He is great at delegating responsibility. He makes great money without having to anything because he is so charming that he has everybody doing everything for him. I am so jealous. Of his freedom. A life not dominated. He gets to make his own decisions. How lucky is that ? Wow.. He gets to do what ever he wants anytime. He lives on Facebook. It is eternally up and on. He " has to be on it for networking and advertising ".. I see the posts from the women has has friended..all the happy birthdays to people..all their praise for how great he is.. all his charming powerful mantras that have the world in awe of his wisdom..

.. and here I am. Unconnected. Almost no friends now. Oh if people ever knew. Knew the REAL "X" !! omg they would totally shit. Someday I will get tired of being X's girl. Who he parades around with on his arm. On those days, I better look great ! Because if I dont he will do it for me. Pick out my clothes, do my hair. I know women wonder what it's like being Mrs. X. I see them looking back at me. I envy them.

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A female reader, jafran United States +, writes (19 November 2009):

My boyfriend does this too. I know how you feel. We even have a similar situation where we broke up for almost two years while he recovered from his drug adiction. He even attracts girls like flies just like your boyfriend.

I think my boyfriend and I have finally figured out what's going on here. I know he doesn't like me to feel bad. I KNOW he loves me more than anything. However, he feels like I'm going to leave him and he (on purpose or not) feels like he needs to push me farther and farther away to avoid being hurt if that happens.

It hurts my feelings that he thinks that because I'm really not going anywhere. I'm sure you feel that too and there's nothing you can do to convince him that you aren't leaving. He either trusts you or he doesn't.

You have to talk to your boyfriend about this. He has to understand that if he is serious about this relationship, he has to run the risk of getting hurt. You have to be close. He has to be all there. He has to bear his heart to fully enjoy the relationship, even though that might mean he'll get hurt. If he keeps pushing you away and putting you down, you ARE eventually going to get tired of it. Not get tired of him, but get tired of the BEHAVIOR. But either way, you can't subject yourself to this forever. Either he understands soon that him opening up and being fully there with you will be beneficial or he doesn't and keeps hurting your relationship until it breaks.

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A female reader, Butterflyfly United Kingdom +, writes (17 November 2008):

Butterflyfly agony auntWhen he talks down on you try this: calmly tell him you are not going to listen to the abuse. he knows you are not going to leave and these strops are childish. tell him to talk to you when he feels calmer. keep your cool and dont get down to his level lost in explanations trying to convince him. he is just having a fit, he is not rational. just rise above it and dont get involved. calmly state that when he feels calmer, to talk to you, right now you are going to turn your face away from him. dont threaten or get upset. be as calm as you can. see where it takes you. Would be good to hear from you. All the best.xx

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A female reader, lola16182 Canada +, writes (23 September 2008):

lola16182 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I know sometimes I think about me deserving better...but then I sit and think aside from the verbal put-downs, and his constant fear of me leaving him...everything would be perfect.

I just wish that I knew what was causing this? Does anyone know of an event or something that would cause a guy to suddenly start putting me down and at the same time fearing that I don't love him and am going to leave him too? They just seem so opposite. He says he loves me so much and doesnt want to lose me and is afraid of me leaving, but then the next day he will be saying "oh you dont need that McDonalds you'll get pudgier" type thing.

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A female reader, Sparkly82 United Kingdom +, writes (22 September 2008):

The fact that your boyfriend puts you down is not acceptable.

I think he has his own insecurities, which is why he is putting you down and calling you names. It also explains why he thinks you are going to leave him.

The whole situation with the new girls swooning over him seems as if he is doing it to wind you up and make you jealous.

I really do think you deserve better. I've been here myself and trust me, you can do alot better.

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