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Just be grateful and appreciate his friendship?

Tagged as: Friends, Teenage<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (6 September 2022) 2 Answers - (Newest, 9 September 2022)
A male United States age 13-15, anonymous writes:

I am looking for like an outsider honest take on something about my relationship with another guy. It has some definite homo vibes and I am straight, but maybe I am way misinterpreting and maybe being homophobic by being paranoid about something that is not really gay and just a guy treating me really well and being super physical as a buddy. I truly love this dude and hope it is not a deal he is into me for a sexual reason and is not a genuine friend.

My name is Shawn and I am 14yo straight male just started 9th grade. As freshmen students we are each signed a mentor who is in the senior class. My mentor is a very popular guy named Jason. He is 17yo and like a star athlete and the center for our varsity basketball team. I am on our freshman basketball team and I play center also. I would say I am slightly above average in my basketball skills but I am working on it. He is truly phenomenal as a player. He is like a basketball machine. We have a lot of things in common besides basketball. He says he was shy and used to have a stutter like I do when he started high school. We both have only sisters and always wished we had a brother. He also has a messed up situation with parents. So we get to talk to each other about how we feel about that stuff.

Another cool thing is I want to get more muscular and he wants to be a fitness trainer someday so now he is my unofficial weights trainer. He says I am his ginny pig on being a trainer. I am drinking this amazingly gross protein thing he makes which he drinks and says will gain me mass and he looks ripped in a healthy way so I drink it up whenever he makes it. My muscles were so sore the first week he pushed me to the max. I thought I was hit by a bus. He really seems to know what he is doing cause now I have tons of energy and I am seeing changes in my arms, chest, and legs. He is measuring me and it is cool seeing real progress on his chart in less than 1 month. I feel more like a real athlete and he gives me lots of positive feedback. He also never gets tired of doing basketball drills with me til I drop.

He makes me feel like his little bro and even calls me “bro” a lot and I started doing it too. I kind of get choked up inside he is so nice to me and he never even knew me before 1 month ago. Sometimes he makes dinner for me and I just eat with him instead of going home. It is a good thing for me because I am mostly home alone a lot of the time (long story). I have even done lots of sleepovers. He has blown stuff off with his friends if I cannot be included and sometimes he takes me to stuff with other seniors when I can be included. He sticks up for me if the others give me a hard time.

All that is so positive I feel like a traitor to even ask about something being negative. The weird vibe stuff that makes me wonder is how aggressively touchy feely he is. It is like there is no such thing as personal space. He hugs on me constantly, shoves me around like a joke, kisses my cheek or the top of my head when he is doing this side hug thing, pats my back, squeezes on my arms or shoulders from behind, swats my butt, messes up my hair, crashes into me pretending it is an accident, trips me up and pounces on me, tickles the crap out of me constantly, does like a light cheek slap, or sits and lays on of me and I am like trying to get out from under him. When I pinned he also messes with my face and makes a voice like I am talking while he smooshes my mouth around. He swats my butt every time I make a basket or do something good athletically, sometimes really hard. I said something about it laughing and he said “pussy says what”? So I started doing it to him and now it is like a game how hard we can swat each other after a shot. We try not to act like it hurts but sometime you just have to say the F word and he laughs so hard when I react. If I am not paying attention he also randomly punches me in the arm or stomach like rapid fire as many in a row before I can protect myself. It is pretty damn hard sometimes but not so hard I can’t take it especially if I see it coming and flex but it is like I am always having to be on guard and sometimes he surprises me completely and I double over and then he is like aww buddy are you okay and helps me up like he is worried he broke me. He just says tag when he does it, so finally I said when do I get to tag back and he just stands still and says take your best shot but he is like freaking steel and nothing I do seems to faze him no matter how hard I punch on his body. He keeps trying to get me to do boxing with him with boxing gloves but so far I have like said no way cause he would massacre me. If I am taking a shower at his house he always hides my towel and turns off the hot water (every time). It is a little sexual because I have to stand there dripping wet naked freezing covering myself with my hands and beg for the towel. Sometimes he does these calisthenic challenges and I have to do so many pushups or pullups and it is a ridiculous number I cannot do and he when I fail he tickle attacks me. On the sleepovers the tickling is off and on all night. He really really seems to like that and only stops so I can catch my breath. He says tickle torture is good cardio and burns calories. He said he is making up for not having a little bro to torture his whole life. None of it is like mean I hate you torture but like a game to see how much I can handle. He is like positive after it is over like I am proud of you bro you survived the test. We are both laughing the whole time and for whatever reason I feel like it is a weird kind of affection you know. Can hazing be affection?

If nothing changed about our situation, as strange as it sounds I would be okay with all of it even though it feels a little bit homo or twisted. It is not like he has tried to get me to do something sexual. He even seems to be sort of homophobic in his comments. In fact, he told me he would kick my ass if I tried to masturbate in his room during a sleepover (which I would not do). On sleep overs I sleep on the floor so there is no same bed situation. He hardly ever wears a shirt at his house so I copy him on that to fit in. The only time we are ever totally naked together though is skinny dipping in their hot tub. When I started to wear shorts he just mumbled “what a pussy” and so I just stripped all the way. If anything in the hot tub though he keeps his distance and actually gives me extra personal space. He has never tried to touch my privates. One time he accidentally kneed me in the nuts several times in row while tickling me and I was squirming and he could not understand what was happening because I could not talk normal and he seemed like he was really sorry and gave me a long break and made me a snack. So maybe he is just hyper aggressive and physical and that is how he bonds. I have seen him be that way with his regular friends including the hugs and punching and shoving each other around.

He has dated lots of girls, has a bad rep as being too quick to try stuff (which he admits), so he does not have a GF. But I don’t have a GF either. He is popular enough that he has no trouble getting dates. He talks a lot about girls and seems just as into girls bodies as I am. We even like some of the same girls at our school at least far as being attracted.

He has a lot of boners when we hang out but I get them too especially when I am lifting weights and he is like giving me feedback on my baby muscles (that is what he calls them). I don’t think having random boners proves anything though.

So the thing I wonder about is if this is really just a true straight dude bromance or whatever or is there like a secret homo agenda here staring me in the face and I am not realizing it. I do not want to believe he is into me for that reason. If he is gay, I would still want him to be my mentor, trainer, friend, and unofficial big bro, but I would be sad about it like maybe he did not like me for me as a friend. But if he is gay, why me? I am like decently cute for my age but there are lot of dudes his age way hotter and buffer and stuff he could hook up with. If he told me he was secretly gay, I would say I honestly do not care dude. Jason has not tried anything so even if he is into dudes he has not tried to make our friendship about that. So should I even care either way? Maybe I should just be grateful and appreciate his friendship and quit trying to ruin things by asking paranoid questions. No matter what, thanks for letting me know your honest opinions about me and Jason and if I should do anything or just STFU.

View related questions: muscle, player, shy

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2022):

Oh, and by the way; hazing IS NOT PERMISSABLE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!

People get seriously injured, crippled, or killed; because of stupid "jock" or "frat boy" behavior.

Letting people make you see stars, or putting bruises all over your body, doesn't make you a tough-guy. Sometimes it's just a stupid-guy who doesn't know when to chill!

You have to remind some guys when to tone-it-down, or cut it out!!! Mean it when you say it; and stop letting the word "pussy" make you submit to physical-abuse!!!

Sometimes that's how people getaway with stuff they know they shouldn't be doing; they'll question your manhood, like being submissive to pain and abuse makes you a man. Nothing is further from the truth!!! Being a man, is when you let other guys know when they've gone too far! When he calls you names, tell him to stop doing that; it's okay sometimes, but sometimes he does it too much, and you don't like it!

Friends have to be taught your boundaries; sometimes they have to know where you draw the line. That's being a man. When you're strong enough to stand-up for yourself, even if you're accused of being a "pussy!"

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2022):

Most of what you've described seems like typical "jock" stuff; or how a guy would treat a little brother. As for anything you've referred to as "homo;" I'd say close, but inconclusive. I'm not exactly hip about too much rough-play; and it's not funny when someone actually hurts you. Your nuts are off-limits! I think he's getting a bit carried-away, and you have to set some boundaries.

First-off, stop dismissing it when he hurts you!!! If you hurt him, I bet he'd put your lights out!

Let him know when it was too painful, and you didn't appreciate it. Not because you're a "pussy;" but because he's bigger, stronger, and older than you! You're not his match, and you're not a punching bag. He gets too full of adrenalin, and gets overhyped; you have to remind him you're still just a kid. You are not being offensive to tell a guy to stop touching you so much; or to tone-it-down on the physical stuff. He's doing what he'd probably do if you were his younger-brother; but even if you were, there are still some physical boundaries, it shouldn't always be painful when you're around him. I have older-brothers, and they called it toughening me up; but they always went too far. I finally made it known, enough is enough! They complied. Even a wrestler knows when to tap-out!

You can ask him straight-up, if there is anything he'd like to confess? Sometimes you wonder, but you just want to be sure everything is always cool.

Whenever you have this kind of question on your mind, you have every right to ask. You are under-aged, and you don't exactly know when things are not quite "right!" You're a smart kid, and you should always listen to your gut. If anything happens that you don't feel right about; you have to let him know how you feel about it. He loves you as a friend; but some boundaries need to be set about hitting and touching.

Less showering at his house, or staying overnight is advised.

In all honesty, I've never been to a sports event and didn't see guys slapping each-other on the rump throughout the game. Be it soccer, football, basketball, or baseball. That comes with sports. He has never tried anything sexual; just some stuff you don't feel comfortable with. Just tell him so when he does it. If you won't do it, he shouldn't either.

If you're straightforward and honest, and informed him of what you don't feel right about, a true-friend will honor your boundaries. If he doesn't respect you as a man, let him know you can't continue the friendship; and you don't want to be called a "pussy" every time he does something you don't like!!! He means it playfully, but let him know when he uses the word too often; because if that's what he thinks you are, you don't feel like being friends anymore...and you shouldn't. Even if you don't care if he might be gay! Playful name-calling is okay, but when he dismisses something you've told him that you don't like that he does, it's no longer being playful.

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