A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My question concerns pornography.Context: My boyfriend and I are 23 years old and have been together for almost 2 years. I love having sex and virtually never turn him down. Really, I'm the one that gets turned down the most. We currently have sex 3-5 times a week, a healthy amount. I take care of myself, and I know I'm attractive. People tell me all the time that I'm beautiful. Story:For the first year and half of our relationship I never had a problem with porn. One time, I was using his laptop and he accidently left his porn up and I wasn't bothered at all. I even playfully teased him about it. We weren't living together at the time, and I viewed porn as something he used to get off quickly when I wasn't around. I even used it sometimes.Then, we moved in together. One night, about a month after he moved in, he turned me down for sex. I had done my hair and nails, and crawled all over him, naked. I felt rejected, but I understood that sometimes people aren't in the mood. I went to bed, but I wasn't able to sleep. I went back into the kitchen for some melatonin, and when I passed through the living room he shut his laptop quickly, looking antsy. I asked him what he had been doing and he admitted to looking at porn. I was very hurt, feeling as if he had chosen porn over me. From this point on, everything changed.I told him I was no longer comfortable with porn, and he offered to stop. I told him I would stop too. I haven't looked at porn since. I was very happy, feeling that our relationship's intimacy would deepen and that it would become more sacred. A month or so later though I found out he was looking at it again. I didn't snoop, never have. It was another one of those accidental discoveries like before. He admitted that it was a compulsion and that he did it mostly on the weekends when I was at work. Sometimes he would spend an entire day, on and off, looking at it. He looked mainly at pictures of naked girls, and would save the images in a folder.Now, he had lied to me, and I was even more hurt. He said he would stop again, and I told him he should if he really wanted to. I didn't want to be deceived anymore or feel as if I was controlling him. He said himself that he was bothered at how compulsive the behavior had become. So, we tried again. I told him to tell me if he looked at anything, and that I wouldn't be mad. I wanted honesty. It's now a few months later, and he's started again. I don't know how long it has been going on. One night after we had gone to bed, he left the bedroom, probably thinking that I had fallen asleep. I figured he needed to use the bathroom, and thought nothing of it. Then, after a while, and he was still gone, I went to see what he was doing. He was in the office, in the dark and on his laptop. When I saw him, I just knew. I didn't say anything and went back to bed. He came in a minute later, and I asked what he had been doing. He said that he was looking at stuff on the internet, that he couldn't sleep. He said this so strangely though, pausing with his words, and I felt like he was lying.The next day I asked him again what he had been doing and he admitted that he had been looking at naked pictures of girls again. He said it was the first time, but as we talked more, he admitted that it was the second time. I was really upset now, because this meant that he had lied to my face. Also, I had told him when all this began that it hurt much more with him doing it in the next room, while I slept. So, I basically gave up. I told him he could do what he wants, and that I wouldn't limit him anymore. I said I just didn't want to be deceived again. He agreed to all this, and apologized for everything. It's been two weeks since all of this, and I feel drained. I don't trust him anymore. What else could he lie to me about? I can't imagine lying to him. The whole time we had this agreement, I honored it, even after the times he turned me down for sex.Then, I think about everything I do, from the frequent blow jobs to the cooking and cleaning. I'm so kind to him. And now, he's going to look at porn, at other women whenever he wants. I feel like it's not fair to have me, and then look at other women naked, getting off on their bodies when he could have mine. Now, if I want sex, and he turns me down I won't know if it's because he's already looked at porn or is planning on looking at it later. All the trust is gone. I don't deserve this. Yet, in many ways, he is still a nice guy.So, I guess my question here is this: Is this an issue of incompatibility? Should I stay with him? Has anyone else gone through this? I know a lot of guys out there look at porn, I just figured it was something they did when they were single or with women that didn't want sex very much. In my relationship I thought of it as a poor substitute for myself, but never something he would like to do instead of me. Am I wrong to think this way?I know this is incredibly long, I'm sorry.
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at work, blow-job, in the mood, moved in, nude pictures, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Mami26 +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Girl.I read this and see my story.We need to get in touch with each other send me a message!I know how u feel though.its almost like we are not good enough for them!I will never understand!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding to this. Part of the problem with porn is that it is so widespread, and there's this sense of "looking silly and foolish" to have a problem with it. I was afraid I would get a lot of responses telling me I was insecure. I'm very relieved by your answers, and I know I need to talk to him again. Thank you so much.
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A
female
reader, smiliek  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 This is something i will never accept from my hubby. If i'm home, he doesnt look at porn. Ever. He looks at it once or twice a wk when im at work, but for half hour max. We made an agreement to ensure he'd never choose porn over me (he never had previous but reading posts like these worried me) Now, in your situation.. Since he can look at porn, so can you. The toy idea isn't a bad one.. But unsure if it'll work. If he is addicted there's nothing you can do. But try a compromise. Tell him you find it disrespectful and mean that he looks at porn when you're home, and when he turns you down over it. He can look when you aren't home. If he cant even do that, well frankly i would leave him. I will not accept pictures or videos of other women getting chosen over me.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 If porn is a substitute for sex, then are cooking shows a substitute for eating?
No that is silly isn't it? Porn is not a substitute for sex.
Your type of post is all to common on this forum.
Girl offers sex and other benefits (blowjobs, cleaning, cooking) freely and then gets rejected. So what is going on?
I take it that you two dated before, and he pursued you, trying for lots of sex... OR was he trying lots, for some sex? Is there a mis match between perceived sex-drive and real sex-drive? Some animals hunt constantly but eat very little because success rate if very low. That is why they hunt a lot. Is he simply not in the mood for as much sex as you are?
And could the hunt for sex have increased his appetite for it and now that it is readily available it has lost part of its appeal. You do so much for him. Yes, without being asked. So has he earned it?
I got a cat, if I throw it pieces of dried food it will run all over the room, catch it in mid-air and devour each piece as if it is a caviar-stuffed mouse. While its food bowl is full. Is the hard-won food more tasty perhaps?
But don't men like it when a girl is willing or even horny. Shouldn't women take the initiative as well? Sure. It is great BUT in moderation. Women after all don't like it either if men are to attentive, to smothering.
But is it all your fault? No, that is to simple. It could indeed be a simple sign that you are not compatible. One of things about porn is that you can easily "win" more girls, just turn the page. Is he perhaps not ready to settle down? That would explain a lot about his behavior and might increase the feeling that you are smothering him.
He just doesn't seem to be into you as much as you are into him. At least not anymore. It can be very hard for a couple to live up to each others expectations. After all, another variant of this is the woman complaining that he doesn't romance her anymore, or the man complaining blowjobs dried up after marriage.
A relationship goes through stages and at each stage it might turn out partners expect different things.
Part of it all might be that he just doesn't know what he wants yet. After all, he is getting it all now easy and so far his bad behavior (you are right in being upset about this all) hasn't had any consequences. You still come on to him with offers of sex.
Force him to make a choice, but remember that you can't force someone to love you or to truly commit to a relationship. Personally, I would just leave. Just turn your story around, how long would HE stay if you turned him down, for a copy of playgirl?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): Porn is less about sex and more about abnormal psychology and sexual dysfunction than anything else. At face value it makes absolutely no sense at all... why? Because it is abnormal behavior.
Why would a man choose to have sex with himself over having sex with an actual person? Why would a man choose to make his paramour a 2d image? The root of the answer to these questions lies in their psychology... who they were when they started using porn... and the 'high' (like crystal meth) their brains have become groomed to. The lights, quick change photos, combined with stimulation actually redirect the neural pathways.
In other words, the extreme pleasure centers of the brain now process PORN as sex.... as it produces a more intense sexual high than real live sex. Sex with a live person becomes a let down compared to the high they can derive through porn. Sex becomes almost incapable of ever creating the same high. That is why porn addictions lead to all sorts of other illicit sexual behaviors. They are trying to find the excitement in physical connection that porn has eroded. Soon, the porn addict will require the functional equivalent of a three ring circus just to feel sexual excitement... and that will never ever... even be enough to match the 'high' of porn to the addict.
The roots... what makes some become addicts versus casual users... lies in them. What they are susceptible to in their brain's firing... what their emotional and psychological fears are, etc... all play a role in setting the stage for the creation of a porn addict. The high is felt as greater than a cocaine addiction to a coke freak.
The subject matter of porn is sexual in nature... combine that with retraining the brain to the high associated with that sexual context... and now you have a man whose brain cannot recreate the same sexual high in real life. Now, real sex is boring and uninteresting... sex alone with the imagery becomes the rush beyond all rushes.
And, because we are now delving into abnormal psychology and brain damage (yes, brain damage) you have a man who is now screwed up. He is dysfunctional. He is condemned to loneliness. On one hand desperately needing love... on the other needing his fix and not being able to respond to a woman the way he can an image.
What is the psychological profile of a man who becomes an addict? There are all sorts of studies out there... fear of intimacy... abuse... etc... Basically fear of inadequacy on every level.... and they mask it by having sex with themselves... after all... they and the fake person on the screen will never let them down.
Clearly... you can discern that I've had my experiences with a male and porn addiction. How did I handle it? It became a deal breaker. Unlike yourself, I made it very clear that I wouldn't tolerate porn of any kind right from the outset. So, when he became an addict... clearly this presented a problem.
I gave him a choice and the porn use ended. It took me holding his lying feet to the fire. However, my lover... the man I knew sexually... before this porn fiasco has never returned. Sad, but true. I married him for the relationship we had... and now I settle for what it has become. Yes, there are times when I am resentful over the fact that his personal sexual gluttony has condemned both of us to a pseudo asexual existence... when, if he had been truly faithful in his mind, body, and spirit... we could have had the most fulfilling intimate life with one another. Now, I have a dysfunctional man who is afraid of himself sexually.
Porn sucks.
I learned of my husband's situation 12 years into our marriage... although it explained quite a lot of things along the way. Our sex life was non existent... after being so intense... the attraction to one another was mind blowing. Now, we are roommates. Also sad. I can tell you this... If I learned what you are learning while I was dating/living with him... I would have left the relationship. Your boyfriend and you.... may have been compatible at one point... however that has changed.... because he changed. I wouldn't wish this existence of loneliness on any woman. I have a husband in all ways... but I do not have a sexual mate.... and haven't for a very, very, long time.
I make up all sorts of excuses on how I can live without this or that... sexual expression... learn to live with the loneliness... living without a lover... in exchange for my husband and our life together. It is like living with food and water but not enough oxygen. There's just enough to breath in and out... but never enough to feel good.
I am a knockout... I could find a lover in a nanosecond... but that's not me. I'm basically not a slut and never have been. However I always wonder what might happen if the right man comes along with the right chemistry and the right words... I wonder if the emptiness would become truly unbearable. I do know that this becomes a life sentence for the partner of an addict. The intensity of the lovemaking is not and never will be the same... as it once was.
Do not condemn yourself to this sort of an existence if you don't have to. Love yourself enough to find a mate with whom you may live a truly fulfilling life with.
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A
male
reader, mr trd +, writes (27 November 2010):
i have the problem of compulsively looking at porn. the whole thing with me is that my partner has some very attractive friends, one of them who is mutaully in love with me. looking at porn helps me to stopper my desire for her friend. as my partner does not put out much.
anyway im rambling. seeing as you seem to put out alot. buy a decent vibrator, preferably bigger than his penis, then after a few times of looking at porn, when he comes on to you, pull your toy out of the draw, and go into the next room. then give him the ultimatum of, i won't stop ths until you stop the porn. if he chooses you over the porn then you know he loves you. if otherwise, he just stays around for the services.
just remember, before christianity, monogamy was basically unheard of, so we males instinctively browse the other women. it takes alot to keep us interested. he may be browsing porn to avoid breaking your heart and going out after the real thing. you need to sit him down and talk about all this
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2010): My heart goes out to you. Your story could have been written by me! I'm also in the same situation and I've cried over this countless times...
I keep asking exactly the same questions as you and I just don't know what to think anymore. All i can say is that you're not the only one. I don't know if that's any consolation but...You have my sympathies girl!
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (27 November 2010):
 A lot of women have had to go through this. It is always the same.
When a man begins lying to someone he loves about this, it becomes a problem and it starts gnawing at everything around them. He has to face facts. If he cannot go a week without doing it, he might just be addicted to it. Even if this is the case though, he may not admit to it because he likes doing it. The whole issue with pornography revolves around doubt and trust. In essence, it is about lying and being completely oblivious to how torn you are becoming. It happens to a lot of women. I always advise that if he is this inconsiderate, if he is this careless, I suggest you let him know that you cannot continue a relationship like this. It just is not healthy.
You are right. You do deserve better than this. He needs to know that. He needs to realize that his actions have dire consequences so it he must choose. He has to decide whether he wants to be with you in mind and body, or have his porn to look at everyday freely.
Talk to him about this. If he disagrees to it, I suggest you leave him. If he agrees but fails to do it or admit to an addiction, I suggest you leave him.
I hope that helps.
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