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Is it really just a ring and a piece of paper?

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Question - (8 December 2008) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 December 2008)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, *achel86 writes:

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months, and we adore eachother completely. He tells me he loves me everyday and I do him, and we talk about our future together and growing old and wrinkly together - he even told me I'm The One.

However, he does not believe in marriage. His parents divorced at a young age, and his friend suffered a hard and costly divorce a few years ago, so he says he feels it is pointless. He argues that it's just a peice of paper and a rather expensive day.

I'm Catholic. Not devote, but I am. I also do not want a different surname to my children, or to be a 'spinster' for the rest of my life.

But most of all I want that extra level of commitment, to tell everyone we've met or will meet that we will to be together forever, and become 'Mrs'.

He doesn't see this as a big of an issue as I do. I don't want to loose him, I breathe him.

What do I do? Change my views? Hope he changes his? Or end it?

Any advice is greatly welcomed. Thank you for reading x

View related questions: divorce

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A female reader, Rachel86 United Kingdom +, writes (8 December 2008):

Rachel86 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all your advice guys.

I guess I should just be patient, his commitment to us and to me is apparent, so I guess after a few of our friends marry and he see's its not all bad...!!

I do think it's something that we should discuss more. We're moving in together when I return home (am currently at my final year of university) so I'm going to enjoy that and all the excitement that brings... and then talk about marriage.

Guess I just needed some reassurance (sp) that there is a chance he could change / there is some middle ground.

Thank you all again xx

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A female reader, Butterflyfly United Kingdom +, writes (8 December 2008):

Butterflyfly agony auntMarriage can mean pressure, especially if one of you is in thwo minds about it. There are other ways of having him semonstrate his commitment and reliability , for example putting your names together when buying pricey stuff, etc. I;m sure you want to marry him for the right reasons, he just does not see it that way? Maybe you shuld start a sublte campain of gainign his abslute trust, sell yourself a bit, and have him realise what he loses if he isn not willing, at some point int he future, to meet you half way.. No pushy blackmail, just , you know, make him understand you want this for all the RIGHT reasons.. Take it easy

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A female reader, larusso United States +, writes (8 December 2008):

Ok I have been dating this guy for 1,5 years. He always told me he wanted to be with me forever. He thought I was the one. And he asked me to marry him. We're both students so don't have money. But he talked about how we could go about doing it and etc. So one day I said "You know we talk about this all the time and I'm graduating in 2 months and being an international student I have to move away. Are you sure you want to do this? I'll give you time to think on your own. We'll see each other in this meantime but won't spend all day together. You can talk to your friends, family and make up your mind and tell me." He cried his eyes out when I said this. Well, it was 2 days after he never called me or answered back to me. Finally I got him to talk to me and he said he realized he wasn't in love with me. Let alone getting married he didn't even want me anymore. So I don't want to push you into anything. Your boyfriend had bad experiences with it. But just talk to him. Tell him that you want it and it's your dream like every girl's. I don't say break it off with him but put it in his mind that it will make you really really happy. I hope it will turn out better for you.

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A female reader, missyrenee United States +, writes (8 December 2008):

Stick to who you are and what you believe. He is young and it is going to take him more time to make that committment..perhaps years. If you love "breathe" him...you'll be patient.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008):

Hmm. Well I don't think you need to worry about it yet. But you should know that my father didn't believe in marriage either. He decided he wasn't getting married ever and he ended up marrying my mother soon after. It is possible he will change his views, but maybe you just haven't made it clear enough that you DO want to get married. If you talk to him maybe he will really understand that it's important to you. You're right about the extra level of commitment, and I understand why you want it. He seems to want it to, but due to his past he is afraid of divorce. I would just let him know how important it is to you, he should understand if he really thinks that you are The One.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2008):

He's right it is only a piece of paper.If you love each other so much you don't need some fake over rated ceremony and legal documents that may eventually screw both of you over.Forget marriage and give this arrangement a try.

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