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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend now for over 5 years. We are very settled and live together and have pets. We get along well enough - the spark is definely gone and we constantly have little fights, but overall we're pretty good together. My problem is that I am very attracted to another person (a friend) and have been for years. I told the person I am attracted to how I felt a few years ago and he said he was interested in me too but because I had a boyfriend and other circumstances at the time he didn't want to get involved. Every time we see each other there is always this spark and we spend the entire night with each other flirting. Then recently we saw each other again and wound up fooling around. We've talked since but haven't brought it up whether it was just a one time thing or whether he would want to follow up on it. I'd be interested in following up - but wouldn't break up with my boyfriend in order to pursue this guy (too scared to lose a good thing). So I guess my first question is should I bring this up to the guy again? The second one is I have something pretty good right now - should I risk it for what might or might not be there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): I love your answer Dreamingbee22. I am in the same situation, but i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 7 months. I think that it would be foolish to leave your boyfriend for someone you hardly know, which means you dont know their temperaments. They could have a nasty temper or be horrible in bed, and etc.
I think you should definitely try to work things out with your boyfriend. The only issue with my relationship is that my boyfriend is scared of marriage, so that's whats causing me to wonder if we're meant to be.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2005): The question is why you are interested in that guy and what particular made you draw your attention to that guy? I guess most people don't like to share everything with everyone even they are very close to each other specially men.
My advice would be speak with your boyfriend when you think it is a good time to speak and try to make him understand how you feel. It must happen in a suitable time. The best time is i think when you both have dinner and you both are enjoying the meal. Avoid bringing this issue up when you are nervous or you feel that your boyfriend is not in a good mood.
Bear in mind that when you are nervous you will never feel confident and if you aren't confident you will find it hard to say what you are going to say, instead you cause an argument eventually.
Good luck,
Shain
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2005): I am also in this situation and have talked to both parties involved. I have decided to be on my own for a while to sort things out. Its painful but it isn't fair to cause your boyfriend pain, especially when they are good, decent people. I suggest building your own sense of self, and not rushing into anything,
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2005): All i can say is your b/f deserves some HONESTY!! if something is missing from your relationship, and you think it is worth fighting for, talk to your b/f about possible improvements. afterall, he could also be feeling that the relationship has become jaded, and the improvememnts could be fantastic!
the one thing that you should absolutely NOT do is embark upon an affair. the hurt, anger and repurcussions of this would be far worse when the affair is discovered, (and believe me it will be), than if you had just been open in the first place. affairs are messy, and potentially destroy the three people involved, and don't forget YOU would be one of them!!
stop being so SELFISH. if you believe that your relationship has run its course, tell your b/f. DO NOT get further involved with the other guy until you are sure your relationship is over. you will need to discover who you are as a person b4 you can truely commit yourself to someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2005): I'd like to be able to tell you what to do, but I can't. Only you know in your heart what you should do. Perhaps it would be best for you to ask yourself a few questions. What is missing from your relationship that you think this new guy can bring you? It is normal to feel an attraction to another person, especially fter being with someone for a few years. Love has many phases, attraction and desire are the first phase. It's a fun place to be in. Your body responds to this early phase almost with a drug-like quality. It's euphoric, exciting! Could you be trying to get that "feeling" with the new guy?
As time goes by, a relationships moves into deeper phases of love and commitment. It is within those phases that true intimacy can develop. During that time, the attraction that you initially felt can start to fade, but you start to grow closer to your partner, you develop trust and understanding, the relationship deepens, and you grow a richer, more satisfying love. So, love does change, and it changes for the better and enriches one's life. But it is during this time that many people find themselves attracted to another. But..just because you feel an attraction, doesn't mean that you must act upon it! (which it seems, you have) You have to ask yourself what you would be losing if you did leave your BF? And what you lose-will it be worth it? Imagine yourself without your current BF. If the idea of losing your BF makes you unhappy, then this is probably a relationship worth working on. Relationships take darn hard work. They don't just happen.
No matter how perfect you may be for each other, you have to work at your relationship to keep things fresh and new and satisfying. What you may be missing is the "romance" of a new relationship. Can you talk to your BF about that and how to bring that back into your relationship? Try going out on dates like you did when you first met. Go for walks together in the park and hold hands. Tell each other about your hopes and dreams for the future. Learn something new together. Take a class together or try a new sport. Some times its helpful to see your partner in a new circumstance to re-experience that initial passion.
If you thought about being without your partner and you felt a sense of freedom, Then you may want to ask yourself some tough questions. Is this relationship still what you want? Are you just staying because its safe to be in a relationship? Is this new guy better for you or can he meet your needs better? Is your relationship over and you are avoiding ending it out of fear of hurting your BF? What exactly is the problem with your relationship and can it be fixed? If you do feel that your relationship is not satisfying, you need time to think it through and decide if you want to end it.
If you do decide to end your relationship, remember to be kind to your BF. Its tough to break up with someone, but its often harder to be dumped. Don't try to hurt them to make them get over you sooner. Never assume you know how they feel or what's best for them. Find a time that's good for you both and calmly tell your BF how you feel and that you need to end your relationship. Don't offer excuses or too many reasons. Don't blame them. Decide to take some time apart to settle in to being single again, take time to get used to being broken up first. Don't start dating this new person immediately. Take some time to process through the end of your previous relationship, to grieve. Ending a relationship can be difficult and painful, but it can also allow you to grow as a person, experience new things and new people, and to become the person you are meant to be.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (4 August 2005):
 So, let's recap: you're attracted to, have flirted with and "fooled around" with someone else that you've been interested in for years...but you don't want to risk following up on that, in case you lose the endless bickering and unfulfilling relationship you're in now.
Have I got that right?
I think you need to think long and hard about your definition of a "good thing", and consider just how committed you are to your current boyfriend, if you don't regard your recent actions as a threat to that Good Thing.
As a neutral third party to this, it looks a lot to me like you feel settled with your boyfriend and your routines, but too lazy to break up with him, even though you're clearly ready to move on. Why not just be fair with him? If you're "constantly arguing" and the "spark is definitely gone", what's so good about where you are now? Why not level with your b/f and tell him that you don't feel the same way any more, then move on?
There are only two other choices: you can stay in a stale, loveless relationship until you die, or you can try to fix what's missing by working with your boyfriend on trying to get that spark back.
What's NOT all right to do is to sneak around behind your boyfriend's back with a friend-who-might-be-more, then hope to leap from where you are now to a hot new romance. That's call "cheating" and I doubt your b/f would accept that as OK.
You need to be honest with yourself about what you want, because you're trying to have your cake (stay with what you know) and eat it too (have a great, sparky new relationship). That doesn't wash, and you're headed for trouble if you try to pretend it will.
Decide on one course of action or the other. Either you love your boyfriend and you're going to try to build back up what brought you two together 5 years ago, or make a break and look for love elsewhere.
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A
female
reader, dreamingbee22 +, writes (4 August 2005):
DONT DO IT! I completely ruined a 5 year relationship I had, because I went to someone else. Yes, the spark was gone as well with us, but we were compatible, and comfortable and lived happily together. I ended up breaking off the relationship with him, because I felt more feelings for this new guy instead of my boyfriend of 5 yrs. I will always regret doing this. I ended up having a relationship with the new guy for 3 yrs, and it was the worst! He was horrible towards me, and treated me 10 times worse than any guy I have ever been with. I'm not superstitous, but I definately feel cursed with men now for doing this to the guy who truley loved me. I could have been married, with a family, by now, if I didn't make that stupid decision to leave my boyfriend for a guy I had a stupid crush on. Believe me, stay away from this guy for a while, so that you don't get sucked into your emotions. Find a way to re-ignite that spark with your boyfriend, and those feelings for the other guy will go away. If you have been with your boyfriend for 5 yrs and are happy with him, then there is something definately right between you guys. Don't ruin it with a crush that will dissipate. Every one goes through this, just wait it out, and stay faithful to the man in your life who obviously loves you more than a guy you have been fooling around with, and I'm guessing, have not known as long as your boyfriend.
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