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I'm crushing on my friend's older brother.

Tagged as: Family, Friends, Teenage, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 May 2014) 1 Answers - (Newest, 31 May 2014)
A female United States age 26-29, *ighheeledfeminist writes:

I met an incredible guy about three and a half months ago through my university’s social dance club. The awkward part is when I say met, I mean I had met him briefly before but never spoken to him…I had seen him around because he is my friend’s older brother. (I am going to be a sophomore, as is my friend, and her brother is going into his senior year.) I am unsure if he is interested in me, and therefore also really torn about if, how, and when I should speak with my friend about my interest in her brother.

The first time I thought he might like me was at dance club. (He had shown up a few times before, but not consistently. He came to almost every event after this night, which I want to think may have something to do with me being there, but I’m getting ahead of myself.) After the initial half-hour lesson, when free dancing started, he approached me and asked me to dance, then proceeded to dance with me for the entire evening. Even if he stepped aside to rest or went to get water, he never left my side. Later that night he walked me back to my dorm, and came inside to chat with me for another five minutes or so before he went home. The next week once again he pretty much attached to me for the entire evening, and once winked at me when I was temporarily torn away by another partner, saying “Well I guess I’ll dance with you later!” which seemed a little flirty. Also, while there is obviously a lot of physical contact in dance, he seemed to be even more touchy than was necessary--for instance, he didn’t let go of my hand even if we stopped dancing for a few minutes, and would kind of lean in/bump my shoulder when we were talking if he made a joke. Later when a bunch of us were hanging out after dance, he was sitting very close to me, so that pretty much the entire right side of his body was pressed up against my left. All in all it seemed like he was sending very clear signals up until that point.

But the next two weeks, everything changed, and I do not know for sure whether it was because his sister showed up to dance those two weeks as well. I know I felt a little weird because I have not talked to her about my interest in her brother and perhaps he was feeling the same way, but whatever was happening he seemed to be trying really hard to keep his distance those two nights. Then for a few weeks he didn’t even show up, and I was beginning to think it had all been in my head. But the final week of the semester he came again, and his sister did not. I was not planning to go since I was busy and didn’t expect he would be there, but ended up deciding to go. To my surprise he WAS there, sitting on the side and not dancing, and when I came into the room he jumped up with a huge smile and came right over, seeming to be very happy to see me. We had a great time that night, he didn’t dance the ENTIRE night with me, but pretty close. When he said he needed to leave I left with him at the same time and he initiated a hug when we parted, all in all very friendly but he seemed less flirty than those initial couple events I described. I left school having no idea what to think and knowing I wouldn’t really have much contact with him for a while--I don’t really text much or anything like that, and so I don’t have his number/he doesn’t have mine.

But THEN…over Memorial Day weekend my friend invited me, as well as a lot of other people, to come stay at her cabin. Naturally her brother (as well as his twin sister and a few of her friends) was there as well. He stayed near me the entire weekend and did things that seemed to me to just be…Not things that a guy trying to send “friend’ vibes would do. He would playfully shove me if I teased him, sit/stand next to me a lot, invite me to join in just about everything he was doing and find ways to touch me (helping me climb up something, teaching me how to shoot a bow, etc.) Once when a group of us was standing watching the sunset he kind of leaned against me for like a full 10 minutes! And one night he and a few of my other good friends slept outside so we could stargaze and when he said he was tired and was going to sleep, he asked if everyone would scoot in closer because he was cold. Well he had also requested that he be in between another of my friends and me (note: his sister was never present for any of these little moments…important?) and when I moved (willingly, heh heh) in closer to him he moved towards me at the same time and we ended up pretty much entirely pressed against each other. He didn’t move, didn’t say anything, but very slightly let his forehead touch mine, and we went to sleep in that position. Well, he went to sleep. My heart was pounding too hard for me to sleep very much that night! When we parted he again gave me a hug but he was hugging EVERYONE and I should mention that in general he is slightly more touchy-feely than most guys (his whole family is just kinda like that) buuuut he went to me first, whatever that’s worth. And when I messaged him the next morning just to wish him a safe flight as he was leaving on a trip that morning and saying that I enjoyed the weekend and it was fun getting to see him, he replied saying that he was really glad I came and “couldn’t wait to see me” in the fall.

I haven’t heard from him since, but that’s not unusual, since as I said before we’ve never texted each other and only had like 2 facebook message conversations, both of which were very short (one is the one I just described). I feel like I’ve made it pretty clear that I’m interested but I don’t know what to think with this guy! It seems like all the signs are there but for some reason I’m unsure. Also, I would never want to actually get involved with him if my friend would be uncomfortable with it, so before it goes anywhere I need to talk to her. But I don’t want to talk to her if it ISN’T going anywhere and make a fuss about something that isn’t even a thing…

Help! I just don’t know what to do or think at all!

View related questions: crush, facebook, flirt, text, university

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2014):

I think you should suggest to his sister that you'd like to contact her brother. I think she already knows, and may have teased him about his crush. That's what some sisters do. He feels uncomfortable about seeing you around his sister. So you will have to be the one to break the ice; but you don't have to spill the beans. You have to first

establish if he's just being nice, or actually likes you.

Ask her how her brother has been doing. Tell her you miss him being around and think he's a nice guy. Compliment him in subtle ways. I think she already knows you like each other, and really doesn't care. Staying on neutral ground about it. Letting it happen naturally, so to speak. Send him your number by Facebook and suggest he call and text you anytime. If you feel uncomfortable about asking your friend, you can always talk to his twin. Twins are usually very close and keep each others secrets.

You've got to make the move.

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