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anonymous
writes: I have not seen my boyfriend for 3 days now because he has been in pubs instead of with me.He was in a long relationship before, and when they finished he turned to the pub.I thought it was going to change when we got together but it hasn't. I understand men do drink but this much I don't understand.Please help. It's driving a wedge between us. What do I do or say to prevent this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (10 October 2005):
 There's nothing you can say to change someone's actions and behaviours. Whether this guy is dulling his temporary pain, a heavy drinker, alcohol dependant or alcoholic, you can't change what he does. Only he can do that.
What you can do is define some boundaries for yourself, what you'll tolerate and what you decide is "too much". Then stick to them.
Tell him, first off, that his going to the pub and getting drunk for days at a time leaves you missing him and lonely, and that you're worried for his health. That's not guilt-tripping, it's just a statement of truth. Explain that you want him to be able to be happy, but that you find that the level of his drinking is taking over his life. Don't cry or argue or challenge him about it; just remain calm and see what his reaction is.
He may refuse to discuss it, or he may have more to disclose. Either way, his response will give you more to base your choice on.
Remember one cardinal rule about human behaviour, though: people don't change when they start relationships. Over a very long time, they may learn to modify their bad habits, but with the huge majority of people, "what you see is what you get". If his drinking binges are days long and you don't like it... leave.
Sorry to be brutal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2005): Talk to him tell him how you feel making sure you do so when he is sobar....if he doesnt see a problem in his drinking maybe you should seek prefessional help regarding this.
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reader, pops +, writes (9 October 2005):
YOu can't. He is an alcoholic, and that is a disease that requires professional help. Talk to your local al-anon chapter people about how you can " help" as a family member or gf. You may have to be prepared to walk away from this guy to help him. Could you do that?
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