A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm a little confused as my long term boyfriend has always seemed to be a 100% loyal and faithful guy, but lately I have a feeling hes had his ex girlfriend on his mind lately. I'm worried he's talking to her behind my back. About a week ago, he was telling me a story about something that happened a few years ago, and his ex was part of the story and he went on about him and his ex for like 20 minutes straight, smiling like crazy and all, like it was natural. Just to be clear, he never talks about his ex, so this caught me off guard.Now a couple of days ago, him and I were joking about what baby names we like and what names we would pick for a child. He said he likes cute simple names and gave me a few example names and mentioned this particular ex girlfriend's name 'Katie'. I was again caught off guard by this.I'm about 95% sure something's not right. It seems like he has been thinking about her lately and I'm even worried that he's been talking with her. So what I would like to know is how can I bring this up to my boyfriend without sounding like a jealous over emotional freak? What do I say?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): I don't agree with the person that said you should be okay with that. It doesn't matter what he remembers or you remember about your past relationships, it's inappropriate for him to be bringing her up to you for that reason. Why would he think you'd want to hear about the good times he had with his ex?? It didn't work out, you're with him now. Would your boyfriend be okay with you bringing up your joyful memories of your ex to him? I don't know him but if he's like most men probably not. In my opinion you should ask him why he keeps bringing her up to you. If it's just to trip down memory lane. Tell him the thoughts it puts in your head just like you told us. What's the matter with being honest? I mean I would think he could figure out you probably don't want to hear about his ex. At the very least you need to tell him that you don't think it's very thoughtful for him to reminisce with you about his ex girlfriend, because that's the truth. I am sure he can find somebody more appropriate for him to that with, like a mutual friend of theirs if he feels like he just has to talk about her. Past exes in my opinion should only be brought up for reasons that may effect a current relationship. ie.)if they have children together, schedules and what not, anything that might carry over into your relationship, like how recent was the break up or has your partner cheated or been cheated on, things of that nature which may affect a partners trust, or might tell you a little something about their character or values or might explain to you why they have trust issues.
I probably would have just said something flip, like I do so want to hear about the fun you and your ex had together. It's really sort of ridiculous he'd bring that up to you anyway.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): I would trust your gut, though don't necessarily end the relationship over your suspicions alone. Distance yourself...give him time, especially if he has recently split with his ex (and if this is the case, I would ditch him until he has had plenty of time to recover).
Guys know better than to suggest the ex's name as a possible baby's name. Unless they have a sister with the same name or something, men who have moved on from relationships would not want their daughter to share the name with an ex.
I dated a guy too soon after his last relationship. I know no one could talk me out of it at the time, but if I could do it over again, I wouldn't. I still love him today, but he dragged me through the mud. Not worth the trouble.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2014): You're being paranoid, and it's going to cause a problem in your relationship.
People have memories. That includes yourself.
Sometimes they are good memories that might include their exes. If you think he has to erase his memory of every girlfriend he knew before you came along, you are being quite immature. Don't even pretend you don't remember anything about guys you knew before him.
If every memory you have of your past boyfriends are bad, and you wish to forget them; attribute that to your own poor choices. If you never bring up their names, that's your personal choice. You have a separate brain.
That does not carry-over that your boyfriend should never mention a name or remember someone he once cared for. I speak well of people I've dated in the past, but have no feeling for the person beyond good memories; and fondness appropriately associated with them.
Short of brainwashing, there isn't much you can do about fond memories with other people who came before you.
So chill with the paranoia and appreciate him for how he treats you. Trust him based on this:
"as my long term boyfriend has always seemed to be a 100% loyal and faithful guy"
Let this jealousy feed into your insecurity, and you'll find yourself to be a fond memory from the past.
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