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I keep picturing my fairytale future, even though I know it won't happen...!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2005) 2 Answers - (Newest, 2 November 2007)
A female United Kingdom, anonymous writes:

I can't stop obsessing about the future. I'm twenty four and in a live-in relationship with a man the same age. Our relationship is very good; we've known each other for ten years and been together for three. This is the first time I've ever felt like I'd like to spend the rest of my life with a man. However, I'm worried I might be getting a bit too obsessed with this idea. For the past few months, I've been out of work, and I've started spending all my time thinking about getting married and having a child.

I've always known I wanted to do these things, but now I feel like I need to hurry towards the future for some reason. My boyfriend hasn't asked me to marry him, and we're certainly not in a position to have children yet, but it's all I can think about. I have realised recently that my main ambition - to become a journalist - is a pipe dream and I have had to let go of that idea and start looking for menial jobs. Now, my other two ambitions - marriage and babies - have started occupying my thoughts all the time.

I'm always daydreaming, thinking about what it would be like to have a wedding day. It would be amazing - everyone would be happy for me and I like the idea of everyone saying how pretty I look, as no-one has ever told me that. Of course, these daydreams aren't realistic - if we actually did get married, it would be in a registry office and no-one would say anything nice to me because they never do. I think I just like the idea of a special day, but if it came true I'd be terrified of having all those people looking at me and laughing.

So why do I have these daydreams? Why can't I just accept that my entire life is going to be tedious and unfulfilling? It's got to the stage where every time I try and look for a job, I burst into tears and then have to spend the afternoon sat around daydreaming about things that aren't ever going to happen. I'm fed up of the rejection of job-hunting, and I feel like everyone is looking down on me because I'm not working.

I don't actually want a job because I'm frightened of meeting new people, but I've worked out that I have to get one, as more people are miserable about me not working than will be miserable if I am working. At least if I could get a job, I'd be the only one whose life would be horrible, but I can't get a job is the trouble. I have seriously downgraded my hopes and dreams, and still nothing - even when I apply for cleaning jobs and jobs in supermarkets, I get rejected, and I feel like this may be because of the way I look; after all, people like to see a pretty face behind a counter and that's not me.

What I really need is some advice about how to pull my socks up and stop wishing for things that will never happen. I need to stop thinking about some idealised earth-mother future, and accept that I have to spend the next forty five years working, but I don't know how to think about this without falling to pieces.

View related questions: ambition, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2007):

You're avoiding getting a job by trying to fill your life with marriage/baby ideas. That whole 'i look ugly and have no confidence' argument is so tedious. Its an excuse not to bother. Kick yourself up the arse and get a job. You'll feel a million times better about yourself, it'll get you out of the house, give you confidence, and money so you can save up and get plastic surgery (if you really are ugly). If not, get a job selling paper bags, then you can wear one on your head and just get on with it. Your getting in a depressing vicious cycle by being stuck at home thinking about how you should be working but your not. You dont even have to get a full time one. Do part time and see how it goes. You only get one life so why not just get on with it. I'm an ugly mug but it doesnt stop me. Anyway, even the elephant man had friends.

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A female reader, caffeinequeen +, writes (1 November 2005):

It is so sad that you feel that way about the future,especially at such a young age!It is normal to daydream when the present is not very fulfilling.Everything that happens to us in real life begins with a thought.No one would achieve anything worthwhile if they didn't think about it, envision it, first.Every great dream that is realized starts first in our heads.So, you already have the tools to change your future.But you are using these tools in the wrong way.Instead of using the image of you getting married and having children , as something to forget about your present situation( it's very tough to be on the job market, no doubt about it, you are not alone),use this image as the goal you want to achieve.People get married every day and not all of them have a lot of money ,they make the desire to get married a reality, that's all.It can happen to you too.First, you have to take out of your mind all the negative crap you are telling yourself.Believe that you can find a job.Don't let people pressure you about finding a job.Take small actions to find a job.Maybe the wedding industry has a job for you, if you feel passionate about weddings.My guess is that what you really want is feeling special.Being the bride would give you this feeling.You should feel special every day, not one day only in your life.If you have a boyfriend, he should be the one to compliment you, telling you, you are beautiful.I'm sure your boyfriend finds you attractive, otherwise, he wouldn't be with you.It's a matter of him opening up to you and telling you what you want to hear.Downgrading your hopes and dreams is wrong!Use these hopes and dream to motivate you to do the right things, to take the steps towards a better future.Maybe you are not getting the cleaning jobs, because you are overqualified for them.Don't sell yourself short.You seem to feel unattractive and incompetent.I'm sure you are far away from the truth.Struggling to find a job can bring about depression and self-doubt.Make sure to take good care of yourself outwardly,by putting your best presentation forward( more important than being pretty, cause a pretty girl with dirty hair and bad make up is not attractive) and inwardly by stopping to talk to yourself in a negative way.Decide to completely stop to say negative things to yourself, and immediately replace the negative thoughts by positive ones.It sounds New Agy, but it works.Your life will only be tedious and unfulfilling if you give up on having an interesting and fulfilling life.Use your dreams to motivate yourself.Remember: even Cinderella had to struggle before her fairytale ending,but she never gave up hope!Best of luck.

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