A
female
age
30-35,
*issAnnonimus
writes:I grew up in such a loving family, and then one day that all changed.My mom and dad had argument and my dad moved out from our apartment. Shortly after my mom and my younger brother went on vacation. The same day that they went, my dad dropped by our building to bring me some things, and said how he is also going the same night on vacation.I usually never ask what he does and where he goes, but this time i did and his answer was ''With my girlfriend''. My parents haven't even divorced, he just moved out and my mom was still hoping he would come back. When i heard that, i just turned and started shaking, lost all the things he gave me on the way to the apartment. When i got in,my girlfriends were there (cause we were planning a sleepover) and they saw my expression as i was rushing to the phone.I called him and asked if he was serious, and he was like ''What are you surprised about, its normal, I'm taking my girl to vacation'' and i was like ''Ok, don't ever call me again'' and his answer was ''Ok,if that is your choice, I wont''.After the phone call i felt so bad and lost consciousness. My gfs moved me to bed, and were so scared and called my dad. He came, saw me laying in such a bad condition, just said ''Why is this kid pretending, i have vacation to rush to'' and left. I didn't talk to him for a month after that. I felt so betrayed, couldn't even tell my mom or anyone cause she was so happy and confident that he loves her.After month of non talking, we met for a drink not mentioning anything. I didn't wanna talk with him, but since I'm on faculty that he is financing, i had no choice. Unfortunately i live in country where i can't pay my faculty even if i do 3 jobs, and my mom cant also afford it, so i did some thinking and did what i thought is best for my family. If he can be selfish, I can also.Since then, our relationship is cold, he barely calls me, and i don't even know where my dad lives.After that, my mom got papers for divorce, and she was totally devastated. My whole family found out what was happening. My grandfather got had a heart attack, my little brother was calling me all the time and crying how his dad doesn't love him and my mom totally changed. She stopped taking care of herself,and became depressed.My life had changed 180 degrees, i didn't know how can i help everyone, I felt all the pain that every member of my family had felt.After that, i heard that my dad celebrated our family celebration with that woman, and all of our mutual friends, even my grandma was there (his mom) and already became friends with that woman's parents.That made me confront my dad and ask for explanations. Since i also saw him going out in places where i m supposed to go, drinking and getting drunk, losing his licence. Then how that woman is talking around that we my brother and i are using him for money, and how she wanna stay pregnant.His answer was that he doesn't need my blessing, that this is the 21st century and that is normal.He also said how he was cheating on my mom a lot before and she didn't know that.I felt so bad for even finding that out, that he was cheating while my mom was occupied with raising a family and trusting him, cause he never had 9-5 job, he was working all day, every day.What hurts me the most, is that I cant believe that someone can be so cold to their own kids, doesn't care that they are suffering and its their fault. My mom and my brother are in financial problems, and I'm all over, not knowing how to help anyone and i don't even know how to help myself to begin with. Cause it affects me on daily basis, when i see my gfs and their dads, and how they live their life for their kids, and nothing is more important than them.I cant explain, how he just changed from caring dad to a stranger.I m a type of person, to whom family is the most important thing in life, and one dad that all fell into pieces.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2013): I'm sorry for the pain you are going through, but to be honest, you are the one who made the relationship with your father turn cold. You were the first one to say "don't ever call me again." He simply said "OK if that's what you want."
I know it's hard when your parents are divorcing and you are right to be outraged that he had been cheating on your mom. But really, your father's romantic life and who he is sleeping with is not your business, it is between him and your mom only. Their marriage is between them. Their relationship is between them. He did not betray YOU, he betrayed your mom. You are right to feel bad for your mom and to be angry at him for what he did to her, but his relationship to YOU as your father is separate from his relationship to your mother. he was willing to continue having a father-daughter relationship with you, but you pushed him away first.
In the real world, married people do grow apart. Many times, their relationship becomes very bad but they continue to pretend to be "normal" because they have kids and they want the kids to think they are in a normal family. Then when the kids are older, they dont' want to pretend anymore they want to live the truth out in the open. Your father finally decided to be truthful that he never loved your mother. I know it really hurts, and he is a jerk for cheating on your mother rather than divorcing her first before getting a new girlfriend. but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you because the relationship between parents and children is separate from that of a husband and wife. In the end, children should stay out of their parents' romantic business because it is between the parents only.
don't misunderstand me - I do think your father did a horrible thing by cheating on your mom. But again, leaving the marriage is not wrong - everyone has a right to leave their marriage because marriage should be a voluntary relationship that you WANT to be in. And also, he is betraying her not you. So in this situation, YOU are the one who started going cold on him and not speaking to him first, and he is simply saying "OK if that's how you want it then so be it."
Now to be morally consistent, I would advise that you not take money from him anymore. It would make you look very bad if you were refusing to talk to him yet are happy to take his money.
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 May 2013):
 Firstly I relate to the Culture with regards to Family and understand his dismissive behaviour. It sounds like your parents were strangers to each other before it became known to you all? Surely they would have had arguments prior to this and perhaps protected you and little brother from knowing the real state of their marriage? Naturally it's a devastating shock to you and you've grown distant from your Father because of his coldness – dismissive behaviour. But perhaps you can remind him that whilst it's the 21st Century, he still has 21st Century Children who are suffering at his hand– actions that he is responsible for. As it doesn't make it right or less hurtful no matter which Century we live in! Mid-Life Crisis or no mid-life crisis he is still your Father! And the divorce is between him and your Mother; NOT with you and little brother! Let them battle it out and whilst you are right to be angry etc at him, your Father Daughter relationship should not change, or be poisoned by this other woman - (glupa krava).Plus it is clever of you; as you say to be selfish as he is, to keep the peace for your educational financing. That’s not using him for money, that’s his responsibility! Brinuti – Tetka A
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 May 2013):
 It sounds like a classic mid-life crisis. Some men can become extremely self-centred, caring about their own gratification at the expense of all their old relationships. It's not uncommon, and it's certainly not pretty to watch.
I'm sorry that you're experiencing this. All I can suggest is that you, your brother and mother stick together and help each other as best you can. Your father may come to his senses, or may not. It is your call whether you choose to forgive him. Understand, though, that he may decide to stop paying your tuition if you're not on speaking terms.
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