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I broke up with my jealous LDR boyfriend. Did I make the right choice?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up, Cheating, Friends, Long distance, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (31 October 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 19 December 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Well... to cut the story short I was in a LDR for 8 months with an American guy who's in the army. We got to know each other through a music site as we had similar taste in music. We eventually got to know each other better via IM, that's when we started talking more often and we grew closer to one another. I knew him for about a year as friends before I contemplated on being with him as he proposed the idea. I was reluctant at first as I've been through a lot of rough patches when it has come to relationships, so I was very reserved at first, not opening up to him. But slowly he helped me a lot, opening my shield that I've been using for so long as a barrier against others, and not letting them in. So I decided to take things slow and see how they would develop from there. I had been single for nearly 3 years before him, so I thought if I can't find love down here, I might as well venture outside of where I live to have any success.

He made me feel soo happy, really understanding how I felt, and what I needed from a man. We both let each other know what we wanted out of the relationship and we both wanted the same thing, so we had that same level of understanding and communication. I thought to myself woww this is exactly what I needed and wanted, the only problem was the distance. We had made plans to meet each other, so he was working hard at his job, I had recently graduated from Uni, so I was still looking for work, but I had been saving up each week to build it up so that I wouldn't be tempted to spend it on myself. Later on down the line we did have a few arguments, but it was nothing we couldn't work out as we would always kiss and make up. Most of the arguments we did have were stress related anyways, as we both had family issues, job issues, so we would lash out on one another.

But yeah...lately we have been arguing a lot to the point where he doesn't listen to my point of view, and not even understanding how much pain and heart ache he causes me. I'm currently ill right now as I've been crying myself to sleep at night, and all day yesterday I've been all teary, no matter how strong I try to be, I'm always thinking damn it's not worth all these tears as I've been through a lot worse. I can't understand why I feel this way... But yeah...a few months into the relationship I had learnt about his past more, as I didn't know he was one to be the 'jealous type'. He knew beforehand that I generally tend to get along better with male friends than I did with female friends. But from this his insecurities got the better of him and he would always accuse me of stuff which I hadn't done. I tried very hard to reassure him that it was him I only wanted and no one else would compare no matter what. I even neglected all my friends for him as he didn't like me going out and preferred for me to stay at home knowing that I was safe and sound with my family. (I did go out for meals and stuff with friends, so he didn't stop me completely as I'm quite a strong minded person). He would always look at my profile page and see guys making flirty remarks, I didn't think anything of it at first until he brought it up so I understood how it made him feel as he's been cheated on in the past. I've been cheated on in my past too, so I would never even think of doing that to someone else, especially knowing how hurtful it is you know? But yeah it got to the point where we were arguing so much out of nothing that I couldn't take it anymore, I felt so unhappy and as if he didn't trust or even understand or care how I felt. He would always switch the argument to him, making him look selfish. This took me by surprise because relationships are a 2 way thing, without trust, love, communication and respect especially in a LDR I thought it was best we went our separate ways otherwise we would both be suffering in the long run. Even little things about what physical stuff we had done he didn't want to know. He would always say to me "I don't wanna know what shit you've done with a guy as long as it's with me". So yeah at times I felt he was controlling and dominant, but I never gave him that satisfaction and spoke my mind truly on how I felt, and respected his feelings if he would rather not know or didn't like something.

All I need to know is that if he really loved me why did he put me through all of this? And have I made the right decision by breaking up with him? At times I feel so tempted to go running back to him trying to make things work out. I know he's not a bad person, he's just been through a lot of past demons and he needs to work on that, same as myself. But at the same time I know if I go back he might not wanna talk to me, because he made it clear he doesn't want any contact. I've tried so hard to make things work, I don't know what to do...Someone please help me... :(

View related questions: broke up, flirt, jealous

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A male reader, rolfen Lebanon +, writes (19 December 2010):

rolfen agony auntArmy is tough. It has been said that "war is hell". Remember that.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

@Stayc63088 Thank you for your response! :o) But yeah..I guess you're right. We never used to argue as much, it was only later on that I realised about his insecurities which threw me off a little leading to all the arguments that we would have. And with all the accusations he claimed of me obviously made me upset as he lacked trust and faith in me, which I had for him. The arguing was mostly online, when we spoke via Skype or on the phone it was fine. And trust me, that's exactly what I would say to him, but he would always say to me ohh I've heard other girls say that "they are just friends" blah de blah etc....I just had enough of all the drama. But thank you once again! I feel a lot better now :o)

@Ampersand Thank you! :o) I've been told I'm quite mature for my age! lol! But I see what you mean, as this is probably the longest relationship I've had so it was all new to me. I have friends who have been in long term relationships where I have met their bf's etc... so that gave me a lil insight in what to expect and how to deal with certain situations. But yeah, I've never been one to be the jealous type, if anything I didn't mind him having female friends. You hit it on the nail though! I literally did feel exhausted to the point where he wouldn't even listen to my side of the story, everything revolved around him. But thank you soo much for you help, I feel a lot better knowing I've made the right choice. It'll take time for me to get over him but I will try to stay strong. :o)

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A female reader, Stayc63088 United States +, writes (31 October 2010):

Stayc63088 agony auntYou were crying all the time... A happy and healthy relationship shouldn't be this way. And from they way I read it, it sounded like you got along great but got to know each other better as time went on and stopped getting along. Unfortunately that happens. I won't call it the honeymoon phase because the situation seems different online, but similar. Of course you are sad because you liked him so much but I doubt it would work. Had you met him yet? Or were you having these arguments over the phone/online? I think that you made the right decision for many reasons. Even in person someone who is jealous would ALWAYS have a hard time dealing with opposite sex friends. I can only imagine how paranoid he would get not being around you and imagining what you are doing. Which of course isn't your fault. And no amount of telling him they are just friends would get through to him. Once again, you made the right choice.

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