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I am depressed with or without him... what is this?

Tagged as: The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 January 2010) 11 Answers - (Newest, 20 January 2010)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My ex and I recently saw each other and acted like we were back together. But after the meeting I realized he had changed a lot... for the worse. So I started ignoring him and the more I ignore, the more he persists. I decided to tell him straight and asked him not to contact me again. He looked really upset but I keep on repeating my request that finally he promised to follow.

Now it's been a week since we talked and not a word i heard from him. I thought I will feel good but why do I feel depressed now?

I know he is not good for me, i am not happy when we communicated again but why am i still unhappy now that he won't communicate anymore? I don't feel happy with or without him.

Can someone explain to me what I am going through and how to deal with my emotion? It's driving me crazy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks again everyone.

At least when I feel the strong urge to contact him because I feel so depressed, I will remember your experiences and this will remind me that I am not alone in this world. If others can make it, i should too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

RhythmandBlues2, thanks so much for the suggestions.

I have actually read this before but I have never tried it but I will really try it now. I know no one could help me get through this but myself. I know there will be a day when I could just remember this and realize I had moved on. I can't wait to wake up on that day.

Thanks again.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010):

As far as what to do with your sad feelings? Allow yourself to cry, if you have to schedule it on a weekend, then I guess do so, if you live with your sister, go into the bathroom, run the water, or take a hot shower and let the tears flow! Go outside in the park by yourself and scream if you have too but get it out.

Write a scathing letter to him about how you feel, and never mail it. It won't do you any good to tell him how you feel, he will just either think you are nuts or he will think you want to work on the relationship and you know that you don't.

Simply accept that you are grieving and get busy with your life. I find that getting enough sleep, taking a walk with your dog, and exercise, no caffeine, and healthy foods, no alcohol and pampering your body does wonders for your spirits too, and the longer he is gone for good the better you will feel. I am angry at myself for letting him back in even only for a day, I won't make that mistake again. If I see him, if I end up working where he does, I will ask him to leave me alone....I don't care to hear about his life and I certainly am not going to tell him about mine. He is that toxic of a person and I can't be friends with someone like that and never will be.

Neither should you if it has taken you this long to get over him, there is something very toxic about this man, get him out of your life and you will see what I mean.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010):

The main reason you are feeling like crap after a year is that you are still allowing him to remain in your life and to tell you how he thinks you are doing.

Cut him out of your life. He is toxic to you. Do not try to be a friend to someone who hurt you emotionally and/or betrayed your trust, those wounds run deep.

You need to come to terms that he is not a good guy, especially not for you, and you need to forgive him, feel sorry for him if you want, but don't forget why you don't need this parasite in your life.

Seriously, if you can't cut him out of your life, then pick up and move to a different town if you have to!

It is really pretty simple why after all this time you can't move on, because you won't let him go in your heart and in your mind and most importantly in your life....Stop all contact with him, do not follow him on Passbook either....put all pictures of him and all things that he gave you away, or burn them. Don't allow these reminders of him to trigger you.

This relationship is over. Don't ever look back and start focusing on your wonderful future. It's the only way to heal.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks everyone for your insights.

Really, what I can't understand with myself is that I really am dying to erase him out of my life. I want him out, right now but my emotions, its not cooperating with me. My mind and feelings have split now.

Is this how one goes through? Why for me the emotional roller coaster doesn't end. It's been a year since we broke up and we were just together for a year. This is so bitter.

I have followed everyone's advise, i tried to meet new people, tried to enjoy myself, went for a vacation, shopped to death to comfort myself. It just doesn't work for me. He thinks I am handling it well coz sometimes he asks me how come I look ok when he doesn't. But deep inside I am dead.

I want to tell him exactly how I feel, maybe it's becoz I kept it to myself all along? It's like I am about to explode. I don't have anyone to talk to, my friends think I am strong and they have their own problems. I can't cry either as I live with my sister and I don't want her to see my eyes swelling. Also, I am working at a school and can't face people with a depressed face and swollen eyes. Parents come to me and don't want to turn them off to see a school officer like this. I always have to look smart.

I want to tell him what exactly i feel right now but would it help? Has anyone actually done this then walk out and begin to heal? I have tried to show him i am ok but i know this is a lie and this lie haunts me.

I so want to just wake up one day and realize its gone. I have tried to meet new guys but they seem like blank faces to me, I am not at all interested.

Any further suggestions and success stories?

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A female reader, Brooklyngirl United States +, writes (15 January 2010):

Brooklyngirl agony auntRythmamdblues nailed it! You are grieving the loss...whether it is a death, or the death of a relationship, grieving is a process. There are stages to grieving, and you have to go through them all. Feel what you are feeling, and when you are ready you will let it go.

Focus on a new life without him, but don't try to deny what you are feeling. It's perfectly normal. Too many of us decide to give relationships another try because we feel these feelings. That's not the answer! Just acknowledge what you are feeling, and then move! You will come out the other side a happier person!

Good Luck and Be Strong!


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A female reader, OHme France +, writes (15 January 2010):

OHme agony aunthello, I had the same issue with my first former boyfriend, I couldn't take the pain of the break up and I wanted to be with him so bad.. and it happened. I couldn't say no to his requests to meet and it was so crazy because I couldn't let him go one more time at the time when he didn't care about "us", he was just looking for "fun" . that's why I can tell you that your ex doesn't seem serious and you will end up wasting your time and your emotions for nothing. now, I don't feel anything toward him, it took me 2 years to get completly over him and I m ready to start over and I hope you will do so.

good luck

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

I broke up with a man almost a year ago, and he started contacting me again about six months ago and wanted to see me and talk to me and he kept saying he wanted to sleep with me too, he was trying to tell me how he fixed everything that was baggage that he dragged into our relationship and caused problems. I started to feel hopeful that maybe he and I could try again, I even finally agreed to see him after 4 months of this and I couldn't even let him kiss me. He had hurt me so much emotionally and he hadn't fixed that. Then he has the nerve to tell me he has a new girlfriend just one week after he tried to sleep with me and make me think he wanted to be together with me.

I realized that I could never trust him that it wasn't just his baggage that was the problem it was him. He was manipulative and emotionally abusive for a long period of time and then became verbally abusive. I don't ever want to be in that kind of relationship. I told him I never want him to talk to me again.

And I still feel depressed. The reason I believe is because I truly loved him and had very deep feelings for him, he made me believe he did too and that we were going to be together basically forever. I am grieving the loss of the man I thought he was, I am grieving the loss of love, I am grieving the loss of a future that I hoped would not be spent alone. I am not grieving for the man he turned out to be. It is a betrayal for someone to feign their feelings, their commitment to you and even fake who they are. It hurts at the soul level...there is a hole in my soul.

There is one in you too. Stay away from this guy, he is toxic to you, realize that it is not him you are sad over but the hurt and pain and loss that you went through for having invested in the wrong relationship and the wrong man.

Work on rebuilding who you were before you met the loser.

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A female reader, lonelyhrt64 United States +, writes (15 January 2010):

lonelyhrt64 agony auntI think that you really want him the way he used to be. Now that you have noticed how much he has changed, he doesn't ring your bell anymore. When you were seeing each other before, what caused the split? Have you really tried to see other guys? Spend some quality time with yourself, bubble baths, self manicure, play with your clothes, really figure out how much you mean to yourself. If after doing a thorough job of buffing up your self esteem, you still can't live without him. Sit down with him and have a true heart to heart. Find out if he has really changed a lot, or is he on the rebound from someone he was seeing in the interim.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):

I am like that about my ex! Can't live with him, can't live without him! He is the only man I've ever really loved and he can be adorable but he can also be nasty! What to do? It's a common problem. There is no 100% perfect answer. If you've decided that you really don't want to be with him, then all you can do is keep yourself busy, focus on your life without him and give it time. If you really believe he is the one for you, maybe you get counselling if you still seriously miss each other in say, a couple of months. Maybe you are lonely, so try and see what happens when you are with friends/family etc .. it might take the edge of the loneliness. It could be that you just feel disappointed the thing didn't work out and you wasted time on him etc .. but you're young & you have your whole life ahead & it's a big wide world etc ... Take a step back, think logically about it and just take it easy for now. Not sure if this answer is actually much help! :) but I hope you work it out. x

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (15 January 2010):

It's always difficult to cope after a break up. My girlfriend got divorced after years of being emotionally abused, yet she was still depressed about it. It was't the loss of the man, it was just the feeling that it had all gone wrong for her. I think that's what's happening with you. Its gone wrong, and though you don't want him back, you want someone. Just take your time getting over him, take your time meeting new people. You'll get there.

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