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How do I get over bad trust issues?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 December 2008) 3 Answers - (Newest, 29 December 2008)
A female Canada age 36-40, *zrlinz writes:

Ok. This is a long one. I am a 20 year old girl, in a 2.5 relationship with my boyfriend. We have lived together for 10 months, and it has been going alright. I have severe trust issues, however I am working very hard on them. My boyfriend kissed another girl a year and a half ago when he was drunk, however, he was exremely apologetic and was willing to work on our relationship, so I gave him another chance. I don't regret it, and he did change. He became a much better boyfriend, and yes, there has been ups and downs, like every relationship, but I do think I am happy. It's just that we are very different. We have different boundaries. He talks and texts his friends(ones that are girls) a lot, but he is a very friendly guy and always likes to have good conversations with people, and never holds grudges. He is very stubborn, and bull headed, and will do what he wants to do, even sometimes when I express my dislike. What I'm trying to get at is that I don't want my trust issues to affect my relationship anymore. It has put such a strain on it that is unecessary. He doesn't even really do anything that would make me not trust him. He doesn't lie to me, about anything.(That I know of). Yet I still think he lies about where he is or who he is with. But it always turns up that he is where he says he is. I snoop through his phone sometimes. I usually don't find anything threatening at all, but I still do it. (Sometimes daily.) I'm trying so hard to make myself better, to make our relationship better, but I feel like I am the problem. Because of one indiscretion a really long time ago, I am going nuts. Please, can someone tell me how to resolve my trust issues? How do I get over all of this?

View related questions: drunk, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008):

Trust doesn’t always lie with you, sweetie you have to trust that your Man will think about you and put your feelings first in every aspect of life, if you cant trust him not to do something you don’t like then how can you trust him not to hurt you, my BF is a great guy he also wouldn’t cheat but I cant trust that he will put me 1st in his life, sometimes when his out with his friends and I am at home (alone) he would rather stay out with them than thinking about me being alone at home, I don’t wane sound like I am a ball and chain around his neck, but he believes that he will spend the rest of his life with me, he wont cheat on me and I should be happy with that, but as woman we need to be able to trust our men with all of our emotions, and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to do.

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A female reader, blackroses2989 United States +, writes (22 December 2008):

blackroses2989 agony auntHi there! I know what you are going through, I have trust issues, too. I'm nineteen and my boyfriend and I also rent a house togther. I have been cheated on by past boyfriends countless times, so for awhile I really toughened myself up. I basically emotionless, I cared for people at a distance, even if people hurt me, they coudnt really because I never let them all the way in. It was no way to live but it sufficed back then. When I met Matt however, in three weeks he had destroyed the wall that had taken me years to build up. I have emotion again, though ometimes too much, I love him for it. A few times I thought he would cheat on me, not because of anything he did, more because of what I had thought of as a pattern with all my other bfs. I know he would never cheat on me, he's the most honest, sweetest guy anyone could know. He's a great guy and I love him. Getting over trust issues has to do more with yourself than anything else. It's the ability to put faith in other people. While sometimes you may be let down, you must realize that everyoe is different, not everyone will let you down. As far as you and your bf are concerned, you need to find it in your yourself to have faith in him. You need to stop snooping through his phone. You should tell him how you feel, tell him about your insecurities, maybe his reassurance will help you trust him. I hope that helped I know it doesnt really tell you what you can do, but in order to get over trust issues, you have to trust him again. If he hasn't done anything in a year and a half, then you have no reason not to. good luck honey.

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A female reader, Butterflyfly United Kingdom +, writes (22 December 2008):

Butterflyfly agony auntI can not tell whether he shuld/cold be more reassuring, or whether the problem lies mainly in you..I know he triggered it , but as you say, it happened when his better judgement was not there as he was drunk.. I know thats no excuse and that can actually make you think of the worst. I think at your end, the best you can do is to try to look hard into yourself and discover what would really happen if he indeed was cheating on you, yould that really destroy you as a person? perhaps you are investing too much in this relationship and neglect focusing on other areas of yourlife - just to get some balance?. as an exercise. even if he was, the point is you will survive that and it will only make you learn more about yourself.. i know it's hard to do it and the pain of being cheated is unbearable.. if you allow it to be!!

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