A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years since highschool. I am now 26. I can understand that we are entering a period of life where our wants and goals are different, but I am having trouble communicating the changes I want in our relationship. How do I get him to understand why I am unhappy. He clams up when it's time to talk serious. I can't seem to break through; and I am getting exhausted from feeling like I am the only one who cares whether this relationship is on a path forever. He has had some serious drug addictions in the past I know he still struggles with. I am afraid that I have become the last person he wants to talk to because he doesn't want to hurt me. Any advice from people who have had similar situations would be helpful. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): I've been in the same boat, to a degree.Communication helps. He's set in his ways and he's comfortable with doing things a certain way. He needs to understand that a relationship is different than what he's used to, it's something that needs to be looked after and cared for. He needs to put forth the effort or he's going to lose you because he won't grow up emotionally and talk with you and serious stuff. Is he the type that jokes about almost everything and it's semi-impossible to get any REAL feeling out of him?Write him a letter with your feelings, not a cold letter, not a break-up letter, not a "you're wrong" letter... just a letter explaining what YOU need out of the relationship. Your needs are just as important as his, and if he thinks he can discard the relationship like he's doing, he needs to be aware that you'll walk away because it's hurting you that he's not giving you the effort. 9 years isn't nothing, if anything he should be more willing to make it work because you're the one he wants/needs in his life. Goals and life plans change over time, it's important to not neglect other aspects of your life when they do. Hang in there. A letter would be wise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): You have several choices.
You can push him and push him and see which way he breaks. either he will talk, or he will flee? in which case you have your answer.
You can wait for him to come to YOU to talk. however long that may be.
You could write him a letter, very calmly describing how you feel, and ask him to open up to you? its a gentler approach that he can deal with in his own time without having to stare you in the face while doing it?
You can give him an ultimatum. "Talk to me or its over". Depends how you want to play it really.
You can give up trying and deal with the way things are and see how they pan out?
The only way you can get him to understand why you're unhappy is by talking to him.
You could also try couples therapy.
just some general ideas for u. I'll let people who have actually been in the position more recently give you some more specific advice.
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