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female
,
anonymous
writes: I work at a gas station, I've been there for almost a year. One of the guys that comes in to stock the soda is attractive funny and nice, he flirts with me and of course I flirt back. I'm 20 years old and he is 28. The only problem is that he is married with 2 kids. I can't stop thinking about him but I get a vibe that he likes me too and I don't know what to do. I don't want to really bring anything up because he is married and I don't want it to feel awkward between us. But I can't help myself.......I've never had a deeper feeling about anybody like this before. He actually takes an interest in me and asks me questions and how was my weekend and stuff like that..none of the other people do that. But I don't know......what should I do???very confused.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (21 March 2006):
 He's married. Leave him alone. Why complicate things? He's not for you to take. Maybe he is just a nice guy. We always meet people we're attracted to. He's not available.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (21 March 2006):
 I can't help but feel that whilst you are crying out for help and advice for you to make a move on this married guy you really must resist.
A married man is just that, married and committed to his wife and family. Flirting goes on in all walks of life. I used to work in a pub for 13 years and when I used to start my shift the guys used to be friendly but nothing more, by the end of the shift after a few more pints I was the love of their life but I knew that whilst it bolstered my ego they would go home to their wives and children and forget everything they had said.
Harmless flirting is fine, don't punish yourself and make it into anything more than that.
Ask him what he did at the weekend and see if he brings up his wife and children. If he doesn't then he is looking for something more like an affair but it is very dangerous ground you are treading on.
Having fantasies about him are one thing as they remain in your head but taking it further could leave you with an unwanted pregnancy and him at home with his wife and children and then where would you be. Lonely and with a child.
You are young and at only 20 you should be going out with friends and circulating. Maybe the fact that he is older is the attraction or the unavailability.
Go onto online dating sites and just chat to someone. Don't give away too much personal info and never give out bank or any other details. Never meet anyone in secluded areas and just enjoy chatting initially. Your married man clocks off at the end of the day but there are plenty of men out there looking for love just like you, just go and explore life a little. Have fun you are young and probably underestimating yourself considerably.
Have a girlie night out and just try not to push yourself too hard right now.
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A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (21 March 2006):
 Oh no. I feel bad for you because you are likely to really not like any good answer that will protect your heart from really, really deep hurt.
Here is the thing. He may like you, but what does that say about him? That his word (vows) mean nothing and that he is easily distracted and will wander off even if a history is at stake. It means if he chooses you, he is willing to commit to nothing for too long and is willing to hurt his little ones because he is selfish.
It is easy to forget this- trust me here. You don't have to remember this while thinking he is so great. You, in fact, don't know anything but this about him so the rest if just you filling in the blanks. He might be horrible and his fearful wife may wish she never met him!
The only thing for you to do is no matter what, keep it professional. Assume he is just a nice guy. That could be all it is anyway. Many guys that I know are nice to people they see regularly like he sees you.
If he does want more he would have to make the first move and then you would only be a good citizen to protect his wife and kids first. That way you could get a read on how serious he was about you. Tell him that when he was available you would love to see him but that you need a man who is not responsible to another woman first.
So long as he is married, do not a single thing with him. If you do, you are telling him you don't think you deserve more and you don't want or need a real man in your life and you don't even have to be the most important woman to him.
ONLY if he says something first you can say that while you are attracted, it would not be right for you to help him cheat on his wife. . . that you would not appreciate anyone who could not stand up for what they really wanted and become uninvolved with their last relationship before starting up with their next.
To help you in the mean time. Practice dating others. Go out just to see what other guys have to offer, even if it is not as exciting as your fantasy life with the gas guy. Keeping busy is the best way to make sure that you meet as many other guys as possible and eventually you will see that many guys are that nice.
The question then will be, is the fact that these available guys are actually available a turnoff? Or, are you afraid to risk real intimacy so you accept second best? Love is scary but facing our own fear of rejection, or of not being lovable and even the fear of uneventful but safe happiness- now that can be the scariest of them all.
But if you choose to you can face these fears directly expect the pain but know that on the other side is what we really want. Love, safety, respect, and happiness- as imperfect as they may be.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (21 March 2006):
 There is nothing here to be confused about.
He's married.....that means unavailable. See in your mind you have already got this built up into something it will never be. How is your weekend is polite....it does not come with....hey lets run away together and we will live happily ever after. First you can simply enjoy the friendship and flirting....nothing wrong with that...call it an ego boost. Then never let it (especially not in your mind) become anything more.
He might be willing to hop in bed with you.....lots of married guys Do. Will he give you anything but heartache? For about 10 minutes. The price you will pay with sorrow will never be worth the short happy seconds.
Don't be confused. This is not maybe love...it is not anything. Don't fool yourself...and that is really what your doing. Maybe he does take an intrest in you. Great...that's nice. But if you choose to make offers in hopes he will...have an affair....leave his family for you....etc, then you are choosing to hurt yourself.
I have heard a million times..."Well you just can't help who you fall in love with."
That is a bunch of garbage. We all choose exactly who we fall for. We fall for who we date or who we begin obsessing about. Now this man has never made a pass at you of any kind...correct? Yet you have yourself convinced that you have never felt so deeply for anyone. What is his favorite color? How does he like his eggs cooked. Where did his parents meet? What is his favorite Uncles name and why is he his favorite? Does he have a song that makes him cry? Birthday? Favorite holiday?
See these may be silly questions...but if you don't know the answer to every one of them....you don't know anything about him.
I am not trying to be mean to you. I am honestly trying to save you a huge amount of pain. Don't choose to fall into this married man trap...Don't choose to hurt for months maybe years Wasting your heart on someone who is not yours and even though he's being nice to you...he belongs not just to that wife you mentioned....but to those children who need him much more desperately than you ever will.
Enjoy his kindness, conversation....Then ask Him about his family and really look at the pictures of the kids he will probably show you. Those are the people you are hopeing to steal his affection from. Don't do it. No confusion.
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