A
female
age
36-40,
*parkster
writes:I care a lot for my boyfriend, but he doesn't seem to really care about me. It's a long distance relationship so it's hard enough already, but he doesn't call me AT ALL. I recently told him I wanted to talk on the phone at least sometimes and since then he's called me a few times, so it did help. He texts me every three days about. It's really a bulls*** relationship like I said, especially considering we've been together ten months. With how little we communicate though, it's not like ten months in a normal relationship. I'm really low maintenance and the type of person who only calls people when there's a reason to, but this is an unbelievably small amount of contact even for me. I broke up with him several months ago and he seemed to be upset about it, which would mean that he cares somewhat. Obviously he cares enough to maintain what we have as much as he does, but just how little that might be I don't really know. I've told him that I don't think he cares about me and he said that he does. I know I have it better than people who pine after someone who won't even go on a date with them or talk to them, but I consider myself to be in about the same boat. I'm actively looking for other guys and hopefully someone a little more available will come along and I'll forget all about this guy, but that day is not today and I need advice on how to deal with these feelings. It's painful knowing that he doesn't care about me and I feel pathetic crying over him. I've cried about five times over it. I can't believe I'm asking relationship advice on yahoo answers or anywhere else but I feel so helpless. I can't yell at him or complain, even though that's exactly what I want to do, because that will only push him away. I have to pretend like nothing is wrong, besides letting him know I'd like to talk to/see him more. He claims he is so busy with school and all this other c***, but you can make time if you really care about someone.. that's just a bs excuse. He visits my state once a month (not specifically for me) and when he does I see him for one day.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): Thanks for the kind words. I realized that I didn't really express to him how much it was hurting me, because I was trying to be cool about it. So instead of dumping him before I did that, I decided to talk to him and at least give him the chance to change before I ended things. Basically I told him that I was thinking about breaking up with him and I wasn't happy in the relationship as things were. He did call me a lot more immediately after that, but I can't help but think it's only because he knows that this is kind of his probation period. I'm not thrilled about having to ask for his attention in the first place- he should want to give it to me. I don't want to feel like I'm getting pity calls.. that's not really what I want out of a relationship. I also told him I want to hold off on any definitive decisions until we get a chance to talk it out in person when he visits in a couple weeks. It's so difficult to make a decision. If I break up with him again I have to make sure I want to end it for good, because I'm not so sure he's going to take me back again after that. That's why I'm taking my time deciding. I have to figure out if he'll be able to make me happy. Next semester and even this summer I'm going to be a lot busier than I am now and I might even appreciate that he doesn't crowd me. I guess I just need more time to see how things go.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Hey there:Thanks for letting me know that you read my message. I am glad to hear that you are sounding more hopeful!:) You can do anything you set your mind to and your heart on. You mentioned that you don't have a lot going on in your life and that's why people presume you will be available to them whenever it is convenient for them. I suggest that you get involved with hobbies or volunteer work or part-time work or something productive, any of which will only broaden your experience, make you feel better about yourself, and keep you genuinely busy so that you can actually decline invitations and let others know that you too have a life!:) Also it will make your life feel more meaningful and will in turn make you a more interesting person with lots more to talk about when you do get together with friends/boyfriend/family. My suggestion requires that you come out of your shell to shine your light on this world - and I really believe you need to do this for yourself so that you can realize your talents and gifts. We all have something to contribute to the world. Just experiment with some extra involvements until you find the thing that really fulfills you. Once you make this connection you will soon reap the benefits and as a by-product of your decision, when/if your friends/boyfriend tell you about all the great things they're up to you will be able to let them know that you have a lot going on in your life too!:) Who knows, if you get out there and more active in the world, you will be in a much better position to meet someone who shares your interests. Maybe you could write a list of the things you would most value first in yourself, and then in a man and a love relationship. Write down your "wish list" and from that list and narrow it down to the qualities that you know in your heart you cannot compromise. This exercise will help you get to know yourself better and will prepare you for attracting into your life the kind of energy you will respond to well. It will also show you areas to focus on in terms of self-improvement which is the only thing any of us have control over.I am curious about the relationship you are now in (in limbo) and wonder how it began. You said before that expressing your feelings about this guy made you feel pathetic. I think it makes you very courageous and it tells me you honestly are on the verge of making a difference in your life. You had said you wish you could yell or complain to this guy but you feel intimidated. That's a very frustrating and discouraging place to be. It's like you've been walking on egg shells trying to keep him in your life. That's not a good feeling at all. You also mentioned that when he comes to town he does not come specifically to see you, which I presume means he comes back to see family and/or other friends as well, which is fine, but he should be letting you know that you are a big priority on his visit. We teach others how to treat us - it's the truth. If we never impose limits when someone's behavior is hurtful or inappropriate then we actually give them permission to keep up the poor behavior, as if by our silence we are screaming that we in fact don't deserve anything better. I know in your head that you don't want to be treated badly, but somehow you are transmitting the message loud and clear that it's okay. Even when you say you have asked him to pay more attention to you and he called you a little more often, but not nearly enough and with no adequate explanation as to why he did not want to accommodate your very reasonable request. By accepting his slight improvement without explaining clearly to him that he misunderstood just how important it is to you, you actually let him know he could continue to dismiss your needs. You must never allow anyone to intimidate you into silence while accepting what feels like emotional abuse. You needed to risk losing him by telling him directly, and with conviction, that if he doesn't want to risk losing YOU, and if he wants any chance of remaining romantically involved, then he has to not only reassure you that he cares - he needs to show it. Actions do speak louder than words. Yours and his. You both communicate by what you are doing or not doing much more than anything either of you says to the other.I don't actually think that your boyfriend's behavior is intentional. People often take others for granted and don't realize it until they have been told how much it has hurt someone. His behavior is probably more because he is young, focusing on school and all the extracurricular activities, and he may not yet be ready to become more seriously involved with anyone at this point in his life. He may view you as someone who will be available to him on his terms only, which shows a selfish disregard for your needs. Lots of men are selfish, which doesn't make them bad people, just more tuned into their own needs, not someone else's needs. Having said that, if you don't speak openly and honestly to him and let him know that you expect - yes - expect and deserve - more attention and that his inconsideration of you and your feelings has made you feel sad and hopeless with respect to a future between you, then at least he would know for certain how you really feel and would have an opportunity to change it if he feels so compelled. If expressing the truth of your feelings could actually make him break up with you, then he does not care in the same way you do. People learn from the experience of love relationships. They learn what they want and what they can never accept in the future. You are on a big learning curve right now but I believe you will look back one day soon on this painful and frustrating time in your life and see how it motivated you to become the best person you can be and good things will come into your life. Please let me know how things go and never feel like you are alone because there are millions of people - young men and women - just like you -who are on the road to self-discovery hoping to find the right person to share the journey. Stay true to yourself. It's not always easy, but it is always worthwhile in the end. Whatever you decide to do in this situation with your boyfriend, I wish you the very best in your future! You have all the power to change things for the better for yourself and all you really have to do is believe it!:) Thanks again for your note. Now go get busy - you can do it!:)Your friend in Canada
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): Thanks for responding and actually I especially appreciate the perspective of someone older than me. You're right about how I feel towards myself, even though I don't like to admit it. I don't have a lot going on and because of that when I hang out with other people it usually revolves around their schedule. It's not a leap to assume that they don't have very much respect of my time. My boyfriend seems to think I'll always be around and he's taking me for granted. I guess I didn't really see the way he's acting as an intentional disrespect, but intentional or not I think now that it is disrespect.
I have been thinking of doing the exact thing that you mentioned: not communicating with him for a while and seeing how it feels. Coincidentally, he hasn't visited home in two months, but I've been in some contact with him. I'm going to stop communication with him completely now for a full three months at least and see how I feel from there. I think you're right and it'll give me a better perspective. I actually don't plan on telling him that I'm going to be doing that though, so I think he will essentially see it as me breaking up with him, which I intend to do.
Our one year anniversary is this June though. It's too bad. In a way I was kind of holding off until after the one year mark even though that's kind of silly. Well, I was also holding off until I found a replacement for him, but I don't think I'll need to. I think I'm gonna be okay.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): I just read your post and while I am not in your situation now I have definitely worn the same shoes in my past. I presume you are young. I hope the fact that I am an older woman doesn't exclude me from being able to relate to your pain. I think the issue is much more about how you feel about yourself than how your boyfriend feels about you. If you truly could accept yourself, put a high value on your feelings, feel deserving of love and respect, you would not tolerate your boyfriend's passive aggressive abuse for one more second. You need to look in the mirror every day of your life from this day forward and recognize that there is a wonderful, deep, caring and sensitive person staring back at you - it is you! I suggest that you give yourself a three month break from any conversation with this fellow and then re-assess how you feel. You may be surprised after you get a break from his indifference, how your perspective on him and his behavior and your tolerance of him/it will change. Make other plans if your are aware that he will be in your town so that when he visits you won't be around as he would expect and you will spare yourself from being in a in a place of temptation. Treat yourself as you would wish to be treated by a good man. Don't put yourself down or make excuses for those who are not ready and/or willing to acknowledge you and your feelings. It is only natural to feel hurt and rejected when someone does not reciprocate our affection, but it is not a fatal wound. You can if you are determined to recover you will feel better than you ever have before in your life once you embraced self-healing into your life. You are worth it! You know you cannot and should not compromise the need to be treated properly - for no one. Love does not require that you lose your identity or feel ashamed. Love is meant to enhance your life, not ruin it! Your ideal-for-you guy will one day appear in your life, I have no doubt, and when he does you will be truly glad that you had the courage to stand up for yourself with dignity and self-respect. Trust that little voice inside you when it tells you the truth. There is a psychology behind your boyfriend's approach with you and it is known as the power of intermittent reinforcement. I suggest you read up on it on the internet. Make a plan to put the focus on yourself and your dreams and if, and that's a big if, this guy wakes up and realizes what he is missing, then more power to you both. If you continue to accept the relationship as it his, on his terms, you will win only self-deception and prolong the misery you are going through now. If you continue to do the pursuing and he has all the control in the relationship he will know he has the prize without ever having to prove himself worthy of you. Make up your mind to stay strong and please know that you do not owe him an explanation of any kind. Today, my dear, and from this day forward, allow him the chance to miss you and if he does he will be in touch again. And if not, you are not missing anything, you are being saved from more heartbreak. Don't be as available as you are now. Hold back until he makes the genuine effort to win your trust. No matter what happens he owes you an apology for disregarding your needs for so long. But I caution you not to make your life all about him because you will be happier if you first find out all about you! Life is short - don't waste your precious time hoping for something life may indeed be trying to protect you from so that it can deliver you something much better. Whomever you end up with, if you make it your mission to first love yourself, you will choose someone who will cherish you the way you deserve to be cherished. Take it from someone who has lived through it, you have no idea how kind life can be once you show kindness to yourself while resisting the urge to let anyone demean you. For many of us, it is the events in our childhood which leave scars and damage our self-esteem, but adults are responsible to themselves to make sure the future overcomes the past so it will not be repeated in generations to come. I really believe you can do it! All the best!
Your friend in Canada
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A
female
reader, Sparkster +, writes (30 March 2009):
Sparkster is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice to know there are other people in my boat ;) Even though it does hurt a lot, at the same time seeing him and talking to him also makes me feel good.. so it's really difficult to end the relationship even though I don't think things are ever going to change. I don't think I can break up with him, but hopefully if he truly doesn't care about me he will break up with me. I just don't know how he feels. Thanks for your input and good luck! I hope your bf is more receptive than mine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Girl, its like im reading my own life.
I recently went through exactly the same thing as you, but it seems that your boyfriend seems to be a little bit more hard to work with.
Pretty much, we nearly broke up the other day, there was lots of crying and everything. He was saying that he understood he was treating me like crap, but he didn't know why he wasnt calling me or texting me, he just wasn't. So i told him that if he wanted to keep me he was going to have to change, but i did it in a really calm way.
When he comes down to visit, we're going to talk about this properly and stuff.
My advice to you...
Leave him if you don't know or can't seem to get your message through to him, whats the point of being in a relationship if there's just pain right?
If you want to try and save your relationship, wait to meet up, then, in a really calm way, talk about it, how it makes you feel.
Regarding keeping your feelings under control, you just have to have faith that you and your boyfriend are strong enough and love each other enough to be able to get through this. If you don't think you can believe it, maybe its time to walk away??
x
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