A
female
age
51-59,
*ouston13
writes:I am thinking about my leaving my husband of 13 years. I am 42 and he is 52. I met him 2 years after I divorced my violent first husband. My current husband is not violent, but I think he is controlling; I had no self-confidence when I met him and I let him take charge of everything. I now have a reasonably well-paid job and 3 years ago I started studying for a degree with the Open University.We have not had sex for 2 years and it was infrequent before that. He doesn’t appear to want sex and I am no longer attracted to him. I have tried to discuss with him his habit of telling me what to do, but he says that I am imagining it, that I only think this way because of my abusive first marriage and childhood. I have tried to leave, but he became so distraught that I backed down. He's said that I will never meet anyone who loves me as much as he does and given my track record with men, he's probably right. I had a night out with girlfriends recently for the first time in years and found to my surprise that I was being chatted up; I think that maybe I’m not unattractive. My husband is a decent man and I feel terrible that I will hurt him; he has taken care of me all these years. The easiest option is for me to stay; he will be happy and I won’t have to manage on my own, but I know that nothing will change. I’m wondering though if maybe I’m just getting carried away because I got chatted up a few times? I’d be grateful for some advice.
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divorce, no longer attracted, university, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2008): I'll only say that separation doesn't mean divorce, and even divorce is a long process that can be stopped at any point. I suggest you both use this time apart to seriously work on yourselves; you need to be more independent and confident of yourself, and your husband needs to get a life with some additional interests that get him involved and interesting enough to himself that he's interesting to you. He also needs to learn to not be so overbearing, it will cause problems in any future relationship, with you or anyone else.
I don't know if he masturbates or views porn or what, but I'd say it's time for him to do *something* to retrigger his sex drive; 50 is NOT so old that he gives up sex without a really good reason. Even low-drive men want sex on a regular, if infrequent, basis. This separation may be the crisis that finally convinces him to deal with this situation.
Best of luck to both of you, and I hope this separation proves a good thing for your marriage in the long term.
A
female
reader, Houston13 +, writes (21 August 2008):
Houston13 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAn update: my husband and I agreed to separate yesterday. We are both devastated because we are best friends, but I don't feel able to work on the problems in our sex life, I cringe when he touches me. Now I'm in the process of looking for somewhere to live and am absoultely terrified of being on my own, but also excited about being my own boss again. Our separation appears to be amicable and I'm hoping it will mean we can remain friends. Thanks for the advice that I got, it was so good to have some feedback and thanks for caring. I'm sure I'll be back for more! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Dear Poster
I have only one suggestion: COUNSELING for both; but if he is not prepared to go, I recommend you still go; don't give up on your marriage without trying all avenues;
there could be numerous problems; but best will be to try and have these issues adresses and to try and have them dealt with and resolved; Get professional help. It is not to late yet.
Don't give up; sexual attraction can be reignited.
Best wishes and hope you can resolve this.
Lots of hugs and smiles.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Personally I think some couple counselling could be very useful in this situation.
Seems to me like you are talking to him and he is not listening and maybe to a degree when he talks to you the same thing is happening in as much as you are not hearing what he is saying.
You came out of a violent relationship and ended up with a man who is so laid back he is almost horizontal to the point of boring. The sex life has never been full on and exciting and also there is quite an age difference between you, as a woman you are very much in your prime but your husband has gone over the 50 age gap and so he thinks everything is fine to jog along as this is where he is happiest at. He thinks by being a provider he is fulfilling his role and nothing else is required.
However, I think the spice in your life needs to be reinjected and unless a third party proves this or looks in on your relationship with unbiased eyes things will not alter at all.
I think you need to go through this as some of the issues from your previous marriage could still be with you right now and until you resolve these it would then go on to any new relationships in the future.
I think you need to do this for both your sakes, if however your husband is reluctant then you need to decide what your next move is and if your life is not fulfilling then you need to make the most out of your life.
After all we are here only once but by trying the counselling route at least you have tried all avenues before you quit.
Good luck and keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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