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anonymous
writes: Why is it so hard to prove to your wife that I'm not cheating? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2010): My partner has accused me of cheating for 9 years and in all that time I never have. There are approx 300 rules in place to monitor me. Some are: NO friends, NO contact with family, phones have to be on auto answer 24/7, 24/7 video surveillance in every room of the house, not allowed to go anywhere or do anything without his express permission, must provide all receipts with dates and times, must call no less than 1 call every hour from work and mobile phones etc and the list goes on and on....
I tried to leave many times, but he wouldn't let me. 2 years ago I got sick of all the rules and I made 1 male friend at work (interstate) and called an old boy-friend who is only a friend (who I haven’t spoken to since I started my relationship with my partner). In June last year, my partner found out about the phone calls.
Now things are 1000 times worse than ever. In his mind, me speaking to another man and calling my old male friend IS CHEATING. No different to going off and having sex with someone.
I have to stay so that he can punish me and make me suffer for the pain ive made him suffer and "for destroying his life" and proving that he is not number 1 in my life above all others.
Punishments thus far: Made me abort the baby I was carrying because he said it was someone elses. Said I had to get steralised. Constant verbal, physical and emotional abuse and it goes on.... He said I can leave anytime, but if I do, its proof I'm still cheating on him. He is a skilled manipulator. Catch 22. Damned if I leave, damned if I dont.
He tells me nothing about him/his life, everything is secret, doesn't talk to me (Yes/No only). There is absolutely no trust and he says he will never trust me EVER because its only a matter of time before I do it again. Its about what I'm capable of doing! He says nothing will change unless I give him 100% proof that I'm not cheating: emailing, telephoning, sms'ing, leaving the house or having any contact with any1.
Everything I offer to put in place to prove I’m not doing anything of it, he can think of a way around it and that voids it as a method of proof. I even offered taking a polygraph, but he said that unless it is accepted in a court of law, it is not acceptable to him as proof either.
I do my best not to do anything wrong or do anything that will set him off, but I know I cant be 100% 24/7 and that I will have to find a way to leave.
The conclusion I have come to is this... He believes it to be true, therefore it is.
He believes I'm capable of cheating again, therefore I will.
His suspicions now have grounds, therefore all future suspicions are correct.
He will never trust me again, therefore there is NOTHING I can ever do that will change what he believes or what he thinks.
There is no hope of proving what he does not and will not ever believe!
A
female
reader, nelly09  +, writes (28 November 2009):
my boyfriend thinks the same thing we have been together for 4 years and we have been fine till now. he looks for stains on my clothes goes through the trash and smells my parts. he has gone wayyy too far an i want to be with him forever but i dont no if i can take it im going to do my best to prove it to him though
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008): i know what you mean,, my wife is dead set on proving that i cheat on her. i can't do anything.. i can't work overtime, i can't do anything,, she has even broke into my internet accounts to try and prove that i'm cheating. yes she proved by doing that that i talk to people but no,, i never met anyone or cheated on her.. if she keeps it up i may end up doing that,, but that may be what she wants. my wife has a weired therie and it is a stupid one. if i have or make new male friends,,i'm gay,,if i have women or new women friends,,well i'm cheating,,i'm in a no win situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2005): I was married for 2yrs and my husband accused me of cheating on him almost every day. I never cheated on him. He had me followed, had my underware tested, and who knows what else. We are getting a divorce and he still thinks I cheated on him. I tryed everything to change his thinking, I quit my job, sold my house and even kept a log on where I was at all times. This didn't help, It just made me crazy. So, I don't have an answer, I left because I was afraid of him not because I didn't love him. Helpme to understand how you can prove I'm not cheating.
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A reader, rach, writes (14 January 2005): I'm in the same situation, what I do is phone constantly and tell him everyday "I love you".The only way you can get through this is if you wait and give her time to think... Then before you know it, things will be OK.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 January 2005):
 It's because you can't prove a negative, and by not being able to prove it, you risk looking guilty. It's a trap, and a nasty one.You can look at why your wife accuses you, which may shed some light on it. Did you ever cheat on her before? People who cheat on their spouses are often serial offenders, so she may have something after all. If that's the case, you are going to need time and a lot of effort to win back her trust.If you've never given her cause to doubt you, then is it possible that she herself is cheating and hoping to catch you out to lessen her own guilt? Is one of her friends in a relationship that's falling apart? Maybe she just needs reassurance from you that you still only love her, after watching someone else's distress.Take some time to question her motives, calmly and without judgement or accusation. Ask her to work with you to find ways to calm her fears.Good luck!
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A reader, Wise Worm, writes (6 January 2005): Why does your wife think you're cheating?If you love her enough, take the time to put her at ease, it only takes a few nights out, phoning her every hour and assuring her that you miss her and can't wait to get home to her... She will soon relax and be waiting with open arms at home. These things take time, communication and patience
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