A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm worried. It's exams this year and next, and I think I may be suffering from extreme exam stress. My thoughts are blurred and I'm a lot lazier and disorganised than I used to be. I used to be a happier person when I didn't have coursework and examination dates to worry about, but now I've almost developed a phobia of them, and constantly worry that I'm going to do really badly in them. A voice in my head tells me that I'm going to fail, and that I'm not going to be the successful business woman I always dreamt of becoming.I no longer dream. I used to be a lucid dreamer (fully aware of my dreams, and having the ability to distinguish the differences between dreams and reality), but the dreams I now have are blurred, and I often struggle to remember whether events were dreamt of or if they actually happened. I don't know why this is, but it's worrying me so much.I've also become extremely paranoid. I feel as if I know what people are thinking, and always worry whether they're doing the same with me. What if people can read my thoughts, or feel what I'm feeling? What if people suddenly discover my split personality? The other side of me. The darker side of me. I am extremely good at putting on a smile, and generally being a happier person infront of people I know and love, in order to make them happy and not raise suspicions or awareness of my stress.It doesn't even seem that big a thing, but I feel as if I can't tell anyone what I'm feeling, simply because I can't explain it. I have difficulty choosing the right words to use when I'm in conversation; whereas I used to be extremely talkative and socially involved. Now I just don't have the strength, and really can't be bothered to join in, as I worry that people may think I'm odd and begin to dislike me. I don't want that to happen. I really don't want that to happen.I am also self-concious. I have a boyfriend, but can never be myself around him, like I used to be. I don't want him thinking I don't love him, because I really do. So much. But I'm starting to drift away - not just from him, but from existance, it seems. I always used to have this odd sensation in my dreams, of getting smaller and smaller, and gradually becoming so compressed that I could hardly breathe, and would eventually just disappear. I can definitely relate this to the life I now live. Fading away, slowly but surely.I don't want to hurt the people around me because of this. I don't want them to feel that I no longer care about them, but I understand that to care for others you initially have to care for yourself, and unfortunately, I can't do that. I have little self-respect, and often criticise myself and the actions I carry out. I chastise myself just for thinking that nothing's wrong, and that everything's going to be okay. Which prooves that, deep inside, I know it isn't.I'm not sure how bad things are going to get, but I've already experienced mild hallucinations. One time I thought I may have suffered from sleep paralysis, as I woke up in bed once to discover a bald, child-like, shrivelled figure laying next to me, but I could not scream or move away from it as it wrapped itself around me, slowly suffocating me. Fortunately, this is the worst it's ever got, and is the only visual delusion I have ever had. Others only consist of colours and odd shapes before my eyes, that others cannot see. But what does this mean?I am almost certain that all of these things are related to exam stress, as I've never experienced any of these problems prior to my GCSE years. But it could be worse, a lot worse. And what if it is? I have neither the strenth nor the courage to tell relatives, or even friends how I feel, as I do not want them to judge me. I've already been judged enough as it is, and do not want to be labelled as being 'crazy', because I'm not. Despite all of the problems mentioned above, I'm actually a fairly normal person, and can have fun when I want to, but when I don't... well, these things are what happen to me.It's truely horrible, and I no longer want to live with this. That's not to say that I wish I was dead, because I'm not really the suicidal type, but I would prefer to live a happier life without all of this suffering. Basically, the point I'm trying to get to is - do you think that once my exams are over, I'll be a happier person? Do you think that this is even linked to exams, or could it be a much more worrying cause? Has anyone ever experienced feelings such as these? And, if so, are they temporary? I'm not pleading for help, but would just appreciate some advice or guidance, as I don't think I can face this alone. Thank you.
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2009): Firstly, you are not alone with what you are experiencing, I have been through very similar things, and still do sometimes.
I personally don't think that this is being caused by your exam stress, although it is almost certainly not helping the situation. It could be making you feel worse, but once your exams are over, I don't think your feelings will just disappear.
Would you feel comfortable talking to someone about this? Preferably a doctor or nurse, but even a friend or family member, or even a teacher, would be good. I do think you need to let people know what is happening inside you, otherwise you might just withdraw from the world even more.
As for facing this alone, you are not alone. People out there can and will help you if you ask, and you found this site, so people here can try and support you too. You can also send me a message too, if that would be helpful for you.
Take care. xx
|
