A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:*OP's own title* My girlfriend and I have been together a few months, we are both in our early 30s and things have been developing very quickly. We're seeing each other once during the week and at most weekends. A few weeks ago, I disclosed to her a difficult experience in my mid 20's with a past girlfriend who had been raped in a particularly bad situation. This rape had ruined her life for the best part of a few years, destroying her ability to have relationships, deal with her emotions, have any worth for her body or motivation to achieve anything good in her life. It was tough going - but thankfully she seems to have put her life back together now (we don't have any contact)Shortly after telling my girlfriend this experience, she told me that she had been "date" raped, in that after meeting a guy a couple of times, he went back to her place. She was absolutely certain when she said she said no, but he had sex with her anyway. She told me that in the morning, she kicked him out and had "angry" words with him. She never saw him again.This happened to her about 8 months ago. She told me that she only recently saw it as rape, and I could see she was certain it was a clear rape. There were also a few details she mentioned such as him mimicking her voice when she was saying no which made it seem definitely very wrong.I comforted her, and asked her how she wanted to proceed with this. She said she wanted to never mention it again, and that it didn't bother her anymore. Although I can go some way to block out any difficult images of what happened to her (and to not bring it up with her) my question is that can girls be raped and not find it a problem? It doesn't seem to have affected her, yet at the same time I sense these certain patterns that she has been abused in the way she switches from being really emotionally intense to being distant. I am confused because I don't know if I am unconsciously "putting on" things that I saw in my ex, or if there is a problem that i need to try be aware of in being more sensitive to her emotions.On the other hand, can a girl be raped and it not mess up her views towards sex, relationships and self-image? I still can't quite get over how casually she told me what had happened.
View related questions:
my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tjazzy  +, writes (26 March 2010):
If it's not an issue for her then it shouldn't be an issue for you. Go ahead and stop nitpicking.
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (26 March 2010):
I hate to say this but dealing with a rape when your senses are compromised by drugs or alcohol may reduce the trauma. If the guy spent the whole night after raping her then its possible that she was under the influence of an inebriating substance. Your X girlfriend on the otherhand probably was fully aware of everything that happened and couldnt switch off during the horrible experience.
Alternatively, your current girlfriend was somehow able to switch off during the experience as a coping strategy to survive the ordeal. Or she might have passed out. Either way, dont let this change your opinion of her. People cope differently.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): I would advice her to seek counseling as well. She only recently came to terms with calling it rape, which means she has not been comfortable dealing with what happened. The most logical answer is that of course it will affect her, but I have not been in that position either, I can only talk from how I hear others who have been raped describe their situation.
It could do her good to talk to a professional about it either way, to help her put words on it. But it is a very private experience of hers, so be cautious about bringing it up when she never wants to talk about it again. Or you can see if she really is fine and not do anything with it at all.
Some times though, we say things are fine, and we think they are fine, when deep down nothing is fine at all. And sooner or later it all floats to the surface.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2010): My answer would be that yes girls can be raped and out it behind them because that exactly what i did. When i was younger i was sexually abused and raped by my babysitter i 10 at the time but made the biggest mistake of my life by never telling anyone until i was 18. The only person i have ever told was my long term boyfriend. I didnt tell him because i felt i needed help I told him because we promised to never have secrets in our relationahip. Like you he couldnt understand how i could be so casual about it. But the reason i could be because i realised a long time ago that what wasnt my fault i cant change i will never forget but i will not allow it to ruin anymore of my life after all its taken away my chid hood. It has never ever affected my relationship with my boyfriend in any way. However, it helps that he is sensitive towards me and the subject but he isnt constantly going on about it he just lets me know hes there and that he loves me if it comes up and that all i need from.
If i were you i would let your gf know that you care about her for her and not her past, tell her that you would never judge her by anything that has happened to her but that you will always be there for her. you should respect her wishes when it comes to this issue. Because she really could be over it because shes dealt with it and accepted it in order to move on
Good luck =D
...............................
|
