A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I dont know what to do. Can anyone help pls?about 5 months ago my husband suggested we try a 3sum to spice things up in our sex life, to make matters more complicated my husband said it should be with an ex of mine (well i say ex, i had an affair with him a couple of months before)......all went well to start with, it daint half spice things up.things got complicated about 5wks ago when i found out i were pregnant. from the way things have been done between the 3 of us, i know that the baby belongs to my ex. things have been a bit strained between the 3 of us, but we have all worked through it.yesterday my ex said to me that his feeling have grown that strong for me that he cant bear me being with my husband as it hurts too much because thats how much he loves me. my husband has more or less said the same about things today. they want me to choose one or the other.i really, really love my ex an i want to be with him all the time, i love him so much, being without him hurts. i dont really have much love for my husband and havent done for quite a while (this is why spicing things up were suggested by him).so now i got 2 choices, my ex who i love dearly, or my husband that i dont love? if i stay with my ex i would have a good life, an we could bring the child up together, but i would lose me other kids that i've got with my husband. i know this because my husband said if i choose my ex, then he will walk out with the kids an even fight me in court for them if he has too.if i stay with my husband who i dont love then yh i keep my kids but i lose the love of my life an my ex loses his baby. i know this because my husband has said that if i choose him - i say bye to my ex for good. he said that the baby will take his name an know him as dad an my ex is to have no contact at all.thats the choice i get. i lose my kids or my ex loses his baby. i need advice. Has he got the right to demand this? if i had my way we would stay together as 3, seen as how that were how the relationship started properly. i dont want to lose my kids, an i dont want to live the rest of my life unhappy without the man i love, but what can i do? my children are 16, 14, 8 an 18 months, if the 3 older ones go with their dad like they said they would then he will fight me for my youngest one.even if i win then my youngest will grow up with no brothers an sister with her because they said they would go with their dad. he as hit the children in the past, but they still want to be with him, it makes no sense, why would they choose to be with a man that were horrible to them?is there anyway i can get away from this man, but still keep my kids as they mean the world to me? or am i doomed to stay with this man till death do us part so i can keep my kids together?thanks in advance everyone.....hope you can help me. if you need to know anything then please do ask, an i will do my best to answer it....thanks xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, blackberry008  +, writes (30 September 2008):
 Be careful, your ex might change when you leave your husband. You never know, like you never know anything would happen before you met your husband.
A
male
reader, gmoney +, writes (26 September 2008):
You should follow your heart, making a decision like that I would go off of pure feeling because either way it will be painful and crazy.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi again everyone,
how dare ppl judge me...
the reason i'm still with him is because all our married life he as used the kids against me.....i have had to put up with the threats that he will take the children from me.....he has threateded this by telling me i will never get custody because i suffer with epilepsy an will never be allowed them on my own.....
my youngest child was born with a heart problem an as already had 3 heart opps to save her life (she will need at least 3 more during her life)....i dont want him starting on her as she gets older.....she has to use an ng tube for a night feed as she needs more vitamins to help her grow.....i even get threatened with that because he says i aint allowed to do it as the hospital know he does it, yet when it were convieniant to him he used to ask my ex to do it (my ex lived with us aswell.....he were the man i had the affair with....tell you more about that later on).....btw i have now asked to be taught how to do it.....even though i know the hospital have to sign to say you can do it.....
i had the affair because i were lonely.....i sit alone every night, with no one except my computer for company.....thats how my affair started.....my ex were there for me an offered me comfort when i needed it most...i.e...when my daughter went in the hospital for her 2nd opp.....he were there with words of encouragement telling me things were going to be ok an to look to the possitive side....
me an my husband stay in every night an all he does is sleep.....(he is 45 an i am 34).....my advice to every one out there is never marry an older man......the only thing we ever do together is shopping, an thats only a couple of hours through the day.....
in my last pregnancy he went to hit me during an argument but ended up thumping the table instead just before he did.....i have asked him to leave the kids alone.....he says he would never hit a me, yet he went to once.....i tried telling him that the children are part of me an it hurts me when he is nasty to them.....it worked for a while but then just fell on deaf ears.....there have been time when things have really scared me an i have stood inbetween him an the children knowing he would have to go through me 1st.....i would rather him hit me than hit the kids......
now about the three sums......my husband asked my ex back in the house (the man i had the affair with)....he told him that he should have feelings for me if he wanted to continue to have a relationship with me.......my husband said that if my ex didnt then it would make it look like he wasnt serious about me.....so yes in that respect it was all my husbands doing as he encouraged it to go further an further......
my husband used to send me txts telling me what he an my ex were going to do to me on the night (sex wise) ......an yes i knew one day something like this would happen so i kept every txt that he sent as my proof that it were him all for it aswell......this way i knew he couldnt say he had done it for me, because they were his words not mine.....
right now i have tried to explain my situation a bit better, i will try my best to answer some of the questions the 1st lady .....btw the support you have showed were really kind.....thankyou.....i have given you a 5 star rating.....pls feel free to ask me more if you would like to know more.....
no i didnt marry because i were pregnant.....but he wasnt a bad tempered person back then.....he were kind an gentle an fun to be with.....
yes the only reason i am with my husband is because i don't want to lose my children.....i have put more detail on that above for you....but pls do ask if there is more you would like to know on that subject.....
yes a seperation were talked about when i were given the choice of my husband or my ex......i asked the children then who they would chose an they said their dad......one of the reasons i think they want to go with their dad is because, they oviously know him where as if i live with my ex then it will be a whole new way of life.....
i'm not sure if he as been unfaithfull in the past but i know at one time he wouldnt allow no one to go out with him when he went some where......he told me recently that he had, had an offer about 10yrs ago but had turned her down......how true that it happened or that he were turned down i have no idea.......i have suggested an open relationship so that he is free to get a g/f aswell if thats what he would like but he just said no he daint want to do it (but tbh at least the offer was there....an i still wouldnt mind if that were what he wanted to do.....i would have my ex aswell as him an he would have a g/f aswell as me...its only fair after all)
no my husband is very argumentive an he will start on the children for the most silliest of reasons......to be very honest with you all, he used to be a better person in drink than he were sober......but no he as never hit them in drink.......its either physical or mental abuse, an always in a fit state of mind when he is sober......
regarding my ex......yes i think i would still love him even in 100 yrs from now......i can talk to him about anything......i feel safe, an he dont blow hot an cold on me like my husband does....(while im with my husband i feel like im always walking on egg shells so i dont upset him)......when i am close to my ex i get a sense of softness, gentleness an passion, an i have from the 1st time i saw him......i have never had that feeling with my husband....not even when we were 1st together......(all told i have known my husband 31yrs....an all the time he were just a friend of the family we got on great).....with my ex, its so different, i feel like were ment to be together.....an thats a feeling i have never had with my husband.......
an no i have had one husband an i never want another one....my ex as always said that he would always stay with me but he said he aint the type that ever wants to get married.....
as for feeling if their love is true......im not sure with my husband these days tbh......since i had the affair he is always saying he is going to leave an that he has had enough......but with my ex, he has said to me that even with all my faults it just makes him love me more....his words not mine......
if we all stayed together as 3 then i can see us all having a very happy life, but my husband aint willing to see if we could all make it work.....but i really honestly think it could work......the reason for this is when i found out i were pregnant the children got told an were also told that the father of the baby was the other mans that lives with us an not their dads.......this needed explaining because if things had of worked out altogether then the baby would need to call my ex dad an not my husband.....had the children not known they would of tried correcting the baby thinking the baby had just got mixed up....(at least staying all together i would be there if things got out of hand with my husband and the children......i would be there to stop them getting really hurt because thats also what worries me if the children move in with him)
in regards to counciling i asked my husband to try this when our marriage 1st started to break down yrs ago an he said no it wasnt needed as he wasnt talking to a stranger.....
i know 100% the baby belongs to my ex an the reason i'm so sure is my husband prefered oral sex, so it were only my ex that ever penertrated me.....
thanks again anonymous.....an sorry this answer were so long winded but i felt i should answer all the questions raised so that ppl understood my situation better?......
thanks in advance for any helpfull advice.....xx
P.S....atm i am with my husband so that i can be with my children, but i would rather be with my ex and my children.....ideas on how would be great....
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (25 September 2008):
 and this boys and girls is why you shouldn't engage in three-somes and/or cheat and if you do, use birth-control.
There really isn't any advice I can give you, except to consult a lawyer and maybe get some serious relationship counseling so you three can work something out.
But it does serve as good warning for all others who are considering the same thing, three-somes really ain't that easy to keep simple. Feelings can't be just switched on/off even by men and pregnancies happen when you least need them.
I get the feeling this is even more of a mess then you are claiming.
Almost in passing you accuse your husband of abusing his kids, yet the kids choose him over you. So you were okay with him hitting the kids before the affair you had, and still don't seem to wish to protect your kids from a father who hits them just don't want to loose your youngest.
Somehow I get the feeling you ain't in any danger of being nominated for mother of the year.
Your family needs some serious proffesional care to sort this mess out and you most in need of all. You had an affair, took no action to stop you husband from stopping the child abuse you accuse him off.
I get the distinct feeling the only person you care about is yourself and that what you want is the only thing that matters. Your kids don't mean the world to you, or you would have protected them before. You didn't, you had an affair and then a three-some.
Sort this mess out and try to think first about your kids and their true needs and what they don't need is a mother who only thinks of herself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Hi dear,
Ahhhh... why can't it be like in the movies where the girl stays with the two guys and they all live happily everafter?
Your situation let me thinking, I may not be able to tell you to chose one or the other, but I decided to answer at least for support and give you an extra point of view.
The way you talk about your husband made me wonder why you married him in the first place, seeing your age an your kids' make me guess it was because you got pregnant.
If you don't love him anymore, why stay with him?, before all this you had already cheated on him and it seems like your only interesent in doing so is for your children.
The fact that they have already said they would go with his dad, makes me think you have already talked about the possibility of a separation. Staying all toghether when there's no respect or love between each other doesn't sound like a good option either. You'll be unhappy all the time and the kids will too.
Has your husband been unfaithful to you as well? Because it sounds like he loves you and has gone as far as proposing a 3some with a man you are attracted to just to keep you happy. Have you put yourself in his shoes?
I wonder why your older kids wouldn't want to go with you? Is it because of economical reasons? Is his father closer to them? Is he more linient? Do they feel safer with him? Do they fail to perceive you as a rolemodel?. Their decision is probably not based only on wether he hit them in the past or not, you didn't specify, but is not the same if he arrived drunk and hit them, than if they did something wrong and he hit them to educate them without hurting them.
Now, about the love for your ex, are you sure it's not just infatuation? Maybe you see him as a ticket out of a relationship you don't want anymore. Will you still love him in 16, 50 years? You can just marry him because you're pregnant with his child (and if that was the case with the first hub, not again!)
As for their love for you, do you feel it's true? Remember that they are both competing for a woman against another man, I hope it's not just like when a boy has a toy and then another boy says he saw it first, or that it was his toy... and they both quarell over the toy maybe one of them gets his nose running and the boy who wins feels incredibly happy, plays with the toy for a while and them forgets it.
As for how to decide, it's not all about who is better in bed, it's about sharing the same values, views on life, having each one their own but compatible goals and aspirations. This may sound stupid considering that you've already said that your husband is a horrible person. Why do you say that? Why do your children percieve that differently?
It also sounds like you are in your dilema because you are trying to please everybody (husband, ex, kids). It sounds like if what ever you chose you are going to ruin your family for a man (the old one or teh new one). If you base your decition on pleasing one of them that's probably what will happen.
You need to get in touch with yourself. What are your hobbies, your interesests, your goals in life and aspirations? As a mother of so many you have probably neglected all that for a long time and that's why this situation started as something very exciting.
In case you do divorce, about the legal stuff related to the children, both of you try to make it as clean and peaceful as possible for the sake of the children.
I think you should take sometime to yourself, take a break from your husband AND from your ex and tell him that, that this has been very fast and you need time to settle your head and that you won't be with your ex either (and keep ypur word) and tell the same to your ex. That will also give your husband a chance to see if he can take care of the children.
Once you have a clear answer, it'll be easier to cut the ties you need to cut.
If you think things won't become violent, maybe it wouln't be so crazy sitting with both of them and talking, you might even bring a bottle of wine (you drink something without alcohol) to loosen things up, and see if you can come to an arrangement in which the 3 of you can be together (if that's what you really want), it could atually work.
I'd also sugest that you start finding two people. And this is very important: a counseler and a lawyer. A counseler to help you find yourself and deal with your emotions, you can even have couples therapy with your husband or family therapy for your children. If this is being hard for you, it's being many many times more difficult for your children and its something that will affect on their future life and relationships, so they can use counceling too.
Choose someone carefully, you can't just go with anyone, try to find referals and talk to them and attend their classes of lectures if they have before choosing one, then select the one you feel more confortable with and that you trust.
The lawyer will be also necessary soon, even before you decide to leave your house, it sounds like in a courtroom your husband has everything in his favor to keep the children. START SEEKING LEGAL ADVISE, you might not decide to go through with it, or you might hire the lawyer later, but it's better to be informed
Whatever happens you are their mother and you should get if not full custody at least, visitation rights or shared custody. Remeber that it's not about quantity but quality, so always enjoy the time with your children and dedicate it in mind and body to them, payiing attention, caring, showing respect and expressing your opinion and concern for them in respectful and honest ways.
Whatever happens always talk to them (I don't know how much is advisable to tell them) but make sure they know were they are standing and what's happening, children are not silly and if you lie to them or they find things from someone else they'll probably feel hurt. (if you're staying with your husband maybe it's not a good idea to tell them you're pregnant of another man).Children listen and especially with parents with problems they are forced to mature much faster. (Good luck with the teenagers, this stage will be extra difficult, but it'll pass, just be there to guide and support them)
About your ex, does he respect you? love you? You'll be going through a lot and if you choose him will he be there for you? Would everything still be that great if the child you are caring was infact your husband's?
Why do we always think we are so intelligent that we can get in the most complicated situations and not get hurt? as far as things have gone some one is bound to get hurt. There's no point in crying over the spilled milk, now it's up to you to reflect about your principles and live up to them from now on.
Whatever happens, I wish you good luck. Be strong, be responsible, think with your head and remember that everything we do has consecuences and we must bear them.
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