Ex partners

, posted over a year ago

Hi, great aunts!!

Has anyone out there ever had a problem with ex's? My hubbys ex doent get in touch very often but she has moved 100 miles away with her bloke, so we have their son live with us, along with my son. The problem is when she does phone, like today, everything that she says to do, he nearly asks how high. I try and keep calm, and think act your age, go catch dinosaurs or something and then i boil over inside. Does anyone else have this and how do you cope! I try and keep busy, but they seem to talk for ages and yet when he puts the phone down, he doesnt say much. I try not to quiz him too much or show that i am steaming mad inside, but it pisses me off. I know he swears that she ran off with someone else and there was nothing there long before she went, but i just have this nagging doubt in my head. Yes, ok, i am waterloo and i can help people with problems, so why cant i kick these silly ideas out of my head. Tips, fact etc please.

Another big hug being send to my bestest friend mandy, hurry back mate we all love and miss you like mad.

xxxx

Posted on 19 May 2008 @ 13:53 (London time) - permalink
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Tisha-1, posted over a year ago

Hi, Waterloo! I'm afraid I don't have any experience in this area as me and my husband got married when we were in our 30s, we have no children, and so anything I say is completely without having been in your situation.

I guess having children with an ex would mean that unfortunately the ex is forever in one's life. But there should be some understanding on the part of the current partner that contact with the ex can be very upsetting to the other. There has to be balance in the situation, right?

I also guess that it depends on what the demands or requests by the ex are, are they reasonable or are they over the top?

I would also further speculate (lord, I'm full of guesswork today, aren't I?) that being quiet following contact with the ex would be a reminder of what's been lost, not necessarily a desire to go back to the good ole days (or the bad ole days, depending). Maybe some quiet mourning follows, I don't know for sure.

I assume, that you being Waterloo and all, that you've let him know your feelings on this topic, and that he fully understands your position. Even if he doesn't behave the way you want following this contact.

I guess it goes back to what the contact was about and what the demands/requests by the ex are.

Not much help, was I?

I'd let him know that I was pissed off but that I still loved him and that somehow we need to reach a compromise situation, best if it can be done with a sense of humor and support and love for each other.

Hugs to you, and to our mutual friend as well!

Posted on 19 May 2008 @ 14:46 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Hi Waterloo, I think we have to establish what is the root of the problem in this case? On one hand it is to be expected that he appears so serviable, if he cultivates convivial break ups, and esp. since he is interested in avoiding any damage to their amicable relationship for the good sake of the child.

With a number of relationships in our purse and the sense of power that should bring, I'm certain you have a stable connection, based on intelligent decision, and the EX issue shouldn't shadow this.

Perhaps he does not talk about her once he hangs up, to give the event a commonplace nuance, or may not find it proper to comment upon their talk. Or sometimes we entertain a relation of amity with a person pro-forma, when we serve a mutual goal.

If you want to know more, you could very well ask him, how she is doing, what news there are??? You do it so that you don't sound quizzing, only sincerely interested. Then he may open up more in this respect without you asking in the first place. But I don't see a case here, really, unless... there is more to add...

Posted on 19 May 2008 @ 15:57 (London time) - permalink
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Uncle Sneaker, posted over a year ago

Hum. Oh bother. I need to say this, but I'm not sure it's going to come out right. It's not the situation you are in. Quite the reverse, I think. I think you should know about it.

I found it very uncomfortable to see my partner's ex. He appeared a few times, and phoned a few times, and yes there was still something between them even though there was a lot of tension between them. There was his four-year-old son with us.

Finally he stopped coming round and stopped phoning. My partner was delighted, and I was a little relieved. I knew that he had told her he wanted her back. Our boy grew up seeing very little of his natural father, and showed little interest when he did see him - a few times over the years and that was all. Later, when he was in his teens and his father turned up, then quite unprompted by me or his mother he told his father that if he couldn't be bothered to make the effort regularly then he need not make the effort at all. That was the last we heard of his father.

He was a great kid. He worked with me in the business I run. He was everything I could want in a son. He was very close to our other younger children - with the usual squabbles between siblings, of course, but a serious, responsible elder brother.

Four years ago we lost him in a motorbike accident ten days before his 24th birthday. We couldn't trace his father. He probably still doesn't know.

It's no less painful losing a child who has grown up with you than losing one of your natural children. Worse, maybe. I don't know. But I deeply regret that he didn't ever know his natural father properly and that his natural father didn't know what a great young man his son turned into. We could have made more of an effort to keep in touch. I wish we had.

Posted on 19 May 2008 @ 17:41 (London time) - permalink
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, posted over a year ago

Thank you so much for you replies, i know it is manageable and that she is miles away, but sometimes there are ways that they look knowingly at each other and i just have to look away. They were married for 15 years and have two kids, that isnt going to be wiped away, whereas i have only known him for just over 3 years.

I feel that things would be different if me and my sons father were even speaking, but we arnt and he doesnt see much of him because he took off to USA and is now married.

Uncle Sneaker, i felt like having a good cry when you read that he had been killed. I send my biggest hug to you, that must of been so painful and horrible.

Thank you to all for your words.

take care

Posted on 19 May 2008 @ 18:40 (London time) - permalink
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