New here? Register in under one minute Already a member? Login

244988 questions, 1084410 answers

Dear Cupid > Forums > Cupid's Lounge > Beginning the year with a smile

Beginning the year with a smile

, posted over a year ago

Got this one from Phil this morning...:)

A Blonde goes to Heaven

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven...

Good!!! ... you're singing it now, aren't you??

Posted on 4 January 2010 @ 18:33 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

celtic_tiger, posted over a year ago

Where is Phil?

Posted on 4 January 2010 @ 19:56 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

Phil went to shit and the hogs ate him.

Posted on 4 January 2010 @ 20:1 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

Hell I think I saw Phil on the beach the other day sucking down some brew.

Posted on 4 January 2010 @ 20:39 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

Celtic Tiger...phil decided it was time for him to leave. but he promised to send his best jokes to me..i told him i would claim them as my own...lol but i didnt..honestly i didnt get that joke because i didnt know the song...so i googled the lyrics and got the joke. hillbilly woman...thats me. hahahahahaha

Posted on 4 January 2010 @ 21:48 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

This reminds me of Phil, whenever he could he would love to go out on his little boat and go with the wind!

Sailing.

Posted on 5 January 2010 @ 8:46 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

DEAR AUNTS:

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for my thighs.

Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans.

And then the thieves struck again.

My butt was next . I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long skirts.

Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a time What could they do to me next?

When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?

THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every night.

These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do they do it????

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on.

Mal

Posted on 5 January 2010 @ 15:47 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

eyeswideopen, posted over a year ago

hee hee sad but true...

Posted on 5 January 2010 @ 19:23 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

Hilarious Mal loved it!

Gina

Posted on 5 January 2010 @ 21:3 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

another philism:

A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods - to find out what the par is for this damn hole."

Posted on 6 January 2010 @ 15:58 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

and another.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go, you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family would admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, 'Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

Posted on 6 January 2010 @ 18:9 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

a little joke: the proud father couldnt stop cooing over his newborn in our hospital maternity ward. But when it came time for me to change the baby's diaper, the man's glee quickly faded. "wait a minute! that can't be my son!" he yelled. "why not?" I asked. "Because I'm circumsised and he's not!"

Posted on 9 January 2010 @ 5:40 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

Philism:

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year

old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to

come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID

ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error

before?''

No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it

out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

Posted on 15 January 2010 @ 5:19 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

From the day of their wedding, Sarah has been nagging her husband about his past.

"Come on, tell me" she asks again, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Honey" he says, "if I told you you'd just get angry."

"No, I promise I won't," she begs.

"Well, if you insist" he says, "let's see. One .... two ....three ....four .... you .... six .... seven .... "

A girl takes her new boyfriend home after the dance. She tells him to be very quiet as her parents are asleep upstairs and if they wake up and find him there they'll be very angry as she's not allowed to bring boys home.

They settle down to business on the sofa, but after a while he stops and asks "Where's the toilet - I need to go"

"It's next to my parents room on the upstairs landing, but you might wake them up. Use the sink in the kitchen instead."

He goes into the kitchen, then after a while pops his head around the door and says to her "Have you got any paper?"

A doctor walks into his office where a patient is sitting anxiously awaiting the results of a blood test. 'Mr Stirling. I'm not going to mess you around. There's good news and bad news. Which do you want?'

'Give me the bad stuff.' replies the man.

Calmly, the doc says 'You've got 48 hours to live.'

His patient howls, claws his hair and moans, 'Oh my God! What am I going to do? Surely there must be a cure!'

'I'm afraid not' says the doc.

'But I thought there was some good news' sobbed the man.

'Oh yes - that's right' replies the doc, cheerfully.

'Remember the beautiful nurse in reception when you came in?'

'Yes, the blonde with the big tits and long legs, with the tight white uniform' replies the puzzled patient, brightening up somewhat.

'Well,' says the doctor, leaning over to whisper in his ear, 'I'm shagging her.'

What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus.

Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and Odin, the King of the Gods, are enjoying a flagon of mead in Valhalla, the Norse heaven. Suddenly, Thor turns to Odin.

'You know, my Lord,' he says, thoughtfully thumbing his mystical hammer, 'being a god is brilliant, but it's been millenia since I've had any sex.'

Odin nodded and pondered for a while. Raising his mighty head, he took pity on his subordinate.

'Go to Earth, Thor,' he replied 'find thyself there what they call a "Lady of the night". Treat her to your manly pleasures.'

Bowing gracefully, Thor retired and followed Odin's advice, before returning the next night.

'My Lord', he said, grinning from ear to ear 'you were right - it was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times!'

'Thirty seven times?' exclaimed Odin. 'That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologise this instant!'

Humbled, Thor went back down to earth anf found the prostitute.

'I'm sorry about last night,' he apologised. 'But you see, I'm Thor.'

'You're Thor?' shouted the girl. 'What about me? I can't even pith.'

After two weeks of floating adrift in the middle of the Pacific ocean in a tiny boat, two men are forlornly watching the sea for any sign of a passing ship. All of a sudden, a huge hand emerges from the water near the boat. It leans all the way to the left and then all the way to the right. Then it happens again - moving all the way over to the left and then all the way over to the right, before silently slipping beneath the surface once more.

The men look at each other.

'Christ,' says one.'did you see the size of that wave?'

Posted on 16 January 2010 @ 21:1 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

- "Did you dance much ?"

- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."

Posted on 20 January 2010 @ 0:14 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not Is there anything you can do to help me? The doctor says, Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping.

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby slips it in and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby shouts, "What the hell was that? The wife explains, Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping. The husband cries out, Well snap it again its got my balls!

Posted on 5 March 2010 @ 1:42 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Add a new message to this topic