 Tisha-1, posted
over a year ago
Do I hand my excuse note my mother wrote for my absenteeism to you or to the head of DC's school? ;D
"To Whom It May Concern,
"Please excuse Tisha from not doing her DearCupid homework. She was unavoidably detained due to technology issues with her computer. Also might I mention the other reasons for her absenteeism, as reported by Tisha.
• If it's all the same to you I won't be coming to work today. The voices in my head told me to stay home and clean all my guns. (It has come to my attention that a number of employers, including the U.S. Postal Service, have recently made the bringing of a gun to work a violation of company policy, punishable by firing. On the spot. Is this a good idea?)
• I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour on Saturday, and spent the next 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source to the clocks while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled-up newspaper. Accordingly, I will be in late, or perhaps early. (If I was his boss, I'd make it an excused absence just based on creativity.)
• My stigma is acting up.
• I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine at Wal-Mart. (Perhaps this is actually the company's fault. Maybe if it offered a better health plan, its employees wouldn't have to seek medical attention from the world's largest retailer.)
• Yes it seems that I have contracted adult attention deficit disorder and, hey how about those 'Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no I don't want to switch my long distance to MCI. Who is calling please?
• I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come in to work knowing that my employee records may now contain false and misleading information.
• I'd like to come to work, but I've got that not-so-fresh feeling.
• When I woke up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
Let that be a lesson to my children readers (or just those of you behaving like children): never mix drugs. For example, when you're in a bar, never order a Black Russian. The Kaluha contains caffeine, a stimulant, and the vodka contains alcohol, a depressant. What's the idea here? Drink enough of this stuff, stay awake all night drunk? ( I mentioned this paradox to a bartender once and he pointed out that although what I said was true, the upside was, if you fall down you get up quicker.)
• The dog ate my keys and we're going to be busy hitchhiking to the vet's.
• I prefer to remain an enigma.
• My mother-in-law has passed away and then came back as one of the undead and we must track her back to her coffin and drive a stake through her heart to give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
• I am extremely sensitive to the recent rise in interest rates.
• I am busy converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
• I'd come to work today but the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I'm having difficulty arranging helicopter transportation.
• I refuse to travel to work until Washington passes a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
• The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me a jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I'm startled. I'll be back to work any day now.
• My wife and I are going to have a baby, and I want to be there for the conception.
• I got out of bed on time this morning, but I couldn't wake up my modem.
And now my personal favorite:
• I have a case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet, so maybe I can get there by ... "
Posted on 17 October 2008 @ 15:25 (London time) - permalink
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pepper27, posted
over a year ago