New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login245057 questions, 1084625 answers  

Dear Cupid > Forums > Couples > The Wife or Girlfriend

Go to latest mesage in thread

The Wife or Girlfriend

Today, posted over a year ago

The wife or the girlfriend? Well this is my question. I have been married for seven years. I got married when I was 22 and mainly because my wife was pregnant. Since then we have 3 children together. I have had 2 affairs on my wife both which she knows about. So here is where I need the help about 18 months ago I met a girl that I had a very strong sexual attraction to and our personalities seemed to really click so just like anyone else we started flirting and of course flirting ended up turning into sex and sex turned into a relationship. When my wife found out about the affair of course she freaked out. I moved in with the girl I had the affair with and lived with her for about 7 months before I moved back home to help with the baby to be born. I continued to see both of them during this time about 4 months ago I cut of ties with the girlfriend to commit to the wife but my heart never hurt so bad I missed the girlfriend like never before. So I started contact up again and the wife knows this. I have to make a decision the wife or the girlfriend. If I go with the girlfriend I really think it is true love, the sex is amazing, we have all the same interests and I am so happy around her. The negatives about the girlfriend are I am 30 she is 21, the child support and alimony, the guilt of leaving my wife I am the bread winner and she hasn’t worked in 8 years, the embarrassment of the divorce and the affair, and of course how the divorce will affect will children and me seeing them on a daily basis. So this is the cliff notes what do I do I have to make a decision. I just can’t keep seeing both of them. Please help!

Posted on 29 July 2007 @ 4:20 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Bounce, posted over a year ago

I'm sorry to be the one to say this, but you have 3 kids. Grow up, ditch the 21 year old and be a responsible man!!!

Posted on 8 November 2007 @ 23:53 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

I wouldn't be sorry. He's an arse. He must hate himself. No man who loves himself would sacrifice a marriage and family for 5 minutes of pleasure.

GET SOME COUNSELING ALREADY.

Posted on 9 November 2007 @ 5:5 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

lemontree, posted over a year ago

You're a 30 year old man, so face up to your responsibilities. You clearly married too young, and no longer love your wife, so divorce the poor woman, and let her find someone who will treat her right. All you're worried about apparently is the financial consequences of divorce, and a bit of guilt. What about your children?. You don't mention their feelings, or how they will cope without a father at all. So forget about your pocket, and do the right thing.

Posted on 9 November 2007 @ 11:12 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

sapele, posted over a year ago

My first instinct is to say 'you disgust me', I am in your wife's position right now although my husband has only had one affair and only been 3 months. I am desperately trying to save my marriage and all you speak of is finances - what about the children? Be a man, make a decision and stop playing with your wife's love for you.

Posted on 10 November 2007 @ 15:59 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

I can see some people here are a bit short sighted on this topic. Yes, he is 30 and he made the choices to marry young and had 3 children since then. So for sure, he has to take responsibility for it. You have to. That is the result of the choices you've made in the past. You cannot worm your way out of it no matter how stale your relationship with your wife is. These are the consequences of your past choices. You know that you need to be there for your wife financially and possibly physically since caring for children is a tough job, even if you cannot be there for her emotionally.

HOWEVER, with that last line said, it IS understandable that you have fallen out of love for your wife and have found someone whom is either A) much more compatible with your own interests and your own personality, and/or B) someone who seems to make you feel renewed again and might not actually be that compatible with you.

The problem here is your indecision, and not your unfaithfulness. Your unfaithfulness is a obvious given. The problem is your indecision to choose one way or the other, BUT no matter who you choose, your kids come first. EVEN if you lose your wife and your lover, even if you lose everything else, your kids come first.

In this case, you obviously don't have the same feelings as you do for your wife any more. I don't think counselling is going to help. Counselling would help those people who have a problem that can be solved if there is still an ounce of love and hope between the husband and the wife. In this case, counselling might not work because it's apparent that he has indeed fallen out of love. In this case, what he needs to do is choose:

1) The wife

or

2) The lover

AND regardless of his choice, his kids will ALWAYS be a factor.

To continue to lie to yourself in an environment where you do NOT love your wife and keep thinking about your lover, in front of your kids, while lying to them how much less affection he has for his wife is deranged. The best compromise is to leave the wife, go with the lover, BUT be there for the children, AND be there financially for the wife.

Yeah, it's easy to point fingers and say he is a bastard, jerk, asshole, and he needs couselling and take responsibility. NO KIDDING? Those are pretty friggin obvious, but it doesn't help him or the situation in any way.

We're here to help this guy choose a path of compromise within reason. We cannot expect him to go into one area for all his life because regardless whether he has a responsibility or not, he still has awareness and his own life. YES, it is selfish, BUT that's the unfortunate thing about human beings having emotions and the ability for desire.

So anyway, if the thread poster would come back and see this and still have not made your decision, heed my words, BUT no matter what your choice is, your KIDS come first. If you reject and deny your kids the security and welfare that they need, then you are indeed a bastard who should go castrate yourself. YOU MADE THE CHOICES TO HAVE THOSE THREE KIDS, now live up to them.

Posted on 11 November 2007 @ 1:24 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

It's called integrity. He did the honorable thing, but then must have loved her still as he decided to stay with her and have two more children.

When someone says they have fallen out of love-they are shirking their responsibilties. It's so easy to toss that statement around.

He can become proactive and instead of putting all his energy, time, and fantasies devoted to this new gal he lusts after-he could be putting back into his marriage.

It's easy to say he should just do what he wants.

Being a husband, and being a father means SACRIFICE. You forego alot of "freedoms".

No, you shouldn't toss away your wife who loves and honors you and devastate your children because you have convinced yourself you are missing something.

This younger woman...you choose to put yourself into this positions and wonder why you have to choose and complain how hard it is to make a choice.

Your wife's, children's happiness...or yours. Nice. Very good.

You'll be undoing alot of good years, memories, and security ...man children love and need this in their lives, because you are unhappy and wondering what you may have been missing?

What really matters to you? It sure in the hell isn't marriage and family.

Posted on 11 November 2007 @ 6:43 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

Integrity is one thing, but lying to yourself about your feelings, mistaking emotional obligation for love is another. If he can live up to his responsibilities, great, that is the way to go, but staying with his wife pretending that guilt and emotional obligation is love is completely and utterly dishonest and insincere.

SACRIFICE as you have put it is obvious. A parent gives up a lot of his or her own freedom when they bring children into this world, BUT that doesn't mean that their emotions will stay fulfilled and satisfied with their partners forever. Some couples can, others can't. That is apparent in every single failed or failing or unhappy relationship in the world.

The unfortunate fact about marriage is that no matter if you are signed in and certified as husband and wife or husband and husband or wife and wife, the whole period of life from the second you were born all the way to your dying breath, is all trial and error. Like dating, like being in a relationship before even marriage, the whole being together with your boyfriend or your girlfriend is a trial and error.

Throughout your experiences, you find what works for you, what doesn't and what you can come to a compromise for. As with all varients of relationships, marriage is NOT excluded from this trial and error.

I have a relative who's husband is someone I wish had not met my aunt. My aunt is extremely unhappy, and over the years of verbal and emotional abuse, she has twisted her own idea of her husband. She believes that it is her duty to stay with him because he needs her.

My cousins, both of them, but especially the younger one calls our house almost every day. He would talk to my mom for 30 minutes to an hour, and sometimes he will talk to me about his thoughts, his dreams, and other not so important things. He tells me that though his dad buys a lot of toys for him and is the breadwinner of the family, he knows that he treats his mom like shit, and he knows that his dad is very immature, and spend thrifts like he has all the money in the world.

In fact, what really pisses me off is that he invited a woman to live with them for free, in the context that that woman will teach him Mandarin. My aunt is torn. She was crying on the phone. Hell, she cries on the phone a lot. I can't quite count, but it seems like over the last 20 years, she's cried quite a few times.

Anyway the 'moral' of this story is that, as much as it is ideal to force a married couple together, you think that the illusion of them being together not in love with each other will never make it to their children?

My cousin know, they've known for a long time. The older one moved away from all that mess. She couldn't take it any more. She cares deeply for her mom, but she recognizes that her mom can't take care of herself, because the dad controls her life, every aspect of it.

Good years? Memories? YES, if everyone's first ever partner was the one for them, then sure, an utopia of love and 'integrity' will be great for humanity. Alas, it isn't so.

If that logic held, then that means if you were stuck at a dead end job, you should still make the most of it, regardless of how you truly feel.

YES, you can argue that it's different in a marriage - sacrifice, responsibility, consideration, care, welfare, etc. However, you cannot mask your own feelings with what love is supposed to be.

YES, like I said in my previous post which you unwittingly did not read and understand anything, he has to take responsibility for his kids REGARDLESS of his choices, but he cannot live being with his wife on the context of false love.

And I'm not surprised that you attacked me personally with your last line. Since supposedly I don't know anything about marriage and especially family. [golfclaps]

Posted on 11 November 2007 @ 8:33 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

, posted over a year ago

All he is worried about and complaining about is money, and what others think. This strikes me as shallow.

He should have been worried about is this the right thing to do, do I want to hurt my family?

He already did not want to honor his marriage and that whole unhappy crap, conflicted-happens to many men and women but the difference between them how choose fidelity and commitment is that they push through this indecision by doing what they know to be true, and hope for an answer.

They did not slink off and use attraction, and sex to run away from unhappiness. This man ran headlong into further turmoil, indecision, and unhappiness.

Being honest to one's self-he wasn't and hasn't been.

He loved his wife and choose to stop loving her. He choose to build resentment and "boredom" to take the place of tenderness, love, and friendship.

Dude...you made the choice when you slept with this other woman. I couldn't be her and be happy with destroying a marriage and a family.

You need to tell your wife, and let her decide if she wants a life with you. Being honest as Rabbit Boi pointed out is indeed the first step.

Your actions demonstrate you no longer intend to be a man of integrity, who puts his marriage and family first. You have become self serving and care only about yourself.

Your wife and family deserve an honorable man that will keep them safe and loved in a proper, responsible manner.

Posted on 11 November 2007 @ 15:38 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

ChristineB, posted over a year ago

I feel sorry for your wife and your children. My husband is basically doing the same thing to me and I know exactly what she is going through. I am despereatly trying to save my marriage just like your wife is probably doing. The women that you men are with are home wreckers with self esteem issues along with daddy issues.

Posted on 21 November 2007 @ 3:6 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

charli 1603charli 1603, posted over a year ago

i think its stupid. why go there in the first place if you knew you were married? u obviously werent thinking with the right head. divorce her, get rid of the bit on the side. then, concentrate on being a proper father to your children. what do you think hurts them most? having a father that isn't around or having a father that is around but is contantly arguing with thier mother? believe me, its the second option. get your head sorted, and give your wife what she deserves. and next time you plan on getting married, just think about whether your actually going to commit to them properly or go shagging about in a few months time.

Posted on 25 November 2007 @ 23:52 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

k1mmie, posted over a year ago

Whilst I am the first to say that you have to be happy in a relationship, you have not mentioned that you do not love your wife. You are a very lucky man to have a wife who has tolerated what you have put her through. Think about the shoe on the other foot.How would you cope with your wife seeing another man on the same basis? Would you tolerate it? Would you fight for her? If you do not love her then leave and stop tormenting her. If you do love her, grow up be a responsible husband and father and make your marriage work properly. She deserves more than this!

Posted on 12 March 2008 @ 10:2 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Add a new message to this topic

0.140569700000924!