New here? Register in under one minute Already a member? Login

67680 questions, 298164 answers

Dear Cupid > Forums > Site Feedback > Advice V Attacks

Advice V Attacks

David Lewis, posted over a year ago

I have noticed many responses to certain questions, where the reply is more of an attack than advice.

I.E. (Q) I cheated on my partner, now he dumped me. I am so upset. What do I do?

(A) Well you shouldnt have cheated then, so that is your fault.

I am sure the question asker already knows this, but has came here seeking advice, not abuse.

I am surprised at the amount of responses which are direct attacks and finger pointing. Surely that is not the purpose of this site. I feel our advice should be as diplomatic, impartial and unbiased as possible. I just feel that some responses, even from some respected members can sometimes seem very unprofessional indeed.

Posted on 9 December 2006 @ 21:46 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

martini, posted over a year ago

Totally agreed. Just like those cousin to cousin ones, and the sister to brother ones, and the cheating ones, and the yeah... I also don't like how the bulk of the posts attack the older man and way younger woman ones. The most common post would be "You should go with someone your age! He's some sick old pervert!" etc. Okay well that's borderline okay I guess, but others that you've mentioned - eg:

Q. I've been having sex with my brother in law and I want this to go on, but I don't want to hurt my sister! What should I do?!?

A. YOU TWO SHOULD GO TO HELL! GO! NOW!

Yeah... I think instead of such negative posts, people should at least give something helpful, or something to wake them up - eg:

A. Well, you can't not hurt your sister, even if she doesn't know about. What you're doing is obviously wrong. I say, totally break this off. She's your sister, you said you don't want to hurt her. He's your brother in law, holy crap. In fact, he should have left her a long time ago and pursued a sexual relationship with you instead.

Posted on 9 December 2006 @ 22:57 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

tux, posted over a year ago

ut it's too much to attack them back. ;) but yes some go too far and i've seen worse that never seen the light of day :D a lot of people take things too personal and let their emotions get the best of them..

Posted on 10 December 2006 @ 7:51 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

stina, posted over a year ago

I totally agree with you - sometimes I'm shocked that some mods pass these answers through! When it comes to seeing these sort of answers in the mod area, I have always either edited the them so that it's not so mean (like taking out "dumbass" at the end of every sentence, etc), or else I've just deleted the answer completely. I think some mods just need to look at what they're approving more closely so that this doesn't happen so frequently.

Posted on 10 December 2006 @ 17:52 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Dr Pete, posted over a year ago

I agree, usually in advice giving roles, you give advice that is best for the person who needs it, you never judge them. Whatever you say, it is to help them, Negative statements such as "Wow, you're such a slag" will only ever do harm.

I think sometimes its hard to be objective, and attacking statements usually come from someone who has a personal agenda (the mistress is attacked by the wife who was cheated on) or by people who are just completely ignorant to a situation (you filthy pervert desiring your sister, I hope you burn in hell)

Maybe someone who has an excessively high number of "very poor" advice ratings should get a grey coloured heart with an alt tag that says "voted worst advice giver" !!! Or maybe those moderating answers could be a tiny bit more careful. We get a lot of questions and answers these days I'm sure loosing a few more answers per week isn't going to negatively affect the website.

Posted on 10 December 2006 @ 17:54 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

martini, posted over a year ago

++"voted worst advice giver"++

[shyly raises hand]

Can I have a devil's face icon next to my name? 8]

Seriously though, I think I can see the 'benefits' of a grey heart, but what would that grey heart base on - the rating from the question asker or the people who read and rate his/her posts?

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 0:4 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

eddie, posted over a year ago

Lets be honest. In order to give somebody advice, "good" advice, you need to hear the entire story. So lets promote better communication from the question asker. Instead of....Should I cheat on my wife...., perhps the person asking the question should provide as much detail as possible. There are some very vague questions asked. Some are so strange they couldn't possible be real. And, some are so terrible that peole need to be told point blank....."DON'T DO THAT" !!

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 2:50 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

martini, posted over a year ago

I also suggested a FAQ a few months ago to one of the members here, then I think someone else also suggested here at the forums. I think some of the most common questions should be listed in one area, and yeah... I can't really explain this properly without creating a flowchart. Sorry.

Cuz there are so many repeated questions - eg: "I am a woman, and I think of women sexually. Does that mean I am a bisexual or lesbian?" OR "Is it wrong for a 14 year old to have sex with a 25 year old?" OR "Is it possible to love more than one person?"

Also I agree with Eddie that a lot of the questions are too vague, and so many question askers ALWAYS leave out some important details - eg: "My bf calls me bad names and we've been dating for X amount of years. When we fight, I also call him bad names, but now he doesn't know if we should be together." Then later on after everyone has given their points, that person says, "He also beats me up." You know what I mean? Or "I want to have sex with my friend! WHAT SHOULD I DO! I love him so much." After some comments, she comes out and tells us that she is underage... You know what I mean?!?

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 11:19 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

vina_101, posted over a year ago

I agree to all what you say. Helping instead of condemning. But sometimes the question askers know full well that what they are doing is 'wrong' and they just come on this website for comfort, hoping that people will tell them what they want to hear and not the actual 'truth'. What they want is for people to tell them that they are right when they know they are 'wrong.'

Sugar coating doesn't help and neither does condemning and the agony aunts & uncles need to find a way of getting the right balance.

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 11:42 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

eddie, posted over a year ago

I agree with vina 101. Some people need to hear things point blank. They are really only looking for excuses to continue bad behaviour.

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 11:47 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

vina_101, posted over a year ago

I'd just like to add also... ie. people posting questions and then suddenly revealing another twist to the story halfway through, yeah it is annoying. And when you answer really shocking questions it's difficult to know where to draw the line. Is it right to give comforting words to a 'sick pervert?' Questions like "I have sexual thoughts about my 8 year old daughter. Does that make me a bad person?" They know the answer to their question already but they post it anyway. And then when the agony aunts/uncles state the obvious like "Get help, this is wrong" it comes across as condemnation. Where do you draw the line? :(

That's why I tend to stay away from that sort of question.

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 11:57 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Irish49, posted over a year ago

I think as Aunts, we do have to remember that an incredible amount of teen youth write in with problems. Yes a lot of those questions can be just some bored kid 'goofing off' with nothing better to do. Usually , you can pick those ones out, pretty quick. But I do think if a posting comes in and no age is stated, it's just common sense to always be cautious and responsible when answering those questions. Added to that, compassion and restraint should be also be used.

It's easy to get sarcastic, impatient and blaming, as that's the first reaction many of us feel, when the answers seem so obvious to us. But the responsibility comes into play, when we think it out for a few minutes and answer the question, in a respectable, but straightforward manner.

Posted on 11 December 2006 @ 15:8 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

DearCupid, posted over a year ago

Insulting or harmful advice should never be approved - if anyone sees it PM me... I don't have time to keep on top of everything.

I'm putting back on AnswerID's to the site for mods so they can retrospectively remove inappropriate answers.

Andrew.

Posted on 12 December 2006 @ 12:53 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

martini, posted over a year ago

Well from time to time, I might say something 'a bit' hurtful, so if you do happen upon those posts of mine, please delete them. Sometimes after I post them, I realize my mistakes and wished I could take them back. Ah, sometimes the off-switch to emotions would be nice.

Posted on 12 December 2006 @ 14:23 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

DearCupid, posted over a year ago

Martini... you're more cheeky than insulting! ;-)

Posted on 12 December 2006 @ 20:40 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

willywombat, posted over a year ago

We need to be careful that some mods don't abuse the ability to delete messages they don't agree with or that people are taking offence at things jsut because it is a difference to their own opinion....or something, wow, I am waffling tonight....

Posted on 12 December 2006 @ 23:42 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Sally R. Cinnamon, posted over a year ago

It is always possible to put over a message with compassion. If it is polite and not in capitals, it is actually much more likely to sink in to the question-asker. If you say "YOU LYING CHEAT" to a lying cheat, they won't take it in. You have to point out carefully what they are doing wrong and make them see sense.

But I think the most ugly answers are actually those that don't pay respect to the question itself. It's not just straight insults, but the mocking answers which pain me. E.g. Someone talked about Hitler's wanting his niece to pee on his face in reply to whether golden showers were okay or not. And there's a lot of posts which make fun of the question from a mum about a 10-year-old masturbating ("buy two vibrators and ask her to help you." and "do tell me what household products an 11-year-old can use for masturbating.")

Andrew - would it be possible to have a red-flag on a post? So we could indicate if we felt something was abusive or hurtful? Red-flags would then be brought up for moderation again - and possibly removed. Perhaps we could have a private discussion forum for moderators to discuss which red-flags should be removed? I think it would be good if there was a way to salvage posts which got through the moderation process the first time around. Or perhaps we could have a way of deferring an answer for a group decision when we came across it during moderation?

-Sally

Posted on 13 December 2006 @ 5:3 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

martini, posted over a year ago

[chuckles] I know this asking too much, but I like stressing "OPEN COMMUNICATION", and I too also hate using capitals. A bold feature would be nice... 8D

Posted on 13 December 2006 @ 5:37 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

DearCupid, posted over a year ago

I like the red flag idea Sally

I'll actually have a play around to see if the new rating star system brings up those answers which should be looked at again.... now getting many more ratings so the quality is better.

Will report back shortly.

Pete has requested a private mods forum (err about a zillion times) and the more I think about it the more useful it would be just need to figure out how best to go about it.

Thanks

Andrew

Posted on 13 December 2006 @ 7:46 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Jadzia1127, posted over a year ago

Oh a private Mod forum would be great!!!! There seems to be plenty of questionable answers and questions that come up. It would be nice to have a place to pick other mod's brains for what they think on touchy postings.

Then there are those prank 'questions' that are just unrealistic, without imagination, usually gross, and a waste of cyber space.

Don't get me wrong I really enjoyed the laugh, out of the posting, from the teen who thought he was an inebriated alien. It was obviously a silly kid prank, and the answers mirrored that.

Posted on 15 December 2006 @ 0:46 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Sexybum, posted over a year ago

I like the idea of a private mod forum it would be really good to be able to get other mods points of view on soem things.

I'm really gald this conversation was bought up.... When I came back onto this site there was a question titled Brotherly love and I was astounded to see soem of teh answers taht had been through.... Go to Hell... Your filth... Burn on a steak!!!! I was so shocked that I just didn't know how to turn it round so I had a blast at all the crappy answers then made a feeble attempt at giving soem 'advice' to them....

After I doen that I noticed a number of other people actually started to give more beneficial advice... Unfortunatly I think that the person who asked teh question had already been scared off and hurt by DearCupid. I don't think they have seen the good advice that in teh end they were given and this is because of all the nasty insults that were previously thrown at them

Posted on 15 December 2006 @ 14:49 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Sexybum, posted over a year ago

I think that as moderators... yes we need to stay on top of releasing answers and question and moderating what goes through or not..... We also need to take a more pro-active stance around the 'visible' web site

As in we could enter threads and give comments or 'telling offs' if teh thread is taking a turn for the worse.... You know what I mean we should be take it upon ourselves as moderators to keep everything in check.... Let people know that we are there and are activly watching the answers and that we can ban people if we wish.

I mean this site is so beneficial to all the people who use it.... When I am asnwering a question I try to remeber hwo I felt when I was searching the web for help.... Everyone should try and remeber how they felt when they stumbled across teh website and remember that that is how these question askers feel.

Posted on 15 December 2006 @ 14:53 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

DearCupid, posted over a year ago

Hi Sexybum

Some good ideas in your messages - but my desire is that all moderators and moderation is "silent" e.g. not publicised on the website... my experience with web communities is that active, brash mods just makes trolling worse because trolls / disruptors love to see a reaction. I'd rather just ban people and remove messages silently - or better still catch everything at the approval stage for questions/answers.

PS. cute new pic you have!!

Andrew

Posted on 15 December 2006 @ 16:11 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

DearCupid, posted over a year ago

SB: Private mod forum is coming (honest!) - and I emailed all the mods regarding answer quality this week, too... it's really something we should be striving for.

Andrew

Posted on 15 December 2006 @ 17:34 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Sexybum, posted over a year ago

Heya

Now that you've put that point of view I actually find myself agreeing with you..... My making moderators more visible could provoke a reaction and it would also 'tame' teh site ina way that could spoil it..... Yeah now I think about it I think my idea about mods 'telling people off' is a bit reactive rather than productive.....

Hmmmmmm............Good point Andrew x

Posted on 16 December 2006 @ 13:46 (London time) - permalink
(Log in to flag spam/offensive/junk messages to moderators)

REPLY TO MESSAGE or Start a new topic

Add a new message to this topic