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female
,
anonymous
writes: My question is quite unusual: I have been dating this guy for 8 months and in all this time he refuses to take me home or introduce me to his friends and family. He always asks to meet in a restaurant or pub etc near where I live "to save me travelling".Now I am sure he is married and when I ask him about this he just tells me stories like "my house is a real mess" "my lodger wont let me bring people home" "my mum would kill me if she knew I was dating a divorcee" Its hurtful but I still love him. I need to find out the truth!!!! I cant aford a private detective, I have already scoured the telephone directories and electoral registers to no avail and I cant follow him or get a friend to cos he is really observant and would notice a car tailing his and would go on a wild goose chase. Has anyone got any brainwaves??????
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female
reader, janleid +, writes (4 December 2005):
Wow,
This is a tough one because the relationship is filled with intrigue and some excitement. There is a lot of energy, the meetings, the confrontations, the searching, planning; but then there’s the pain. Where is it all going? Where is the wonderful intimacy that comes with time? Why doesn’t he want to celebrate being with a great person by showing her off to everyone he knows? I won’t guess your feelings beyond this point but I will say you’re justified in being worried.
A private detective will only confirm what you already believe and leave you feeling guilty for violating that person’s privacy. You’ve invested a lot of emotion into this relationships so no need to add guilt. Let’s think game plan.
The objective is to get him to come clean about his life, be clear about the relationship, and make decisions independent of his family (if his family is really even an issue). Poor Mama. Men sometimes plant these seeds because mother and wife being best friends is frightening. He’ll make a decision in his own time no matter what anyone says.
He sounds like a man that can show a woman a good time though. Let him stick around a while. Switch gears and let him take the lead in the relationship, and you take the advantage. Before investing anymore emotion think of what alternatives you have if he decides that he can’t or won’t make a commitment soon (within 3 months); but don’t let him know he has a new time frame.
Re-set the Meter:
What happens if you turn down a few of his invitations with no real explanation? What happens if you enlist a few of your girlfriends to go on a Caribbean adventure over a four day weekend—and don’t tell him? Not up for a big trip? When he calls and suggests that you meet him somewhere, choose another part of town.
If he doesn’t want to go there stay really quiet (10 sec. pause) and all of sudden decide that wasn’t a good place to go, say “Who likes to eat at that place anyway? Look at your fingernails–even if you’re on the phone (4 sec.). If he agrees with you and pushes for his choice. Tell him you’ll call him back, and don’t until the very next day. If he calls back right away act like he’s calling you for the first time, be chipper, but don’t use a high pitched voice. If he asks what’s wrong slow your speech down so he hears every word you’re saying and insist everything is fine. Let him pick you up, stock your purse with cab fare. You may or may not let him take you home!
The thing is to keep changing up on him. Don’t let him get settled. Every date should be in a new and even better place because you want to see how far he’s willing to go to impress you. If you’re at the point where you split the cost of dining out, it’s fine. You are sending the message that you up for having a good time and that the relationship should progress.
What ever you decide don’t burn out the resources in your area. Save your local favorites for friends and family you want to entertain. Let Mr. Dirty Dishes help you discover where all the hot spots are so when your new date asks you where you’d like to spend the evening you’ll have the answer ready. Stay abreast of which restaurants have the best lighting, service, live music etc. Planning around your own interests will give you that air of mystery you love, and men enjoy.
A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (4 December 2005):
 My instincts tell me that he probably has a wife and a couple of kids waiting at home for him.Or a live in girlfriend.It is rather odd that he hasnt taken you home or dates you where he lives,its just too secretive.Now you said that you are curious to have him followed etc but why go through all that trouble? You might as well finish with him and see what happens.If he doesnt call you and makes you the most important person in his life then you will know that he was a waste of space.My money is on him having a girlfriend or wife already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2005): Basically this guy is not worth it he has no manners if he is not introducing you to his family or friends.He is quite clearly not serious about you. The most important thing Is trust your instincts if you know he is having you on then get out of the relationship as soon as you can.
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