A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So...I met this guy online about 7 months ago. We hit it off as soon as we met in person about a month later, and the rest has been history, except for a few insecurities that I am starting to have. He's my age (24..25 this year), and is graduating from college next month. I graduated 2 years ago, and have since found a job and I am living on my own. I carried 2 jobs through school and still continue to work 2 jobs to maintain on my own. I have not lived with my parents since I left for college. I'm pretty self sufficient and I take great pride in this. However, since his parents have been helping him financially in school, he has informed me that they told him they would no longer support him upon graduation and that he HAS to come home..which is 120 miles away. I am in complete disagreement with this. I don't understand why someone would quit their job and break their lease because their parents threaten to cut them off. Ive asked him what he hopes to accomplish by doing this, and his answer is that he's "saving money". I don't understand since he has no job set up for when he goes back home, and does not have a solid plan for the future. I dont understand why someone his age is allowing his parents to control him this way. Why can't he pick up another job or more hours at his current one and handle his finances until he finds full time work using his degree? I was really looking forward to him graduating because I for once wanted to actually be able to go on weeknight dates, and have the freedom to see each other without class or homework interfering. He keeps on saying that its not something that he wants to do, but I'm convinced otherwise because if he didn't want to, he wouldn't. He also says things won't change once he moves, and he'll be coming to visit me regularly (since I won't be visiting him in his parent's home) but I honestly don't see that happening.His decision to move home has disappointed me. Especially since I work 2 jobs to maintain my own as a female. Am I being to hard? I know it seems selfish, but I have not liked anyone like this, and I was finally getting used to some companionship after about 5 years of being single. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Or is he just being lazy? Should I give a time frame for him to get it together? I am at a complete loss and he has made a solid decision and will not budge.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (14 July 2015):
 Like the other wise aunts have already said, people mature at their own pace and you'll only cause angst by trying to change that.
Maturity is only part of the issue here. The fact that he has no job set up for when he gets home and no plans for the future is all the more reason for him respect his parents' wishes. He has to eat and he needs a place to live and surely you're not going to support him. He may have faith that things will work out in the long run, but he doesn't yet have a bridge between then and now.
This isn't limited to age either. There are many people who, for reasons real or imagined, fear they can't manage on their own and remain in unhappy relationships in order to keep a roof over their heads.
This might be an opportunity to re-evaluate your future with him. I don't mean dump him, but maybe scale back your investment for a while and see what happens. You shouldn't spend your life bound to his parents wishes just because he likely will. This is where those degrees on the compass that didn't make much difference before start to matter.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 July 2015):
 He "allows" them to control him, because THEY are paying for the "party". It is EASIER for him to move back home when he is done with the degree, because he will get room and board for FREE.
Everyone moves in different speeds. YOU have been out on your own AS an adult for YEARS, he hasn't.
An ADULT take care of themselves FINANCIALLY.
You would have to decide if you can deal with the distance and HIS choices or not.
You can't MAKE choices FOR him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 July 2015):
 You are not wrong to feel anyway you want.
IF this is what he wants and what he thinks is the best and is workable, then you have to accept it.
He may very well come and visit you regularly. And he may feel the need to transition to "the real world" by easing out of his parents home in stages. first stage is no more fiscal help, then no more housing...
My husband and I survived our first year of dating 100 miles apart. I went to his place almost every weekend.
My younger son graduated from college at about 24. He went home to live with his dad and stepmom for about a year or so before he got an apartment with a frat brother.
Now at nearly 29 he's married, building a house and expecting a baby. Maturity happened in leaps and bounds for my son.
IF you do not like how the BF is transitioning to adulthood you can voice your opinion and let him know but there is not much you can do to change it. Everyone matures on their own timetable.
He may get home and find out that coming and going on your own without your mommy waiting up for you is worth the second job.
Let him go. but keep an open mind.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 July 2015):
 "Saving money" by remaining a dependent child doesn't really make sense... does it?
Challenge your B/F to become adult.... and give him incentive by telling him that YOU will only date an adult.....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): I don't think his parent's are trying to control his life. They're just doing what any responsible parent would do. He's left education so they're no longer willing to support him financially but if he needs a roof over his head they'll oblige.It seems to me that it's HIM that wants to return home and he's using his parents as an excuse. As you say, given his age there's no reason why he couldn't stay where he is and earn enough to live independently. He must have lived away from home for some years so I think it's highly unlikely that his parent's are desperate for his return. Also he seems set on this route, he's not procrastinating, so it's unlikely he's going against what HE chose to do.It's up to you whether you continue with the relationship. You seem miles apart maturity wise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2015): Because he has not entirely grown into a man capable of his own decisions. I'm sorry but some people allow their parents too much control over their lives. He falls into that category. He may have not been given enough independence. Perhaps you should give him time he might be serious about keeping in touch with you. But then again he might only like the idea of that. I knew a person who enjoyed the idea. It broke me for a while but I survived. You will find someone or he will come around. Good luck.
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