A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I got married 8 years ago. My wife is stunning, intelligent and everything that I (or anyone) could ever ask for. My parents were very happy when I introduced her to them, as was my brother. My brother is a couple of years younger to me and was married before I met my wife. His wife was always average, at best but it's life and his decision and none of our business. When I introduced my wife(then girlfriend) to my brother and sister-in-law, she was very cold. She made no effort to try to get to know my wife and didn't even attend our wedding. She put it down to the fact that she was pregnant and couldn't travel when in reality it was in the very early stages of pregnancy and she could have easily come. She flew down to our hometown a month before our wedding but was adamant about not attending the wedding itself. To this day, we don't know why. 8 years down the line things have only become worse with my brother. My father passed away a few years ago and my sister-in-law was a complete nightmare. In what was already a very difficult time for a family, she created a scene saying that she was "ignored" , that everyone likes my wife more and even went so far to allege that my brother and my wife were having an affair. My brother was understandably furious at her while my wife has always maintained a dignified silence and doesn't believe in retorts. She is bewildered and extremely upset at the way that thing have turned out and if you ask me I still don't know what exactly has gone wrong. My wife has never even had a conversation with my sister-in-law and feels very upset about the fact that our daughter has never got to meet or interact with her cousins. My brother appeared to have a miserable married life and from what little I have seen of his kids, they are not doing too well. My brother would tell our mother that his wife makes his life hell and he just want to divorce her but these days I see he is supporting of his wife even though he knows that she is wrong. She calls my mother from time to time and complains able my wife, saying that everyone can't get enough of her and how she is the victim. The mind boggles! A couple of years ago, my wife told me to speak to my brother and ask him that the problem really is. She said if needed she is ready to apologize to my sister in law for anything that might have offended her, for the simple fact that all of us should get a long at least for the sake of the children. My brother kept asking for more time, as he put it and at the end of it said, his wife doesn't want any communication with us. There was no reason given. Just no communication. My brother kept saying, when if she didn't want to talk to my wife and I, he would do whatever he would, on his part. Unsurprisingly, he hasn't. There were a few feeble calls over the years, which have now completely stopped. My wife and I wished his son on his birthday this year and it seems his wife heard us speaking to him, so now he says she's put her foot down. He says he will only speak to us if SHE is spoken to first, and we try to get on her good side. The entitlement and arrogance is mind boggling!Holidays are now spent in isolation and there is hardly any relationship between my brother and I.Does anyone have any advice on how to make things better? I am clueless about what to do and I really don't know where and how things have gone so horribly wrong
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affair, cousin, divorce, sister in law, wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (4 May 2024):
 The thing which struck me about your post is that you think you have done nothing wrong but you refer to your wife as being far superior in "quality" to your SIL. If you say that to complete strangers on a site, then I am willing to bet you (at the very least) give off that vibe to your family. Your SIL has probably picked up on this. She sounds a bit insecure anyway, so being compared unfavourably to the newest addition to the family must hurt her deeply.
If you look at your attitude and your feelings of superiority, is it any wonder your SIL behaves towards you as she does?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2024): I am beginning to think there might be some mental disorder at work here. My brother told our mother that SIL was recently telling our neighbours that relations with her in-laws are now really good (this after my mother told her to get out of the house) and she had a very successful trip back home. She was also telling people that her brother-in-law (me) is going to visit them soon and they'll have a lovely vacation together
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2024): "....she probably makes things up in her mind that upset her and convinces herself that your wife or family have done them". This is so apt! There hasn't been much of an interaction of all of us together but once, just the one time, my wife's parents invited my brother and SIL to their house before our wedding. This was the time she decided to come to our hometown a month before the wedding so my wife's parents thought they should invite them home, since she wouldn't be there at the wedding. She didn't utter a word, while my brother was getting along well with everyone. He and my wife were chatting and she wasn't participating in anything. She later created a scene saying my wife and her mother "excluded" her from everything and only focussed on my brother. "If I had to guess, she's probably a little unstable and explodes at everything. Your brother probably walks on eggshells around her." Absolutely! She's completely unhinged and my brother himself says you don't know where you stand with her. She can be ok one moment and furious the next."My guess is your brother stepped on his own dick and at some point, called your wife pretty or gorgeous in SIL's earshot. And since then, she has been jealous."My thoughts exactly. "Something is going on with your SIL and her life that makes her such a miserable person. It might be depression; it might be that she is just a bitter person. "My mother says she has gained a tremendous amount of weight and is almost immobile. She sits and orders my brother around. The kids hate her and prefer to be at grandma's house than with her. My brother on the other hand has lost weight and looks much older than his age.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 May 2024):
 Oh, your poor brother and those poor kids!
Sounds like YOUR wife did nothing wrong, the SIL is just a sad and envious person.
My guess is your brother stepped on his own dick and at some point, called your wife pretty or gorgeous in SIL's earshot. And since then, she has been jealous.
What can you do? Tell your brother that you will be there for him if he chooses divorce. And suggest that if SIL can't be civil maybe SIL needs to stay away from family events. Tell your brother to consider his kids.
And suggest to your mom to NOT discuss your wife with the SIL. If SIL brings her up, to change the topic.
Something is going on with your SIL and her life that makes her such a miserable person. It might be depression; it might be that she is just a bitter person. Doesn't excuse her behavior.
What a shame. My SIL is one of my best friends. She is pretty, extroverted and funny. I'm introverted but we do get on like a house on fire. I knew her before she married my BIL and even back then I thought the two of them would be a great fit.
I don't think your wife needs to "humble" herself to that SIL or try with an olive branch - I think SIL is a lost cause. And your wife OWES her nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2024): My husband's brother and his wife and very similar to this. She's also implied that I want my husband's brother, which is absurd. I totally get your frustration, it breaks my heart that my husband and his brother are no longer close bc of the same reason.
I genuinely think some people don't want to deal with in-laws and look for any reason not to, she probably makes things up in her mind that upset her and convinces herself that your wife or family have done them.
If I had to guess, she's probably a little unstable and explodes at everything. Your brother probably walks on eggshells around her.
The best thing you can do is stop asking your brother to fix anything, it's out of his control. Your kids won't know their cousins (at least as children) and your brother won't be around for holidays.
I'm sorry I don't have better advice, it's a heart breaking situation and you/your wife did nothing wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2024): It seems to me that your brother's wife was envious of your wife from day one. She doesn't like to be outshone and feels that your wife gets all the attention. She is afraid of losing your brother, afraid that someone will steal him from her. At the same time, a few of your comments sound like you think your wife is superior to your brother's, for example you refer to her as average and think she is arrogant. I think she feels inferior.
It seems you have spoken to your brother about this but not to his wife. That your wife keeps a dignified silence. That could possibly seem a bit snooty.
Would it be possible for your wife to write a letter to her and say that she wonders whether she has offended her and that she would like to be friends? Maybe the two of them could meet up and chat? It would mean your wife taking the humble position.
Your brother is caught between you and his wife. Obviously he sees some good in her. There's usually some good in most people. Your wife might to ask your mother for some tips as she talks to her.
I wish you well. I know from personal experience how difficult these family rifts are.
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