A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:When should I tell people I'm asexual? I've had too many situations where people (including and especially the guy himself) think a guy and I are dating/would be great together and I have to clear that up ASAP. I do the best I can to let him save face, to be direct but polite (and even apologetic, e.g. "I'm really not interested in dating or having a relationship with anyone outside friendship and I'm sorry if I did something to give the wrong impression. Can you tell me what I did?") NO ONE has been able to answer that question! I try to tell the guy privately but that's hard bc if they ask me in front of him (because I try desperately to keep us public/in groups as long as possible) but I really don't know how to kindly and honestly do that!I've received the cold shoulder from emtire friendship groups I thought I was making or from co workers (who took it upon themselves to play match maker even if I said, "Evan does seem like a good guy but I'm not looking"), or from the guy himself. Even worse, I've had on two occasions had to call the police (once into my workplace and another on a neighbo) because the guy responded very very badly to being told politely that I wasn't looking. I was essentially told to keep my personal life at home and not to be so over friendly and that wouldn't have happened. I never share my personal life! In fact, that's what upsets guys when I finally explain that I'm asexual - I get told "you can have sex, though, right? You could just do it anyway though if you loved the person..." and those are the most non-creepy responses I've gotten. I quietly told an openly gay co worker I was ace and she just rolled her eyes and said, "gotta have a label, huh?"There is an LGBTQIA+ group in town but even just listening it's full of angry liberal youth and elderly lesbians who are bi-phobic and don't believe ace people exist. I'm just now figuring this out about myself after mistakenly calling myself bi. I hated being with men but finally tried women and it was even worse (sex was grosser and even more unnatural and the women I tried to date were way to masculine in personality (I even like masculine looking men with feminine personalities but you can't find any), and it just... they wanted to rush things faster than men. Also, their sex drives were just as high as men. For everyone I dated (or tried to date or tried to befriend), nervousness translated into "horniness" and "not looking for that" became a challenge. I've told people up front and it's not taken seriously. I've told people after I've gotten to know them and I'm told I should have told them earlier.I am at an absolute loss.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2024): Don't try to make friends with males! If you're in your 40 & you still haven't figured out how to do that without anyone thinking you MIGHT be dating you never will. Opposite gender friendships aren't for you.
If you like "feminine personalities" (whatever those are), you're not GOING to find that in most straight men, especially if they're into sexual relationships. YOU on the other hand probably act TOO feminine which comes across as over friendly, over trusting, over the top, over emotional and over attention seeking. Those traits are why "everyone" thinks you're in need of a boyfriend (or girlfriend with "masculine personalities".
Saying your sexual preference states who you want to have sex with someday. Saying you're asexual is basically saying no sex forever and there's no changing your mind. Since most peoples sex organs have the same sensations and pleasures no matter which GENDERS they prefer, it doesn't make sense that you claim you have no desire and a repulsion instead. THAT is why you need therapy. It'd understandable to have a low libido or to not feel sexual attraction to a person but most people CAN and DO make the compromise once in awhile. You don't have to stay why you prefer to stay single, just that you do and it's none of anyone's business why. If anyone makes comments or assumptions or jokes, tell them to stop. If they continue, report them or get away with them
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2024): Anon poster: if I'm sending mixed messages, I'm not sure how. Even when I did say I was bi it wasn't, 'HI, I'm Nica and I'm bi," it was more like if it came up in convo or if someone asked me. I get SUPER uncomfortable when ppl talk sex unless they're just funny stories amongst friends. I'm a recovering alcoholic crack addict so I've had plenty of counseling but it mostly gets steered towards addiction triggers and sex trauma but not day-to-day social skills
That's where I'm not sure HOW I'm sending mixed messages. At work it's either been food (prep cook, currently in a NICE restaurant), or medical office work (in records or billing). You'd be surprised how many suburban "classy" restaurant workers, chefs etc speak or ppl in Healthcare but it's an unspoken rule in med offices which people can talk like what. I can curse up a blue streak but I do have enough social skills to know when to talk like a church lady. Still, sex will come up at work all the time and quiet ppl get prodded or commented on the most (I've been talked about like 40 year old Virginia to wild Dom in the bedroom without opening my mouth. I don't really hang with coworkers but I don't drive so when the restaurant closes I pay the sous chef M $20 a week for rides as does one our dishwashers Q and a sous chefs niece CM. That car ride back gets dirty and it was CM who made the label comment. I don't need a label anymore than she does but why is it ok for her to talk about vagina this and meat curtains that and even worse but I'm told I want a label? Why can straight as an arrow M get to say he likes his --- fingered a little but while they dont spread that around at worktime why would i care that he's straight and cis? More power to all of them, but im Confused for real! I think my
sexual non preference needs a name for clarification sake if it's relevant but my question is why not clarify w, "I'm Nica, pronouns are she/her/hey you/anything but Veronica"?
Sexual preference shouldn't be mentioned unless it's, "Geez, there's no nice men/women/aliens/who cares out there in the dating scene", or, "OH, you didn't know but I only date -----," "My same gendered partner and I stayed up all night binge watching ----, I'm exhausted." Well, THATS ok, but somehow, "I'm not looking/I'm ace" brings about 1000000000 questions I really don't like. I almost feel like I have to apologize for it bc it's rarely believed or accepted.
What does one do to accidentally send mixed messages?
HoneyPie: I don't hang w too many ppl. Some coworkers after work as I explained to anon poster, occasionally we go through a drive thru of McGross bc it's the only thing opened but we literally park in Meijer parking lot and eat and unwind. They're nice enough to express concern over alcoholism and if it bothers me if there's alcohol (no, I was a lone drinker), if it's cool if they spark up a joint (I don't like the smell and I have a weird thing on my lung I'm getting checked out but NOBODY including my sponsor knows). They elected not to smoke around me and simply drop me off first. I do a movie night at church (lgbtqiaa+ episcopal if it matters, we're watching and discussing The Chosen), but when one of the newer members asked me my preference (she felt compelled to explain polyamory and she's also mid transition m---f, fine by me but I really don't want to hear medical info, it makes me nervous. I realize genitals are body parts but I worked in a urology clinic and it made me nervous when patients would catch me in the hall, assuming I have medical
knowledge, I don't).
Maybe I'm too uncomfortable too easily? I overshare here because you all are strangers who won't do much with all this to harm me. People irl will.
I also go to AA meetings but I can't get far with sexual stuff with my sponsor because she only wants to talk the steps, I already shared my sex inventory and she cuts me off with, "no sex for now. I let you start growing herbs at your first year, now you have a indoor garden that flourishes. I let you get a ferret your second year and that was a fail (he's alive, I adopted him out") what makes you think you can have a relationship?" Ugh!
Other than that, both my parents who were emotionally and religiously and mentally abusive are dead. My older brother ended his own life when I was 11. My baby sister just died in childbirth two years ago and the other 3 are too good to talk to me.
I guess I don't really have friends so maybe it's not the asexual but I have bad social skills? I don't mean to
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 March 2024):
 Honestly, OP
Your sexual preference/orientation is YOUR business and no one else. I know these days it's all about having a "label", but people are MORE than just a insert label.
If your coworkers keep trying to set you up, I WOULD tell them that:
1. you are HAPPY being single (if you are)
2. You are NOT looking for a BF OR a GF.
3. You are NOT interested in being set up.
If you are out in group settings, know this, you DO NOT OWE anyone a date, an explanation as to WHY you don't date, don't want to date. But do not be oblivious if a guy seems keen. Just be VERY upfront that you are NOT interested in dating. Not them nor anyone else.
If you want to meet people who feel the same way, I can't give you advice, because I don't know where you would find other Asexuals - but I am guessing you CAN find some online, just BE careful..
The fact that ANYONE says this:
"I finally explain that I'm asexual - I get told "you can have sex, though, right?" Just shows how ignorant some people are.
Maybe you need to cut down on hanging out with people who feels it's their mission in life to muck up your life (I mean set you up on dates)....
Sorry you are having to deal with this bullcrap.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2024): Please forgive me if I'm wrong but it sounds like you're giving mixed messages. This usually comes from confusion within oneself. Have you considered having counselling? You can get it free via your GP.
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