A
female
age
51-59,
Abella
writes:I would be intersted to hear from others on what attributes and qualities represent essentials in a successful relationship. And what are deal breakers that can ruin a relationship?By a successful relationship I mean one where both parties are very happy, at peace with each other, the trust between the two is high, and they would not want to be with anyone else. To help me to clarify my thoughts I have listed some of mine below. Time and time again one hears sad and sorry stories of relationships that end sadly. Often they are relationships that are doomed from the start. But as people become emotionally involved it grows harder and harder to say no to the relationship and say, honestly, "we are travelling in different directions. We are both good people. in our own ways, but we need something else to find fulfillment"And sometimes a relationship ends when it should not. At which point we should, perhaps, be saying to ourselves, "this realtionship feels so right for both of us, so why and I pushing this partner away?" And one of the most common break ups occurs when we should, perhaps, be saying, "what is wrong with my self esteem that I continue to put up with this entirely unsatisfactory situation? I am not happy and this relationship is only causing pain"Rushing into any relationship when you should be working on your own self esteem is not smart. "Oh! But my self esteem will feel so much better if I am IN a relationship". No this is only temporary. If you have self esteem issues then they will come back to bite you. And derail your relationships eventually.(1)Your Self Esteem:How do you expect anyone else to understand you and get to know you if you cannot even articulate who you are, what are your own values and attitudes and what are your motivations, to do what you do? It is vital that you do spend some time to work out who you are.(2a)The Culture you grew up in:What is normal in one culture is not in another. And yet each culture represents the "norm" in each culture. Your Culture tells you by what you observe what that culture thinks is ""Normal" and valued and "right". That is according to that culture. If you choose to reject that culture you may find yourself isolated and out of step with everyone else. It can be very difficult to reject a culture, even if you think it is wrong. If you choose to relocate you will have the benefit of learning that just because the most revered color in Culture one is Yellow that in another culture the revered color is Purple and anyone wearing yellow is shunned. (2b)The Culture you live in now:You may have grown up in and still live in your culture. But in this fast moving world it is more likely that you have or will relocate into another culture at some time in your life. This is a great opportunity to grow.Even when you shift where you work you will find that one work place has a different culture to another workplace.Learning to adapt to a new culture is very good practice. Picking out the best parts of the new culture and retaining the parts of your previous culture that you value can result in a better and richer life. If you try to reject everything in the new culture and denigrate the new culture then you may find it much harder to fit in to the new culture. That is very sad, as you will miss out on many good opportunities. And it will certainly hinder your ability to form new relationships in the new culture. (3)Your Attitudes to so many things:I think a forgiving nature will make life so much easier. That does not mean you forget bad behavior. If someone has been Diabolically Bad then it is OK to cut a person out of your life.A non-judgmental approach towards others will also help you to connect to many more peopleA positive attitude makes you more fun to live with - if you are naturally Negative then try living in a positive mood for a week.(4)The Values you hold dear:You know what is important to you. I cannot tell you an answer to this one. But your Values are NOT negotiable. Know what your Values are. You DO have Values, even if you have not yet articulated them into words.If there is Incongruence between your Values and what you do then you will face lots of conflict. To give you some examples I will list some values particularly important to me.I like to be Generous about giving praise. It costs me nothing and can make a huge difference to the life of another. Where it is genuine and true and you recognise the good in another then everyone wins. I never assume that everyone else has it easier than me. Instead on meeting a new person I approach them with this view: "that I do not know their life story, and they don't have to tell me. But I will assume that Currently They Are Facing Their Biggest Battle Ever" I believe that there is never just ONE solution to evey problem. Instead I consider that two or even more entirely different solutions could just work and therefore I never assume that my preferred solution is the only solution nor the "right" solution.If I give my word I mean it. To me, Weak people are far more dangerous than Strong People. You can never rely on a person whose word you cannot trust. Or a weak person who vacillates and changes their mind easily. You may not like a strong person, but at least you are pre-warned. You know that they tell it like it is. You know where you stand with them. You may not like them, but you can adjust your own actions to deal with it.(5)Your Boundaries:One of my boundaries, and I know that this is because of my child hood, is that a person who is abusive or drunk will never be welcome in my home.I do not like Gossip. If it is happening I choose to exit the discussion and not contribute to it.I do not like Racism. I will say something, even if it gets me in trouble, if I hear inappropriate talk on this issue.I also would not invite a person to my home if I was aware that the person was a convicted Pedophile. Sorry but not welcome. I would never condone illegal drugs being brought into my home nor used in my home.If a friend was being abused in a Domestic relationship and I was aware of if then the friend being abused would be welcome but not the abuser. And I would do everything to encourage my friend to get support and help over the abuse. I never Lend Money and I only ever have borrowed from a Bank for myself. A long time ago I would lend money. But A couple of bad experiences has left a very nasty taste in my mouth. Maybe I was a poor judge of character each time. But there is nothing worse than being made to feel horrible just because one is asking that a loan be repaid when it is well over-due.if I am not sure of my boundaries in a situation I think of a person I really admire and who I know well and I ask myself "What would X do in this situation?" And I follow that lead.(6)The Deal Breakers in a relationship:Proven Liars, Cheats and Gamblers out of Control. (you can gamble if you can do it without getting out of your depth and use it as occasional recreation. But not if it consumes your life to the point where nothing else matters)There are NO "recreational drugs". If you are taking Illicit Drugs then get yourself into Rehab. If You say you can "handle it" and "stop at any time" then get yourself into Rehab anyway to prove me wrong. Rampant JealouslyNo TrustBitterness(7)Your Character:Know your strengths, your weaknesses, the opportunities facing you and threats you are facing. Address them.If you cannot list Ten Best points about you then you are not being kind enough to yoruself. or you need to do some work on you.(8)Your Backbone:If you have a jelly backbone then Resolve to Get a Backbone. A weak person is of no use to anyone, especially themselves.(9)How Diplomatic can you be when it Counts?:People feel better around Diplomatic people. Just because you think of something you do not need to blurt out everything you think, the very moment you think of it.(10)Your Integrity and your Honesty:You know it.If it needs some work then do it. A lack of integrity and a lack of honesty will get you in trouble all your life. If you are impatient to get ahead, by ignoring the need for integrity and honesty then you will come unstuck at some time in the future.(11)Your Open-ness:Go into any relationship and any interaction with the thought that you can always learn something new. But only if you keep an open mind.That is why it is so important to be open-minded.(12)Are you too Trusting?:Not everyone is your friendWhen it sounds too good to be true it probably is.A pretty/handsome face can LIE. Criminals can look charming and personable - why else would the Police need Fraud Squads?Look at a person's actions not just their Words. Their Actions count for more than their words every time.And if a person is lying to you look for the signs. Some people will go quiet. But others will go on the offensive and LOUDLY claim to be innocent of lying when that is exactly what they are doing. If the Bluster and claimed Hurt and the Defensiveness is way out of proportion then suspect lying.(13)Are you seeing only what you want to See:Are you being manipulated? Your partner claims to not be able to get a job. But you saw their car parked outside the local bar at the very same time they said they were being interviewed 20 miles away. But then they tried to defend that with the employer was a "jerk anyway". If the excuses smell like baloney then they probably is baloney. (14a)Your Good Habits:See under your 10 best pointsI believe i am a very patient person. It is something I have worked onI have also worked on being a good listener and I am committed to keep working on this. I personally would like to be tidier. And put my books away more regularly.(14b)Your Habits that need a Week in BootCamp to Iron out:See above in that I would like to be tidierI could talk the leg off a chair(15)Your friends:we All need friends. Nurture them. Listen to them. Treat them well. And it is OK to have friends who are yoru friends alone. And the same applies to yoru partner. That said friends of the opposite sex - some relationships can handle a few. But if a platonic friend becomes too close to your partner then talk to your partner. You and your partner should be confidantes. Secrets discussed with a platonic friend but not with your partner can represent a threat to your relationship. (16)Your determination, or how Stubborn can you be:If you say NO then mean it (17)Now on to your Perfect Partner. You get one famously. You need none of the advice above. what are some of the marks of your relationship?You feel completely at peace with this partner.You are affectionate towards each other.It is not a "laugh a minute" But you do have FUN together and you never take yorselves too seriously.You never take each other for granted and willingly compliment each other and remind each other when and why you like your partner or like what your partner has done recently.A good rule is Compliment in private and in public. But Censure (gently and diplomatically) only ever in Private when alone togetherYou keep yourself fit and attend to health issues as and when requiredYou can discuss anything. There is no feeling that any attempt by your partner to be judgemental.You have worked out some common goals. You can discuss things assertively. And stay focused on working towards your common goals.You have your own interests and are comfortable with each other having some interests in things that they do apart from you. (partner plays Golf, you go to your Writers Group)your Finances are well mamaged either together or by the one with the best financial skills.You each have some money in a sole use Bank Account that is just yours to spends as you want. No questiosn asked.You agree to disagree on some things that don't matter.You do not have to "Win" every disagreement. You like Win:Win solutons.You are well mannered to each other's friendsYou discuss private things with each other. You do not go to every other family or friend to raise private issues that you should deal with together - though you can discuss problems with a Counsellor where you know your privacy will be respected. It is OK to seek such private help if you really need it.(18)You have the most Diabolically Unsuitable partner? Then that partner is likely to have some or most of the attributes below:A lack of honestyLies to you constantlyLife is just one Criticism of you after anotherFinancial Abuse of you by your partnerDomestic Violence towards you or your property or other loved ones in the familyVerbal AbuseJealousy is rampantTries to be too Controlling of you Spins you stories to cover up what has doneLots of SecretsDisrespectful towards you(19)Home LifeAnd if you do decide to be a couple then how is your home life? Good or Not?A Happy Home allows everyone to relax. What is the worth of a home where you cannot be yourself. where you can put your feet up and no one will tell you that a room is only for "Visitors". Visitors? Surely the people who live in then home come first?You do not live on take-aways. Cooking together and learning to cook new things at home is sexy and it costs less and it is more creative.You both pull your weight - all domestic duties are not left solely to one partnerYou work together on projects - be they be painting, hanging curtains, gardeningThe Home is not a permanent Pigs-sty. A tidy home represents Good Feng Shui. It is thought to bring good luck.Children are wonderful. But before the children arrived there was just the Couple. The Primary Relationship of the couple still needs to be nurtured regularly. You need more activities to talk about than just the children. And you occasionally need time alone as a couple to ensure that you keep nurturing your relationship with each other.The Couple are the Managers in the relationship, not the children, and make sure that rule is respected.And keep talking to each other and keep communicating. Not talking to your partner will not resolve anything.
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drugs, drunk, jealous, liar, money, self esteem, violent, workplace Reply to this Article
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 February 2013):
Abella is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your follow up. JadePearl I read your profile and I think your wisdom and understanding is obvious
I loved the pointers you mentioned. Your response was awesome and beyond even what I had been hoping for.
A
female
reader, jadedpearl +, writes (2 February 2013):
 It's nice reading articles written by those who have had or currently have successful relationships. It gives me hope that one day I will find one. I like the separate bank account ideas. It is nice to have independence in a marriage and this is especially important for me. I would like to have a joint account as well for paying bills, etc. Open communicationNo one trying to control No dictatingNo constant criticizingLeave your work at work do not bring it homeShare the responsibilities of chores around the houseDo not put the children before your spouse---I have heard that not doing this tears many marriages apart. Compliment each otherGet out and explore the worldHave your own hobbie that you are interested inRespect each otherNo verbal/physical abuse aloudShare the same culture---I never thought this would be an issue until I dated a man from Europe who was born and raised there. We liked different foods, his views on children were far different from mine. (He wanted 4 and to live in the country). His overall behavior was different from what I was use to. He also was not used to American vacations so he never celebrated them whereas I did celebrate them, and a ton of other things.
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