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female
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anonymous
writes: After several years of dating the player type of man, and getting severely hurt...I finally started dating someone who was serious about me.However, we are from different cultures, and I can't help but feel he is less of a person than I (we are the same age, but he has done nothing with his life - i.e. not a homeowner, not in good work etc...). We are both 33 yrs old.But he loves me with all his heart and is decent and kind. And that's why I decided to try him.After 2 months, I decided to break up with him, as I realised I was embarrassed to introduce him to my friends - just some comment a couple of friends had made, implying I was way too good for him.. He's very quiet, and in a way lacks social skills. To the point that people tend not to form a good impression about him when they meet him. Even my sister told me that if I were ever to marry him, she wouldn't be at my wedding. This upset me deeply.For these reasons, plus things he'd said which identified the differences in our mentalities...kind of made me lose respect for him. I realised that I can't look up to him, even though I admire his kindness and integrity.However, now I'm questioning if I did the right thing. I still miss him very much. He is kind, caring, faithful, handsome, and would do anything for me. But I know that there is a huge gap between our intelligence and status (socially and academically)...and I'm trying to be practical as to whether I can be truly happy with him.Is it normal to feel this way, even if a break up is your own doing? Part of me doesn't know if I want him back because I miss having someone - as opposed to wanting him. I know I do have quite a low self esteem, so am wary that I feel that I won't ever meet anyone else.But, of course I don't want to mess him around. He still loves me very much.Can anyone give any advice please?Thanks a lot.
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female
reader, Sally R. Cinnamon +, writes (24 November 2006):
 Your honesty is amazing, and I respect that very much. But it is painful to read what you have written. You say he is "less of a person" than you, because he hasn't bought a house and doesn't have a job as good as yours. You seem to agree with your friends that you are "way too good for him". I'm going to be honest with you in return - I hope you will forgive me - but I think this man is too good for you.
A person's worth is not in the amount of money they have or their social skills. This is a man of kindness and a man of integrity. If only there were more like him in the world! I hope very much that this man finds someone who is not too embarrassed by his wages, his social background, and his "status" to stand by him. I think it is your shallow values which stand between him and you, and not practicalities. You stopped yourself from falling in love and seeing where a relationship would go because of what others thought. You could have brought your friends and sister around, or at least you could have tried. I think your low self-esteem is causing the problem. If you were more confident, you could shake off these comments from others and decide for yourself whether this man is for you or not.
If you are to go back to him, I think you need to decide to be a different person in some ways. I think you need to be stronger in yourself to support him properly. You have to give up thinking that he is less of a person than you. This just isn't true. He hasn't done anything to deserve such a title. He's a human being, just like you, with lots of love to give. And you have given plenty of reasons to look up to him. Even if you think the intelligence gap or the financial gap between the two of you stops the relationship from working, please don't think any less of him. And please stick up for him against comments others make.
So throw out of your head what others have said and decide for yourself, for the right reasons, what the best thing to do is. (And many apologies if I am a little harsh, I do wish you all the best in your decision!)
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