A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello, hopefully someone can help me out.Back in october my girlfriend, that lives with me still, broke up with me.we were together for over a year and a half. and she told me she still cares for me and other people claim she does, but she wanted to be just friends.I told her I wasnt going to be friends with her because I didnt want to be that guy.So, she sometimes shows she cares for me but I dont feel like I believe her. One time she caught me smoking cigarettes ( I picked up smoking recently to get over stress)and she claimed that she would tell her dad (Who am I extremely close to) and my mom (which came out of nowhere). This also happened when i was signing up for the military and she really did tell my mom and her dad.Me and her have gotten along pretty well, like she would come and pick me up from work, or wake up really early to take me, and she would always ask me to go somewhere with her. At certain times I feel like she is flirting with me.So over the months I have tried 3 different times to get back with her. the most recent time I asked her a couple days before if she wanted to go on a date, and she said maybe. So a few days after that I asked her "How bout that date?" and she said she didnt want to. I asked her why and she finally out of the 3 times gave me a actual response, she said that she didnnt want a relationship because I want more than she can give, when she said that she was talking about getting married and stuff mainly because me and her were in a serious relationship.But then she told me she didnt want a relationship with anyone because she wants to focus on college and work, she said she doesnt want to build her life around a relationship;I feel like this response is stemming from her childhood because she was emancipated at 15 because her mom is a huge dope fiend and her father doesnt really do anything so between then and now she has lived in a number of places. I think she has a fear of ending up a dead beat person.I told her didnt have to be that way, it never did, she then told me that there is only one reason that people date, and they either break up or get married, she then told me if she was 26 and she had been to college and travelled the way shes wanted to, that she would marry me. I told her that it doesnt have to be that way, that we can date and have fun with it, and not have to put an expiration date on it and she said she believes in casual dating but she doesnt even want that because if she did then we would start dating, and she told me I am the exception from casual dating because we have gone out before, and then she returned to not wanting to date anyone. I got upset and was putting on my shoes to leave the house and she asked me not to leave, but I did and I went and called my brother.He talked to me for a little bit and told me that we just recently broke up and that it just needed some time and that maybe she just needed to have her own place before things changed.One time she told me it just needed time.But then he told me that he would talk to her tomorrow and he did. She told him that she just felt suffocated because we hung out all the time and she didnt hang out with her own friends (Which is ironic because she doesnt have any friends here where she lives, but all her friends either live in different states or they are a 2 hour drive away, and I never stopped her from seeing them) and so on. He also said he told her there is an inbetween for breaking up and getting married that you just dont see.His advice was to just give it time and do my own thing. I have stopped talking to her since then, she tried to make small talk a couple of times but I brushed it off.It just sucks she wont give it a second thought.Im just not sure what to do. I cant kick her out because I dont have a reason to. And If I talk to her then I just feel i'll get stuck in the friendzone and it wont go anywhere from there.Im just confused.
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broke up, flirt, military Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question princessofGod43, I wish I could follow your advice, but she tends to insert herself into whatever im doing, and starts conversations with me. Even to the point where she asked if I wanted to go with her somewhere, or if she could get me something to eat at a local restaurant.
Its weird especially if I didnt make it clear enough when I told her "Im not going to be your friend". I dont know how to make it any more clear.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): I've been in something similar to this and I've stuck around for years. The thing is I was a back up for him. He'd say things like how much he loved me and so on and so forth. Then if I said something or did something, he'd blame me for being upset about it and not talk to me for months. During that time, I found out he was seeing someone else of screwing around with someone else. Eventually - after 20 years of this game he played. I had decided I had enough of all this. I realized that I was no longer going to bd his pawn, his side kick, his 'just in case it doesn't work out with that other gal, I'll stick it out with this one'. He would come back acting sheepish after having had his fun asking me back and this time I said no. I am happier and very much have found someone who loves me for me and only me - I have no regrets. You can have it too. Don't play into these games wasting your life away wondering when she'll get a clue. Remember....you'll be much more attractive when she sees you doing things without her AND are much happier with your life with or without her! Go out with friends...do stuff you like to do...but don't sulk. You can do it!
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A
female
reader, princessofGod43 +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Sweetheart ...you should give it up for 30 days...to see if she responds to silence, because you never know if someone is in her life she wants to make more permanent. And if she doesnt it's okay because you can pass up such a great encounter with someone special waiting on someone who is just stringing you along for now
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo, I need to clarify a little, that was the problem, she didnt want long term becuase she is afraid she'll have to build the next few years around it and she wont get to do what she wanted to do.
She doesnt want to get married so young, I payed for everything, and I always told her how beautiful and sepcial she was to me. Also even towards the end of the breakup she would mention our future together, like if we were shopping she would buy glasses and say "These will be our first glasses when we have our own place"
even after the breakup she would ask how long did I think we would know each other.
She was anti long term before she finished college cause she was afraid that the relationship would mess it up. But I keep telling her it wouldnt be that way. She told my brother she felt suffocated and that if we did go back out and IF it ended up in a break up she didnt want it to go as bad as it did last time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Your response to the break up, smoking and signing up military is making it hard for her to want to get back with you. She can't tell you what to do, but she hopes that your mom can talk some sense to you. I am more interested to find out what makes her want to break up with you before the changes. Was it because it's been a year and a half and you didn't propose? You've been living together and she's worried that she has become the cow you don't have to pay for. It is not a long time but maybe she is expecting you to at least mention long term.
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