A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I'm finding my mother really difficult to deal with. I just don't know what I can do for her anymore. She has no friends, no partner, she's 50% of the time very bitter towards everyone. Everyone is wrong and she is right. Shes always ill. I get tired of trying to help her out of sickness. Half of the time its because she won't take care of her health properly (as in smoking - shes been told to stop or she'll be severely ill) she tells me to shut up whenever I try to encourage ways for her to stop. I get upset when I'm told to 'shut up' because im trying to help. I want her to be around for my grandchildren when I have them. I find it hard visiting her because she just moans about everyone and everything, and it drags me down. Sometimes I just listen, sometimes I ask her to view it from a different angle, in which case I get told to shut up. If I respond and say no, how about you listen for once, we end up in an argument and dont speak again until she wants to. Shes awfully stubborn. There is no getting through to her until she comes round. She was very controlling over me when I lived at home. Moving out was the best thing I did! I didn't leave until 24/25. My family - I have spoken with gran, and aunts and cousins. And they all wish my mum would stop being so like she is, they try, but mum severs ties with them too. She finds something to pick at and argues. They completely understand. Only yesterday an aunt and cousin, my and my mum aranged a sunday dinner out. We hardly ever do it, but I enjoy catching up with family, and was happy to get my mum out. But she turned up angry (not sure why), ordered food, then just said 'i'm going home' got up from her uneaten food and walked off. I was really embarassed for her. But my aunts knows, so we just discussed it for a while. But my cousin upset me she said 'I'm glad I don't have to deal with that' it kinda crushed me, because I would love to be proud to have my mum out with me having fun. My parents are divorced, I have a relationship with my dad, if she knows I speak to him regularly and go to visit his house, she would flip. I hate keeping secrets. She demands attention, she'll treat me to gifts and dinner, then says 'after everything I do for you' Usually these tasks she wants help with are days worth of help, not something I can fix there and then. Often I've done these bigger things, I spend weeks of my time researching for her, and she all of a sudden says 'forget it' and never brings it up again. I just bite my tongue and say oh well. I try to teach her to do these things by herself, she doesn't want to learn.My newish boyfriend hears me snap at her sometimes on the phone, sometimes is a bit shocked I take an abrupt tone with her. he hasn't yet met her, or knows much about her at all, and I just get embarrassed that I don't have a 'normal ' mum to take him to meet, I'm scared she'll have one of her angry episodes and embarrass me. I just dont know what else I can do? She would say a no to therapy. In her world she knows best, and everyone else is wrong and stupid.I'm an only child and carry this pressure by myself, well luckily I have supportive family. But they can close their door and get back to their own family.
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female
reader, rosycheeks +, writes (28 February 2012):
Thanks for all your responses. I think I do need to keep the distance more consistent. And stick to it. It does maintain a somewhat tolerable relationship.
Sometimes she calls for help on stuff or just to chat, and I want to help/chat, but it ends up with arguments. Because she makes me feel guilty.
Its a circle, because eventually she cracks me, i feel guilty then i spend time visiting/helping. Then it all becomes too much again and boom, another of her angry episodes like on Sunday.
It's just hard for me to watch someone fester away when it seems so simple to just get on and do a, b or c :(
I think maintaining distance is key. sad for me to accept, but if it works better than arguing..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): You have to stop being so co-dependent with your mother. Co-dependency is when you try to fix someone who is not fixing themselves, and you won't just let them be their flawed self instead you have to try to step in and make them change because you know better. yes it's true that you do know better, but this fact does nothing for the other person.
Concern for the other person is born of good intention and good will. but co-dependency is when you refuse to give up trying to fix them, to the point that you get dragged down by the other person's refusal or inability to conform to your desire of what they should be. You end up feeling more and more resentful and angry at them. while they may have started destroying the relationship by being how they are, you're now also helping to maintain the toxicity of the relationship by refusing to disengage yourself from it and thereby feeding it and exposing yourself more to it.
first thing is you need to let go and realize you cannot fix someone else. You can't change someone else. Only that person can change themselves and only if they desire it bad enough. If they don't, then nothing you can do to force that change. All you can do is take steps to prevent yourself getting dragged down. And so that you don't make that person even worse than she is already by contributing to the souring relationship with your own issues.
You should start disengaging from the relationship with your mom, to give yourself a break and not be exposed to her negativity so much, stop making it your mission to fix her and just accept that this is who she has decided to be and how she has decided to live her life and if you can't stand it, then you just have to put more distance between you and her.
you have to change how you behave in the relationship with your mom, so that you can find some balance where you can live with this relationship without getting dragged down. you're the only person whose behavior you can control, so you should take the focus off trying to make her change (even though it's true that it would be better if she changed the way you wanted but that isn't the point).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): There's no real answer to this.
Assuming it's not the menopause and she's always been like this then at her age it's very, very unlikely she will ever change. So this leaves you with two options
1)You carry on as you are, accept she won't change and tolerate her behaviour.
2)Cut contact, especially if it's making you really unhappy to be around her. It's possible this will make her re-evaluate her behaviour but she also might not. Still personally, if I cut contact with my Mum and she couldn't care less (didn't contact me first etc) then overall I'd think I'd be better off without her in my life.
Basically you're between a rock and a hard place. There's no answer that will make everyone happy. We can't pick our parents and some parents are bad enough that they don't deserve the relationships with their children.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): I so wish she was the mum you want her to be, you sound lovely and she is missing out on so much happiness.
OK, so is it to do with the menopause - it can cause terrible mood swings - has she been to the doctors re this at all?
She is her own worst enemy and clearly deeply unhappy and controlling. This in turn is badly affecting you.
You could try tough love, tell her you can't be around her anymore, that she needs to help herself and until she does, you will stay away.Then,hard as it is,stick to it. You can phone maybe, but don't visit or get drawn into any rows.
Good luck x
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