A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a state of confliction currently. My mom is currently on her final days. It sucks, and my head is all over the place. I'm struggling to come to terms with myself and how I am reacting to all of this. I know it sucks. I hate this. It's not fair. However, I don't really have much reaction or emotion to all of this. I spend some time with her, but there's only so much I can take. It's selfish, I know. There's no reason I should be going about life as normal when my mom could be gone, but I've accepted her what her fate was already. I still check up on her even if she doesn't know I'm there. I do love my mom.I just don't really feel anything. All I do is stand there with either a normal or smiling face saying it sucks. My coworkers believe I should take time to be with her, but I know I wouldn't use the free time in that way. This is why I keep going to my scheduled shifts. However, I do wish to take a few weeks off when the moment comes, but I feel I would burden my coworkers. It's not as easy as taking time off because there's no way of knowing when my mom will pass. Could be tonight, could be in a week. I just can't up and go when the time comes. I feel so selfish thinking this way. I want a few weeks off after my mom passes, but I won't take time off to be with her prior? I want to spend as much time with my family as we adjust to life without her. That's what I find most important. I don't know. I love my mom, I love my family, and I don't want to be a burden to my coworkers. Sorry, I don't mean to rant. I just hate everything that is happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): I had the same experience five years ago. I am an only child, and I have no family other than my father, yep, no children, aunts, uncles, nothing. When my Mother was diagnosed with lung cancer the middle of May I continued to work and because was I unable to care for her at home I visited her daily in the nursing home. When it became obvious that my Mother’s time was coming to an end I signed Hospice papers, this was the middle of June. I tried to the best of my abilities to continue to do my everyday routine. When she became comatose I took FMLA. I spent as much time with my Mother that I possibly could. She did not know I was there, but, it was comforting to me to know I could reach out and touch her. I was with my Mom when she took her final breathe, July 15, I did not want her to be alone. What you are experiencing is normal. I was in shock. Things did not register for months after her death. Just know that she is going to a better place and her pain and suffering will be no more.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): This is a very poignant question and its no wonder you asked it as grief is very confusing. You feel you have at least some forwarning of your mums passing but you are worried how you will react. I personally think you should keep some days leave in hand so that you can book leave for the funeral and the paperwork and tidying up after. You will be upset and you will find it difficult to concentrate. From your mums point of view she will be happy that she is passing ahead of you because all mums keep the other situation as one of their unspoken nightmares. Perhaps mum feels its a job well done as you have turned out as a decent human being and she is probably mentally prepared for future events. Try to remember that there is spirit life after death and you will see your mum again in a spiritual sense one day and undoubtably her thoughts and love will be with you. Mum handled birth when it was the time so have a little faith that when the time comes she will be led by angels into the next world.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2015): HiI've just noticed that you haven't had a reply and so I will do my best to help.You don't feel anything much when something as major as this is happening. I didn't feel anything like what I thought I'd feel when my Mum was dying and for months after I thought I'd 'got away with it' as I was fine. Then, sometimes months later, the feelings start coming in. I think it's the brain's way of protecting us from too much all at once and feeds us the information in little bits, so we can handle it better. Usually I would say go with your feelings and do what you want, but this situation is different I think. You already sound as if you're beating yourself up for not wanting to spend time with her, so imagine how you will feel if you don't spend some time with her now? You obviously won't be able to change your mind after she's gone and it may be something you will regret. She may also get some happiness from you being there and you say that you love her. Save being selfish for some other time and spend some time with her. What will it cost you and what will you gain. Nothing and everything. It does suck, all of it and I'm so sorry this is happening. Maybe it already has. Don't beat yourself up, whatever happens. You're trying to do the right thing and you care. Your Mum will know this, she knows you.When it does happen, you may feel entirely differently to how you think you will feel about having time off afterwards. Sometimes, the company of people other than family can be a great help and you'll ache to go into work, or you may want to keep your mind occupied at times. There is only so much grieving you can do without wanting to take a break and get back to normal for a while. People at work will expect that you will need help and time. They will work it out and they sound like they care about you.Spend time with her now and let the immediate future after that take care of itself. Things sometimes have a funny way of turning out okay, so try to only deal with the very immediate future, i.e. today and tomorrow and let the rest follow on. It will all turn out okay you know. Things do. All the best and I wish you lots of strength to help you and your family come to terms with your loss.
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