A
female
age
36-40,
*ailyderper
writes: I've been with my hubby for nearly 11 years now and his cousin is one of his best friends and as a product of that, his cousin is also MY best friend. In fact we are closer than my hubby and his cousin is, our style of communication is the same, our personalities are similar, we have the same passions and ideas and beliefs. It's extra hard because i know my feelings are reciprocated. We are both married. I only have one kid but he's married and has FOUR kids. Four kids that I love and adore and am very close to as well. He's always felt like a mentor to me in years past bc he had good relationship advice and he's 10 years older and been married for longer as well. I've never acted on my feelings, and he's a super respectable guy and hasn't acted on his feelings either but the feelings have begun to get stronger and even intolerable at times for me. We moved onto an island for a while and didn't see him and the family as often for about 5 years, well we just moved back and spent just about each day for three months with him and his family and I just basically feel like I've post my mind in love, each moment feeling high like the feeling you have when you are falling in love. The world feels so bright and exciting, and filled with thoughts of him. My husband knows and I have been honest with him. My husband and I are a bit more open about our relationship and have experimented in the past but not much, but his cousins family is not like that at all. So it's just not possible to express my feelings for him with out it being destructive and I have to remind myself of this each day. The magnetic pull is strong and if I drink with him I am less careful about pretty much putting my hands all over him. I cant imagine my life with out him and in moments and times of difficulty in my marriage, sometimes the only thing that has kept me in the marriage is Fear of losing his cousin and his cousins family. Sometime his cousins family feels more real than my own. My husbands cousin and I have both expressed to each other that we feel very unfulfilled in our relationships and that our spouses feel more like siblings rather than lovers. I love my husband very much though, thought he has many qualities or lack of qualities rather than make me hurt inside like not being as ambitious ad I am, not being an initiator in his life, not taking the wheel or control. His cousin has all the qualities that make me feel safe and secure and match my own morals, values and ideas of integrity and loves to learn like i do and pursue dreams. In my heart I know we would make a perfect team. He's not as attractive as my husband, which makes me very aware of the fact that I love him for his personality and determination rather than simple sexual attraction. I ended up having ac night where we were both tipsy and we were able to talk about our mutal attraction after we cane close to getting together but didn't, we drew some boundaries and talked about how it wouldnt be ok to risk destroying each other's families from this. Though it's hard and I find my self day dreaming of him constantly, dreaming of him and coming over to his house to. Do nothing but just be near him. My question is, I feel like this is a symptom of what's lacking in my relationship. I've been teetering back and forth for years and want to separate from My husband bc he seems to lack the Maturity we need to operate as a healthy family , hes not self sufficient and I feel like I'm raising another child and I don't feel like he's helping us pursue goals, but I feel held back. I Also simply don't feel like he's giving me the sexual, emotional and intellectual stimulation I need, and when I seek it and pursue that in the relationship. I feel pushed away and like each moment is a struggle which makes me stop asking and giving right? Should I separate from my husband and try to maintain a good healthy friendship, in order to focus on my life, my school, job and daughter? And let me my self be single and know that I'll find someone eventually that I connect with as well as I do with his cousin.Or should I keep pushing forward in what feels like a dead end marriage? And continue to count down the moments I have a breath of fresh air and get to see his cousin.
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ambition, best friend, cousin Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 This is a dangerous situation being so close to his cousin, it will only have one outcome and that is hurt. If you act on it his family will be hurt and if you don't you will continue to keep hurting yourself.
Try marriage counselling and make an effort to make your marriage work before just giving up. Talk to your husband and be truthful with him.
A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (19 September 2016):
 Don't give up your marriage until you have explored all possibilities for restoring it to a relationship you cherish. Try everything, counselling, marriage guidance whatever it takes.
Then if you still have to leave you know you did all you could.
Never dwell on the negatives in you relationship. You chose each other for what you liked and not what you don't.
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